Heart Break. Pt 2

I want to put a fucking stake through my chest.

I never want to feel this pain again.

Oliver deserves more a lose mother who ruined his family.

I never want to feel this pain again.

I just want to slice up my arms and feel myself completly drain of all emotion.

I never want to feel this pain again.

I just want to die.

Heart Break

Matt broke up with me.

and I'm devestated.

He wants to be friends, and he says its not me, it's him. He says hes not mature enough for a relationship.

But I'm broken to pieces.

All I want is him.

Have you ever felt so sad, that you'd rather die then feel that pain? Ever felt so alone that even in a room full of people who love you, you feel desolate?

I just want to die. I want to cut bad.

I've never been a cutter.

I want to starve. I'm fasting for 36 hrs.

I wan to check m yself into a mental institute.

I wanted to do self improvement prompts on here. But right now.

I just want death to consume me.

I've never been worth someones devoted love and effort.  I ruined my relationship with Dale, but he didnt want to put in the effort to work things out.

I just want to be good enough.

Happy New Years

Happy New Years

Keeping to my resolution and got Olivers room spotless. Yet to get the rest of my house clean. Ate about 900 calories, but with my cleaning I have burned plenty of calories.

Thin.Thin. Thin.

Thoughts

Hi loves.

I keep coming and going.

But I swear the new year is upon us and my blog will live again.

Resolutions:
Lose the Weight.
    I WILL be 125 lbs
Be an AMAZING Mom
    Spend more time with Oliver.
Clean Your Fucking House
    Literally just pick something up every five minutes.
Liven Up Your Blog
    Be insightful on something!

So.

Here's my attempt to liven shit up. It's gonna be a long post.

Soooo I guess I'm not sure where to start.

Thing with Matt are confusing and wonderful.

It was my birthday, and as usual, he treated me like an absolute princess. Put more thought into my entire birthday then anyone had in a very long time.

We're offically boyfriend and girlfriend. But not "in a relationship" thats where its confusing.

Like he said the other day "I love how we are, but I know it cant be like this forever"

I dont want to read too much into it, but I feel like that means he doesn't want me forever. Which in conjunction with everything Dale, thats just too much reality for me.

So I just pretend it never happened.

I love his friends, even his ex girlfriend ( a lesbian now haha). But the girl who took his virginity.

I don't know her. I barely know about their relationship. And I hate her. I see pics of them together and I want to rip her out of them. I dont know if its because I cant stand how she broke Matt emotionally, or what. But I hear any mention of her and I have panic attacks.

Matt let me read journals he's been keeping since 2006.

They were very intense. and insightful. And reminded me of my blog.

Of me.

I'm falling hard. Yikes.

He made an entry on 12/27/07 which was my 15th birthday. It just made me feel like we were forever connected.

So in talking to Dale (like I have to unfortunately) Amber (his brothers stupid judgemental bitch wife) is pregnant.

And I hate her too.

Thats all I have to say about that.

Miss Independant by Neyo is currently my theme song.

I just want tattoos.

I just want love.

I just want skinny

So I will.

Long and Cold Weekend.

Hey my loves, sorry for not posting over the weekend!

When I'm with Matt, I'm just so utterly wrapped up in him that I an't think of anything else.

I'm caught up from my vacation, and now I'm freaking out.

Thanksgiving is only like... 2 weeks away?!?!

WTF! i have $400 of stuff on layaway that I haven't even began to pay for!

YIKES

Ate horribly over the weekend, but still lost .5 lbs.

Weighing in at 168 :P

More to come! I miss you.

Yesterday and Today

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, by the time I got home I was exhausted.


Let's see, I worked a double today and it was super long, but I made a ton of money at Pizza Hut which was awesome.

One scary thing is I need to invest in some damn snow tires. I slid down a hill into an intersection with 5 cars about to hit me.

All I could do was lay on my horn and thankfully they all swerved around me. I was sooooo shaken up.

We have a new really cute guy at work, but, all I can think about is Matt. Which I think means I REALLY like him. Because to have no interest in a guy because of you, is like... not normal for me.

Today was less then stellar.

Started off having the fire alarm go off at work, we had a pipe burst and we thought we might go home. We didnt, and it ended up being a pretty chill day at Old Chicago, slow as usual.

I went with my friend to my dads tattoo shop to watch him pierce her belly button. I want mine done, but not until I'm skinny.


I need to set up a time to get a few more tattoos done.

And then I went to watch her get her hair done... And.

Well we went to a mutual friends of our moms house (her name is Dani for reference), anyways we got there, and Dani was going to do Cheridans hair.

I had Oliver with me, and I've met Dani a handful of times. She tells me "I'm really awkward with kids," and I kind of laugh it off and was like "Thats okay my boyfriend plays fetch with him"

And she proceeded to be incredibly rude. Oliver was playing WITH her flip lid trashcan, not IN it, but WITH it. Like just pushing the lid to the point it would flip over.

Now dont get me wrong on first glance, it looks like hes playing in the trashcan, so I watched him and decided he was doing no harm flipping the lid. Ad she comes over and goes "I have beer bottles in there you shouldn't let him play in there" and I tried to explain what he was doing, but was utterly brushed off. So I moved Oliver and we carried on.

He began running around her house, "tagging" the door, then "tagging" me, and she goes "Could you have him not do that? My neighbors are real nazis about noise" okay, I can understand that. So I stop this game, and we turn on the TV well, she turned it on and we turn on his show, and she had it super loud, so I turn it down because A. It didnt need to be that loud, and B. It's a kids show, theyre annoying as fuck any louder then like 12 volume setting haha.

And she comes out and goes "Could you turn that down?? My neighbors hate me being loud" so I'm like sorry! And turn it down more.

Then Oliver starts shutting her doors (he's a little OCD and this is his favorite thing to do) so I let him, making sure it's not loud. Well he can't shut them all the way because she has stoppers right there, and I automatically think "This is going to annoy her, better stop him" and she goes, "Oh no, there is a stopper there, he's okay." So I let him continue on with his game.

Well Oliver begins to get sleepy, and not crying, but fussy, so I tell Cheridan to text me when she's done but I needed to take Oliver home.

I forgot my purse as I was leaving and Oliver started crying.

And here is the kicker, she goes "My neighbors are really nazis, could you be quiet going down the hall?"

I was like, your kidding me right?!?

Anyways, I left, and now I'm home.

In good news I weighed in at 169.5lbs today.

Yay! Never want to see that number again.

Have a good night, off to bed before another double tommorow!

Summary of my Day

Hey guys, so I am feeling alot better then last night.


ALOT actually.

I got some errands done today, bought a new nose rings, went to my work and ate a Ceaser salad with no dressing. ETC.

Pretty boring. Hung out with Rob (long story short we used to fuck,  but were never together, just friends) which I hadnt done in a long time. It was nice to see him.

I've been thinking about goals today.

Like, one goal I've had in my head lately is I want to OWN my own house by the time I am 26. Right?

Means I need to work on my credit. The fuck is that, how do I make it better kind of shit.


I think I'm going to get a credit card to help build some credit so I can make that goal a little more of a reality.

I'm saving to buy a motorcycle. But then I think I will shift those goals towards buying a house.

I told Matt I planned on being down 3lbs by Saturday. I didn't weigh myself today but I hope I can really lose 5lbs.

I'm so done being fat.

Hope you had a good day. I know this post was pretty boring but, it'll get better I promise! haha