When is it gonna be my turn?

I'm feeling really down right now.

(FOREWARNING! Post is gonna be pretty much adult content, graphic stuff!!)

So Matt is out of town for a week and I'm really missing him.

He got to his hotel tonight and we Skyped. And amongst joking around he did the whole V and tongue thing. Ya know like fake pussy eating?

Matt has only ever gone down on me once. And it was absolutely amazing.

And no doubt about it, I love giving head, it's my favorite thing to do. But ya know.... I like receiving too. But most guys don't like going down, so alas... we live on without being eaten,

And so we kind of laugh it off and continue Skyping.

He goes and gets in the shower, so we click off Skype for a minute.

He then sends me a text "Awe sweety, I feel bad :S"

to which I say why, and he says "Cuz your super sweet and awesome and I'm in the middle of what I call my "Matt gets his" time :( aka my experimentation with being a dick :("

Now. I should put an aside here. Matt has never been mean or hurtful to me, and we aren't dating because he has only been with 3 girls, and he told me straight up he wants to eperiment. Which I can respect, so I dont push a title or anything. He calls me his girlfriend to his friends, and says he likes to think of me like his girlfriend.

Which I dont understand. Basically are we dating or not?! I JUST NEED CLARIFICATION! But.... I kinda asked, and got a really muddled response, and so I carry on being confused, because every guy will react the same to the age old "Are we official?/Are we a couple?/Are we dating/ WHAT ARE WE?" question. They panic because your asking, which they twist into thinking somehow you want something MORE.

WHEN REALLY YOUR JUST TRYING TO CLARIFY WHAT THE FUCKING TITLE IS!

Anyways.

Back to the subject at hand. He says that. and I say

"I like seeing you happy. It makes me happy"

Which it does. I love seeing him happy. But. As I text him that, Im balling my eyes out.

He has never once made me feel used, or like.... anything like that.

But tonight. I just feel like....

Maybe he's just using me too.

And it breaks my heart because he is so different from all the other guys Ive been with, and I want to continue thinking of him as different, and I dont know if I'm overthinking this, or seeing the situation in it's true light.

I just want someone to feel about me how I feel about them.

And be okay with it.

Why do I feel like everyone else uses me for their happiness.

When is it my turn to be happy?

When do I get a chance to be happy with someone?

So I sit here. Crying my eyes out. Confused. Because I dont know what the fuck is happening in my life.

My song.

This is offically the song of my 20's <3 p="">


I love this song.

Today is the day

Today is the day....

I had a calorie binge weekend before a week of strict fasting and calorie counting... I've had this plan for a while now. But. I got more motivation last night....

But to begin, I spent an AMAZING weekend with Matt. AS USUAL.

We went and saw Interstellar, had sex nine million times, hung out with his friends, had more sex, ate, watched TV, cuddeled, and had more sex. Basically how it works.

He is so amazing.

I guess I should give you some background on him.

He's 26, he's six foot. Gorgeous. He travels alot for his job, but, it's  nice job. He has an interesting past and we have so much in common.

Well.... Except for this.

He's only slept with 3 people. And I'm one of them.


So. That puts me in kind of a weird position. His first girlfriend had only slept with 2 people, and his ex was (is now?) a lesbian. And then there is me.

He tells me Ive the best he's ever had. WELL OF COURSE I AM IVE HAD LIKE TONS OF EXPERIENCE!!!!

It doesn't bother me, because he keeps up and ups the ante in between the sheets, and I definitely enjoy that.

We rented Sex Tape last night and after having to pause the movie (twice) to stop and have sex, he tells me he has a sex tape. What?! I've had sex with like.... a ton of people (wow Destany, wow) and I don't have a sex tape!!!

So he shows it to me.

Annnnnnnnd here we go. So. His first girlfriend was heavy, heavier then me. And Rachel (ex/the lesbian) is TINY, like size 00.

Anyways. This video is with his first girlfriend, so I shouldnt be fucked up right? I shouldnt just lose it about how hot he is, and how much I dont deserve him. I shouldnt get body issues with someone who Ive been told I look better then.

AND YET I somehow manage to amaze myself and hate myself all night.

Hence my motivation for this week. I can't do this being fat ANYMORE.

I lost so much weight with Oliver. And now I'm back to square one. And it's rough. But I want Matt to flaunt me (not like he doesnt already, but, insert dysmorphia) and so I'm done.

Nothing but diet soda (fuck you I LOVE diet soda. Everything gives you cancer nowadays so let me have it!) and salad.

NOTHING.

Diet pills for days. I'm done being fat.

I suppose I owe you some pictures as well!!

So here's me. A whopping 176 lbs.

 

Matt and I at Breakfast

 

Matt and I being goofy!

 Oliver and I :) Love my sweet little goober!

 

My happy baby <3 br="">

Love you readers. Hope to hear from you.

I went a little Overboard

I ate 1,046 calories today.

It's kind of high, but, I'm also just coming off about a month long binge fest.

So I will settle for it.

I'm going to try and exercise, blog, and clean, everyday, like I did when I was a stay at home mom.

But a I type this I stare at a looming pile of clothing that needs to be folded. Sigh. As is life.

Time to sort through Oliver and I's clothes and take them to the consignment stores!

Anyways, so many projects, so little time.

Made a decent amount of money tonight while delivering at Pizza Hut.

Makes me happy.

Alright, I'm gonna pound out some mild exercises and head to bed!

I am now 21

My loves.

It has been a while since I've posted on here.

But I've made a motion to get back into the swing of things, Ana hardcore, blog daily. Work alot.

I'm not sure where to begin.

I'm Destany, I'm 21, and I've been struggling with EDNOS for about 4 years now.

I weigh too much.

I have a one year old son wwho I would do anything for, an ex husband who I can't stand. A job at Old Chicago, and a job at Pizza Hut.

I'm blogging about work, parenting and my everyday struggle..

I know someone out there reads this, as I still get texts from my phone number I posted years ago.

I'm back loverlies.

I suppose the best way is to jump into things.

I met a guy about 4 weeks ago on POF (plenty of fish) and now I'm really falling for him. He is adorable, and kind, funny, sweet, smart, nerdy, hot and basically the most perfect guy I've ever met.

He likes me too (I dont know how) and yet he doesn't want a relatioship. But he calls me his girlfriend. I guess maybe I'm confused, but I thought relationship/girlfriend were synonomous.

But to be honest, I dont care what our label is. I REALLY like him.

His ex girlfriend is a lesbian, who is really hot, and of course, incredibly skinny.

It makes me never want to eat again.

I hate how fat Ive gotten and it makes me sick to see what I could be.

I'm going to get there damnit.

I work 2 jobs because I'm now a single mom who lives in a house with roomates. I bought a car, and have alot of bills to pay. It's a struggle, but I would work until the day I died to give my son the ends of the world.

I miss blogging. And putting my thoughts out there. I need people to talk to, so if you have friends or people you feel would like to comment send them my way. I need internet friends.

And please. Those who don't comment and would rather be a fly on the wall, just comment.

I love your love.

<3 come.="" days="" p="" to="">
Leave a comment below <3 br="">

Pin Up Thinspo and Quotes

Losing It

I can't take it. I'm sitting at home alone, as my baby sleeps, crying as I touch my fat rolls.

I'm 149 lbs right now and I'm fucking humongous.

Here's thinspo to make myself feel better.