CDS, Dinosaurs, Boys, and my new view on life.

I miss you guys.

I'm trying to post more often, even without a computer.



So I know I've posted this before, but, this is offically my song for Andres. I'm over it (not really) but I can pretend!

Let's see. Made a kick ass CD the other day, which was something I DEFINATELY needed :D

I've been on the whole "I-AM-BEAUTIFUL-I-AM-AMAZING-I-CAN-BE-A-BITCH-BUT-THATS-OKAY-CUZ-IM-AN-AWESOME-PERSON-IN-GENERAL" kind of mindset, because honestly I can't take being sad anymore.

New guy on the scene. Bryan (not Barbies brother, different guy) I work with, and have kinda had the hots for.

We were texting last night, and he came over for one reason only.

Then he told me he was a virgin.

And we laughed the whole night.

And I think this might be something more.

Don't I always think that though? Not investing myself wholly, so I don't fully get hurt :D

Went to the museum with the kids today and it was a breath of fresh air for my uber nerdy brain!!!

Miss you guys :D

Ooops I, Did It Again

Alright, so last night, after I posted about my WONDERFUL bubble bath, I got a facebook message from my aunt, asking her if I would be her DD (designated driver) (and, she's not blood aunt, I've just known her forver!) Anyways, so I'm like sure! I have nothing better to do!

So I go and get her, and she goes downtown, well the club they went to was 21+ so i couldn't go in, but didn't have the gas to go back home. So I was like hmmm, what to do, it's like midnight and nothing but bars ans restaurants are open. So I am like, well I guess I'm going to go the the Satire. Which is the most delicious mexican food place in Colorado. I was really in the mood for some meat.

So when I got there I sat at a booth in the corner, and didn't order a single damn thing.

Instead I watched the drunks sing Nirvana, and it made me laugh.

So after about an hour of that, I drive back by the club, and they're ready to leave. So I pick my aunt, her brother (who's like 24 i think) and his friend, and then some other random guy.

So we end up going to this random rich drunk guys house, and Barbie's like. We're just here for alcohol. So I wasn't drinking, but we get in the house, and like, they start boozin it up. We're having fun dancing and Bryan (My aunts brother) is -uber- wasted. So then the random rich dude keep taking this bird out (which I'm terrified of birds thanks to Alfred Hitchcock) and they're making me hold it and shit, and I was like :S Well then after a bit, Bryan sits down next to me on this chair, and like, throws his arm kind of around me, but I was like, whatever, until his arm kept getting closer and closer, and every time he makes me hold this bird, he puts his hand on my leg, and is like cooing in my ear.

And what do I do? Flirt right back. Because thats what I know how to do.

So then Barbie goes "Destany, go mix Bryan a drink!" so I get up, take Bryan to the kitchen and am digging for alcohol to mix him a drink.

When suddenly, he kisses me.

And it wasn't like face eating dude at the club, or for that matter any kiss I've had before.

It was like a sweet, gentle (touch of toungue) kiss. And I instantly melt.

So I give up on finding alcohol, and I say "Bryan! Let's go explore the house" really loud so that Barbie knows what we're doing.

And my first stop is downstairs, and there is five rooms and this ginormous hallway, and he follows me down, and we peek in each room, then, he kisses me again, and I flick off the light downstairs so its completly dark, and he's like rubbing me all over, and I'm rubbing him all over, and I'm basically so turned on at this point that all logic goes out the window, and he pulls down my pants, whips his off, and bam. We're going at it.

Well I should note that while we were just kissing, the weird drunk guy came downstairs and was like "ooooh your kissing!" and then went back upstairs. So we go a little while, (probably the most awkward position I've been in a while) and all of a sudden we hear walking down the steps. So I rip my pants up, so does he, and I awkwardly walk up the stairs. And I know I'm blushing TO THE MAX so I go get a glass of water. Then I'm sitting on the dark stairs when he comes out of hte bathroom (I assume he was finishing up) and I'm blocking the stairs and he says something in Spanish, and I'm like, "I dont understand you," so he like awkwardly hops over him, and I scramble up to chase him, and we're laughing and giggeling, and then, we get outside.

