After Work

Alright, so today I've been posting like crazy, as well as moping around like crazy. Well, so you all heard (I assume) about the mall guy, right?Well, his name is Matt, and he makes me want to stab myself.So I told you how last night we had sex?

Yeah then I told you about how he got that other girls number. Great.

So today he told me he would call, and I knew he wouldn't (I've been in enough of these situations to know better)

So, I instead texted him saying "Wow, so much for calling"

and he texts back, "My bad my phone died" Which I call bullshit.

Anyways, I call him, and I start yelling at him about how fucked up it was and he was like, it was just a joke, and I was like, whatever, I'm at work, bye -click- and so he texts:

I'm sorry I really am, I didn't know it would hurt you.

So I'm kind of a sap for that shit, but this time I knew better then to fall for it, so I said "Really? I knew from the get go all you wanted was sex"

and he texts "I don't want to break your heart, but I have to tell you something."

And the whole time I'm thinking "Break my heart?! Don't flatter yourself" but I text "What? You don't want to talk to me anymore? It was all about sex? Your not ready for a relationship? I'm not dumb, I knew when you didn't bother to stick around after we did it I was a hussy to you,"

And he texts back. "No not really."

So I angriliy reply "Then what the fuck is it?"

And he types "Well, I can't be in a relationship right now, I have a GIRLFRIEND (note, i capitalized for effect) that I've been with for TWO YEARS now, and I[ve never cheated on her, except with you. Can we still be friends"

me- "Fuck buddies or friends?"
him- "Whatever, see you later then"
me- "No, fucking tell me, theres a difference and I need to know"
him- "Just friends, I love her, but I really like you"
me- "I dunno"
him- "please"
me- "Give me time to be pissed off, then I'll see"

End of conversation.

I dunno still. I'm mad, and slightly heart broken, even though I wouldn't call it that, I guess I'm disappointed with myself.

So then today,I went and bought a scale. I gained back 3 pounds due to the holidays.
I feel like crying, and yet I've been doing well my last two days on the ABC diet.

I guess I just need to work out like a crazy fool tommorow.

I've only eaten 200 calories today, but I'm feeling hungry again. So I might go for a yogurt, because I think if I eat any more soup I'm going to throw up (not neccesarily a bad thing at this point)

But this whole Matt situation makes me feel like hurling, all and nothing I ate.

He makes me want to binge. But those three pounds hold me back from that.

Another Shout out to Gymnast for being so awesome, and I love her! She's seriously the best support out there :D

ON the verge of a Binge

With nothing to do I turned on Starving Secrets.

This girl is eating tacos, and I'm so hungry, so jealous.

BUT I DON'T NEED IT

I don't want to be fat, because I know it's impossible for me to purge.

I'm having a massive panic attack because I know if I go into the kitchen, I will eat something I'm going to regret.

I want to save the calories for when I get off work and I'll be very hungry,

BUT IM VERY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Water and green tea may help, but I'm so nervous, what if it doesn't?

On the verge of a binge, and holding on to not slip and fail.

Today

So, today, I hope Gymnast has a better day! Poor girl sounds rough.

I have work today at 3 but get off at 7 (sucks I only got 16 hours this week because I insisted on having my birthday off)

But it's alright, I'm feeling lazy this week. That being saidddd. I haven't been to the gym. Not once.

Nor have I really done anything around the house, but sleep. Eat. Breathe. And watch stupid ass T.V.

My post is fairly lame today. I have nothing good to talk about.

500 calories today. I'm up to 145, because I also couldn't get the craving for yogurt out of my head, despite all the tea, water, and whatever else I ate.

Althought I have been drinking a TON more green tea. Whenever I have a craving or my stomach growls. I run and make tea.

Hopefully it will work.

The Harold Song

I think the men in my life, have a problem with Mia. Not litterally, none of the men in my life are ashamed of themseves in any matter. What I mean, is the men in my life chew me up, and spit me out.

I told you about the guy, yesterday at the mall? God he was so handsome, and sweet, and a tickle of bad, which is what I needed. And so today, I hung out with him.

Actually. I had sex with him.

Which is the problem with me, it's like, that how I get them to stick around is by putting out, and they take and take and take. And find better binge food, and vomit me out.

And today, when I was driving mall dude home. My car ran out of gas, but we were a light away from the gas station so when we got it started, we chugged our way there. And as I went inside to pay for gas, I look outside, and there he is, flirting with some SKINNY, girl. And he got her number (his friend was also there, and was yelling it threw the parking lot).

Worst part? I don't take birth control. I hate feeling, "controlled" by something else. I need to be in control. Which, is so so so stupid.

Ever worst part? We didn't use a condom.

Most horrible piece? He didn't bother to pull out.

I'm not worried actually about that, because it's happened before with other guys,and I really have worried before, and I don't feel the same about this. I know I'm not pregnant, and won't be. I don't have money for the day after pill. But, there is still a tinge of doubt in my mind. And. That tinge of doubt is eating my brains.

