Mind Dump

So, I haven't posted in a while, which I have found is making me go crazy, because I want to just have a inside mind dump, venting, diarrhea of the mouth session.

First off, I got a job at Wal-Mart, which so far, I'm loving, it gets me away from my crazy house, and even though I come home feeling sore, and like a seventy year old woman, I love it. Getting to work just feels really good. And it goes by very quick. I half believe I have what it takes to be a workaholic. I'm really not in it for the money, but I can't wait to get my paycheck. I'm starting to pay off my debts. Fiftey five for my mom, for paying my phone bill, and a little extra for interest, fifteen to Autumn who paid for me to go to the haunted house (which was incredibly good) and hopefully after ALL of that I'll have some money to go to a haunted house with Joe, because I really want to.

Second, I hope the marching band festival goes late, and that my band doesn't perform until late so I can see them (seeing that I have to work that day)

Third. SO my mom is mad at her best friends (no, scratch that) shes upset, and masking it as madness. She didn't get invited to something, and it's really stirring up some old thoughts and totally the same exact feelings some of my old friends did to me.

Fourth. So I had an epiphany. I was listening to "Lighters" by eminem, right? A song that I really wasn't that into, until I forced myself to listen to and now it's like my coming up anthem! I listen to it over and over, because like, it just boosts my entire day! And then, I was missing my friend joe, like to the max. I seriously just need to see him, and just snuggle him. Which probably sounds utterly ridiculous, but I just want to hug him, and fall asleep, and I want to make him okay, right? And then, I realized. My friend joe, sounds exactly like Eminem. And I got that warm fuzzy feeling (haha get the reference?) and I was driving the truck in utter serenity, because it felt like I was with joe, and everything was just okay.

Which is another thing. I learned to drive a stick shift, and have been borrowing my moms truck, I love it. But as with borrowing things, my mom gets mad and wants to take them away, even if she isn't going to use it, idk, some power trip shit. It feels alot like my own car, and earlier today she yelled at me about having the music too loud, which I probably did, but it was ridiculous because I was just jamming to Lighters, and if I have it really loud, the bass kinda thumps in my heart, right? And it makes me definately gets this euphoric kind of high.

Thats right, I got high. Naturally. Which is funny, because smoking Miss Jane does the same thing, and it's natural, because it's a plant. But thats not what I'm talking about.

FOR ALL YOU READERS! (yes, that means you, you, people that aren't reading, that I'm going to address anyways)

I do NOT smoke pot, and DO NOT get high from the use of illegal substances. I was using it as a statement to say I got the on top of the world feeling from listening to my music, and just feeling alright with the world.

Which scares me, I'm either someone that can get high without drugs, or, I had the realization of what a happy person feels like all the time. Which, I wish I could feel like that all the time, I do, because I feel so on top of the world, like I could do anything, and everything is okay, and it's so pecefully relaxing. And so I guess I'm addicted to that feeling of okayness. Which I rarely ever get. And I miss it, I used to have it so much more often, and now I just don't.

I'm starting to wonder if I should be on depression medication.

The only bad thing is as much as I don't want to feel this sadness, I want to feel, I don't want to be numb like any other doped up American, I just want to be happier.

Which brings me to my next point.

I'm dreaming so vastly of getting an Apartment.

but as I long for it, and getting out of my moms house (again)

I came to realize. YesI can save up for an apartment, and eventually I'll get one, and yes I can go to school and eventually get a degree in something or another. But then what?

Yes I'd get a job I love, and that would be great! But then I'm sure after a while it would be like playing a video game without knowing what to do, or waiting for a quest or something.

You just waste your time, and idle life away waiting for the next big thing, and the next amazing life changing moment, or the next thing you succeed at.

And when you do, then what?

Well I'm sure all you nonreaders have read enough of my senseless jabber.

My mind dump is empty :D