And my aunt is standing right there, and she goes, "Did you just hook up with my brother?"

And thats when my guilt set in. I started having a panic attack and so I went downstairs to take a minute, when the crazy drunk, my aunt, and Bryans friend all go outside to see his awesome car I guess.

Well, Bryan fell asleep and the drunk comes inside, and he keeps telling me to go upstairs with him, and he keeps pulling on my arm, and all sorts of weird shit, and it's hurting me, so I tell him to go get Barbie, and he goes and pretends to look for her, and tells me my aunt and the friend are boning. Which I know wasn't true, So he locks the back door (And Bryan is so wasted he passed out on the cocuh) and he keeps like gripping my arm all weird and shit.

So I tell him I need to get something out of the car, and I race out there, lock the doors,and lay down on the floor. Well he keeps coming outside to look for me,and it's freaking me out, so I text my aunt, and I say "We need to go" and finnally they all came out and we drove off.

So then I spent the night at Barbies, and so did Bryan.

And he fell asleep on the couch, so I fell asleep upstairs, and I woke up and he was still down there, and Barbie was gone. So, I really like him (I've known Bryan for a long time, just because I've known Barbie for a long time, and I've always thought he was like, a cute kid) but now.

Uggg. too many men in my life!!

But I still like him.

The Harold Song

I think the men in my life, have a problem with Mia. Not litterally, none of the men in my life are ashamed of themseves in any matter. What I mean, is the men in my life chew me up, and spit me out.

I told you about the guy, yesterday at the mall? God he was so handsome, and sweet, and a tickle of bad, which is what I needed. And so today, I hung out with him.

Actually. I had sex with him.

Which is the problem with me, it's like, that how I get them to stick around is by putting out, and they take and take and take. And find better binge food, and vomit me out.

And today, when I was driving mall dude home. My car ran out of gas, but we were a light away from the gas station so when we got it started, we chugged our way there. And as I went inside to pay for gas, I look outside, and there he is, flirting with some SKINNY, girl. And he got her number (his friend was also there, and was yelling it threw the parking lot).

Worst part? I don't take birth control. I hate feeling, "controlled" by something else. I need to be in control. Which, is so so so stupid.

Ever worst part? We didn't use a condom.

Most horrible piece? He didn't bother to pull out.

I'm not worried actually about that, because it's happened before with other guys,and I really have worried before, and I don't feel the same about this. I know I'm not pregnant, and won't be. I don't have money for the day after pill. But, there is still a tinge of doubt in my mind. And. That tinge of doubt is eating my brains.

Now, in this time of complete and utter disaster is the best time for doing what I do best. Binging.

Binging.

Binging again.

Binging more.

And binging a couple more times.


And never purge.

But this time, I feel like I just want to get sick to my stomach, lean over a toilet and puke up everything, all 150 calories I had today, and more then that.

If I had control, I would be skinny.

And boys would love me.

And they wouldn't leave me.

But, I'm not sure love is for me.

You know when there is two things you yearn for so badly it hurts and yet, they are conflicting? Thats me, right now.

You get love, and become fatter and fatter because the men in my life feed me, and make me neurotic about eating, and the men in my life tear Nutrition facts off all products I by, and block web sites so I can't see.

OR

You get thin skinnyness, which hopefully comes with love when everyone swoons over you because your gorgeous.

But I'm not gorgeous.

But I am gigantic.

I just want my hip bones, and my thighs apart, and not to worry what shirt makes me look fat or5 sucking in when I flash someone, because I know I'm thin.

Which is the other thing. Hand and Hand with my ED (which I've yet to come to terms with what to call it. I'm not mia because I binge, but can't purge, and I'm not ana, because I do eat, and I still love food. I love the worst enemy. I'm like a middle schooler that has a crush on the hottest boy at school, and simultaneously hates him)

I know I'm probably rambeling, but once I finish, I wont want to eat and it will all be out of my head so it wont bother me.

But I have a vague feeling I'm a sex addict, and have been longer then I've worried about my weight.

I love boys, and I love the euphoric moment of the bond. But it goes away, just like the food I eat. And then I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

Happy. Thin. Loved.