Now, in this time of complete and utter disaster is the best time for doing what I do best. Binging.

Binging.

Binging again.

Binging more.

And binging a couple more times.


And never purge.

But this time, I feel like I just want to get sick to my stomach, lean over a toilet and puke up everything, all 150 calories I had today, and more then that.

If I had control, I would be skinny.

And boys would love me.

And they wouldn't leave me.

But, I'm not sure love is for me.

You know when there is two things you yearn for so badly it hurts and yet, they are conflicting? Thats me, right now.

You get love, and become fatter and fatter because the men in my life feed me, and make me neurotic about eating, and the men in my life tear Nutrition facts off all products I by, and block web sites so I can't see.

OR

You get thin skinnyness, which hopefully comes with love when everyone swoons over you because your gorgeous.

But I'm not gorgeous.

But I am gigantic.

I just want my hip bones, and my thighs apart, and not to worry what shirt makes me look fat or5 sucking in when I flash someone, because I know I'm thin.

Which is the other thing. Hand and Hand with my ED (which I've yet to come to terms with what to call it. I'm not mia because I binge, but can't purge, and I'm not ana, because I do eat, and I still love food. I love the worst enemy. I'm like a middle schooler that has a crush on the hottest boy at school, and simultaneously hates him)

I know I'm probably rambeling, but once I finish, I wont want to eat and it will all be out of my head so it wont bother me.

But I have a vague feeling I'm a sex addict, and have been longer then I've worried about my weight.

I love boys, and I love the euphoric moment of the bond. But it goes away, just like the food I eat. And then I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

Happy. Thin. Loved.

All Over the Place

Alright, SO I kinda went MIA there for a while. SO let me just say, the holidays, FUCKED ME UP!

I failed at any sane eating. Miserably.

But Christmas was good, the babies were so cute, and everyone loved their gifts. I got a Kindle (loving it!) and a couple of gift cards for clothes (loving it even more :D)

So then, on the 26th (which I deem as the shittiest day of the year) It's right before my birthday and right after Christmas. Anyways. I went shopping and for the first time, since I was about, 12. I fit into a size 9. I understand thats still not very good, but hey, this is progress for me. I bought some other really cute clothes.

Then yesterday was my birthday, and it was fucking fantastic! First I went and got my nails done with Sarah and Autumn, I got them to match some shoes I have, and they look so nice! We went to the mall and got some photo booth pictures (which is my ultimate favorite thing to do!) and we met some guys (one guy was really into me, and he got my number, and I got his.)

HE's 2 years younger (17) but almost 18, but I dunno, I still feel weird. He's mega sexy, and mega sweet.

Then, I went to the club last night with my friends, and It was possibly the most fun I've had for a very very very long time. First off, I felt prettier then ever, and I was just so excited. We got there, and just took so many pictures, and then I was dancing with guy, and we were making out like crazy (didn't even know his name) and the best part about it was, it felt so damn good. I didn't even care, no one to judge me, no one to tease me, I felt so sexy, and this guy was eating me up (almost literally).

When I came to this epiphany.

A few years back, my best friends all sort of ditched me, and since then, I've been pretty down and out, kept to myself, not many friends, and they're alot younger if I have them.

Which with my old friend, I used to take my camera EVERYWHERE! I wouldn't leave the house without it, and everytime we'd end up with like 100 photos of absolutely nothing!

And yesterday was the first time that had happened in a long time. I mean, I have snippets of little peices of things, but in those picture I'm just so over weight it's unbearable. And I think, with me losing this weight, I'm regaining my confidence (and my camera skills) because last night, I didn't care, we took 1000 damn photos, and I think I looked sexy!

So today I'm back on track for ABC diet. Third times a charm, right? New Years resolution? Get down to my Goal weight by summer.

Fuck The Holidays Man

So, I don't really mean what I say in the title, I love the holidays. You know what I don't love? Sugary sweet yummy bullshit that I shouldn't and don't want to eat, that I do anyways.

Todays awful binge that never became purged? A BK Garden Salad, three hot wings, with ranch, a sugar cookie, anda 10 calorie jello.
And I'm watching this Starving Secrets show. And I fucking love it. The skinny girls. Love them.

I also found an old CD and I can't believe how much I missed it! It's kinda like my whole world right now.

Anyways, I have to be at work again tommorow at 11 in the morning, and it's one currently (which means I need to get my ass to bed!) But I'm housesitting and playing Fable 3 and kicking ASS!

Anyways. Good night loves.

Maybe tommorow I can.

Stay Strong.

