It's been a long hard road.

So it's been a while since I have posted. Okay, so it turns out I've been doing okay. The abc diet has done me good, and I have stuck to the program. So anyways last night, my mom made me go to burger kig to get her food, and I got a salad. I was trig to fast, and I began tocry I was so frustrated. I didn't want to eat it, and yet I knew I was kinda hungry. I told my friend, and she kept saying what I was doing was unhealthy. I was so mad, I dot care about health , I wanna feel my fucking bones, I want to feel the indents in my wrists. I willdamnit.

I can't decide

I can't decide whether to fast today or have five hundred calories of less like the abc diet says... So frustrating. I think I could manage a fast, but at the same time the five hundred calories is like a safety net. I was so bad last nigt I should fast, and it comes to the point where I think I will. I'm going to be running around like crazy. So I wont really be able to sit in the kitchen and eat....

What to do..…

Well when I blow it, I really do.

So today. I dis awful things. I probably gained back the entire three pounds I have lost. First off my mom made me go buy pizza today ad her friend was eating the cookie dough that came with it, and it looked oh so tasty. So I took two bites, which wasn't ao bad since I had worked out. Then on my way to work I tried purgig but with no such luck. So then, when I got to work I ho hummed a bit, when I realized it was the Christmas party. And the food smelled so good. And the olde took over, I helped myself to a plate of turkey with mashed potatoes gravy and corn, and a roll with lots of honey. Then I ate four milky ways minis and despite more purging efforts I only came up with saliva ad blood, after making my throat bleed. I have done everythig to try and purse and it simply doesn't work, it's so frustrating. So that's not all, when I got home tonight I had two pieces of haiwaiian pizza an two kore bites of cookies dough. It's official. I have to start the abc diet tomorrow If I want to lose weight. I'm so sick of being fat. On the other hand I did get a it's number today after he said I was very pretty. Im so excited. Imagine what he'll think when I'm 98 pounds with double D's. Dreamgirl :) I will be it :)

The first ten...

So I worked off one thousand calories today!!!!! Then I went and weighed myself. And drum roll please.



I have lost three pounds!!!!!!

It's only three I know, but I hear the first ten are the hardest and then it seems to fall off. I hope that's true. So happy!!

BW- 160
CW- 157
GW- 98

Today. Is like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Okay, os today isn't really about how much I'm eating, it's about my poor mom.

So her douche bag boyfriend Brett, has skimped out on child support, once again.

Can't pay rent.
Can't buy groceries.
Can't buy clothes.
Can't keep the power on.
And I'm trying my hardest to help.

These are the moments I binge eat normally, but never purge. And it's so very scary to me right now.

I need to not eat. I need support.

Fuckkkkk.

So today

I was driving.And It brought back some crazy memories.

Like, I passed the spot where about six months ago, I was walking, run away from home, to my boyfriends house. It was 17 degrees outside, so cold, and snowy. I was soaked to the bone from how wet it was. And it took me three hours to walk from my school to his house. I kep tgetting sprayed from passing cars. That same night he broke up with me, and all I can remember is howling in pain from how sad I was.

But before that night I had always had fun with him. And we hung out, and he called me baby, and I was loved. That night, we curled up in his twin size bed, and made love (multiple times) throughout the night. And it was wonderful.

Remembering my sadness though, made me sick to my stomach. Now, my outlet has always been to eat my sorrows away. Boy dumped you? Stuff my face with oreos.

But now, I'm sick of being fat. I NEED TO STICK WITH THE PROGRAM THOUGH.

So here's the plan. Because I'm sick of being fat, I need to have an eating plan.

Hopefully tommorow it will go, a large glass of water with three sticks of celery (18 calories)

Gum to bide my hunger away (5 calories)
Nothing until about lunchtime when I will have either soup (60-90 calories) or a yogurt (100 calories) or a protein bar (90 calories)

Lots of water.

Throughout the day I will supplement my carb interceptors in hopes they will do what I need.

I WILL BE THIN.

Anyone out there want to be my buddy? I could use it.

Feeling sick, but not sick enough to hurl...

I've been trying to purge. Both times were unsuccessful and leave me disestig my binge. I need a buddy for this. Anyone? Email t metalrosethorn@hotmail.com Thanks guys