Day 2

I'm craving a doughnut. but so far, I've only eaten about ninety calories for half of a Special K granola bar. Desperately looking for something else low in calories to eat. Hoping maybe to buy some celery (eventually becomes a negative calorie food) but for now, I half to make do with what is in our house. Haven't been too hungry yet though, and I plan on going to the gym at about twelve thirty, to burn at least 1000 calories. My max calories for the day is 1000, and I'm thinking thats a little high, maybe I can find a website that will show me whats a good, EXTREME dieting calorie amount. I've been attempting to research Pro-Ana websites, and maybe a Pro-Ana blog on here to help me out. I'm in need of support.

But I'm worried. I keep thinking, Curves are sexy, because I've been told that for so long. I don't want to lose my boobs, or the what I do have of a butt. I just need to be much thinner then I am. I don't want to look like a ten year old boy, or have a five inch gap between my legs, I need the perfect balance.

I have had enough.

You ask what I have had enough of?

Being fat.

I'm five two and I think about two ten pounds... I'm huge.

I'm not pretty enough for any man. Or even myself, and that is something I simply cannot handle.

So I have visited a few pro Ana websites, which is surprisingly everything I had already planned on doing!! Now don't get me wrong, I'm not flat out stop eating, because you gain weight that way. I have bought two types of diet pills, gum, ice cold water, and I plan on getting a notebook to document my extreme weight loss.

Today, although I'm starting late, I have breeches my limit of one housand calories, but accompanied with a protein bar and my diet pills. I'm going to work Out tomorrow for an extended amount of time.

I will be thin. I will be beautiful.

:S

Getting my wisdom pulled today. SO NERVOUS! Hopefully getting a tattoo as well :D

Where to Begin?

So, I havent posted in a while, right?

Why?

Because I've been very very very busy at work. And getting my teeth fixed, and Halloween, and being in love, and fighting with my mom, and being majorly scary depressed.

Want me to start off?

I went to the dentist (two ish) weeks ago. They say I might have a cavity between my wisdom tooth and whatever tooth is next to it. I have to get all four pulled.

And that's basically a $700 bill that I don't have.

Halloween? Great, I bought my dream costume, my sister a faerie, Jehren Muno, and Nathan ended up being a bumblebee despite his pirate costume. Had a blast with Joe.

Being in love? Yeah, I'm majorly there. I'll let you in on a secret. I'm madly in love with Joe. I'd do anything for him, and I want nothing more then to be with him, he is like, my favorite person in the world, and the thing I picture every time I hear a love song. He makes me feel like I'm on top of the world, and, yeah I said it. I love him.

So I got in a brutal fight with my mom today. Some awful hateful things were said, and it's sad how much I meant, ALOT of them. Which leads me to my next bullet.

I'm extremly depressed. Between wondering if Joe likes me, stress at my job, money stress, bill stress, and then whatever the hell happened with my mom today, I just want to guzzle some bills, throw a toaster in the bathtub, and hang myself from the shower rod to be sure. But I haven't yet.

Also.

I love my job (I do, it's alot of fun) but I hate alot of the people that come in (which frustrates me, because I want to love people, but they can be so AWFUL sometimes) I really don't know what more to say.

Except that today. Yes today, I am very sad. And today, is the day that I want to guzzle Nyquil, eat one too many sleeping pills, and pillowcase myself in a bathtub.