Recite the ABCs

So I guess after my fast/binge spree I need to restart the ABC diet. Today I'm too hungry to fast. I'm also on the period from he'll. Now normally I get my periods every three months ish (without birth control, it's just naturally. Happened ever since I have had it) but this one has gone on for about three weka non stop, not always heavy bleeding, but like when I pee it's bloody, ya know? It's so irritating, because I always get hungry around my period, which is why I think have failed on my first round of the ABC. Fuck I want it to be done. I'm also taking some carb interceptors, which is really the only thing making me feel better about my binge last night. I'm only going 100 calories today, because I'll be mostly at work and won't have time to eat and then tonight I'm house sittig for my aunt, and she never really has food, and I can resist food a little easier when it's just myself. So I'm going to go eat some 10 calorie jello. Drink more water. And maybe I'll feel normal, and not like I'm going to pass out. Stay strong everyone and have a good day.

So good, yet so bad.

So yesterday I fasted successfully, seeing that I pigged out the day before. And I was doing so so well today not going to eat. But while I was at work, I nearly passed out because my blood sugar dropped. So when I got home I devoured about a cup of fettucine Alfredo. I'm sick to my stomach and can't successfully purge. I just want to be thin. Is it so impossible?

Will Power!

So I have gone through my first day of not eating. Succesful Today I shall do the same. Maybe I can just keep, not eating. I could handle that as opposed to eating little amounts... Hmm.

Starting Over

So, I seriously fucked up this ABC Diet. And I still want to be skinny. I'm starting to see progress, my wrists feel thinner, I begin to feel my collarbone.

And so, I'm fasting for two days, and then starting over! I'm going to be extremely busy for the next two days, so fasting shouldn't be too hard. I've been very stressed with the holidays and Joe, and the likewise. Story of my life.

Pretty Proud With Not Enough Self Control.

So everyone, yesterday I had a very successful fast. I didn't eat anything all day. I was going to fast again today, but I know I don't have enough self control and I'll binge. So instead I'm eating 100 calories. Sugarfree jello breakfast is my best friend. Finnally started taking my weight loss pills again. And so, I'm back on track. I will be skinny on my birthday!!!!!

I guess My Blog Isn't Just about one thing.

SO Lately, I've been posting alot about my diet. But in the past, I've posted dreams, some guy stuff, my day, the likewise. It's kind of my life.

SO I guess I'll update you on everything. SO far on my diet, I haven't checked how much weight I've lost, but today I'm allotted 100 calories. I've fairly nervous about blowing it, since I haven't done, like perfect in the last few days. Hopefully lots of water and a workout can cure that.

Second. Boys? Well Joe and I? Yeah I don't know what we are /still/ and it gets more complicated because of his depression, because he rarely talks to me, but everytime he does, I'm still head over heels for him. I think we might hang out on my birthday :D

Third, I have to post my dream, because It was kinda weird groovy. So, it basically starts off with my friend and I at our elementary school, (note- the school was my high school in the dream)and like, we were learning about college stuff, but I wasn't in the class, so my friend told me to drive her truck while she was in class. So, I was tooling around in her truck, and it was all snowy and icy outside, and I crashed it, but she was like "It's okay, I have another one" and I went home.

Well I went home to where I had an older sister, an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother (note 2- the perspective between me and the older sister shifts. Like occasionally I was in her shoes, other times, I was kinda just like my own perspective on the side.)But anyways, Our like Aunt, was really really abusive, and we didn't like her, so we snuck away that night, and ended up in this condemned sort of house, like it was all broken down and moldy. And there were these wolves there, kind of walking around us as to protect us. Well, we knew at this point our Aunt was following us, so we were looking for a place to hide, and we found this closet type thing, that we crept in, and hid in, well as my brother leaned back, he opened up like this secret passage. So we went in it, and shut the door. Well as we turned around, we realized that it was a sewer, and we began to like race threw it, trying to hold our little sister, because she kept falling behind, when finally we found this guy (the sewer had opened up and like, it was very strange, he had a little table, and there was like sewer ladders all around, and he told us we could camp out there. So we ended up telling him our story, and life and whatever. Well, a few days later, our aunt found us, and was trying to figure out a way to get to us, and we were panicking. Well, our little sister, had climbed up the ladder, and was pushing the ceiling tiles, when we found out, there was a loose one. So before our Aunt could get to us, we slipped through this tile, and into the building. Well as we were there, an older lady and gentleman were like looking at us, and we asked if we could hide from our evil aunt and such. So, we rush down into the basement, which was like, four floors down, and the stairs were all crazy far away from each other. So we get down to the basement, and find the guy from the sewer and this girl, and he tells us we can't keep showing up were he is and bringing all this drama because he has a baby now. And then he leaves. Well we're like hiding, and this basement is cold, completely unfinished, and awful. So, we're like, waiting with baited breath, and our Aunt never comes. So we finally come out, and the lady is crying and says she can't take care of us because she has this baby that she can't even breastfeed. (and this is where the situation changes perspective, it becomes my older sister as opposed to me) So my sister walks over and starts breast feeding the baby, and we're all shocked, we're like, :O "Your pregnant?" and she's like yeah, I didn't want to tell you guys. So. We stay there for a whole, the mom and my sister switching off feeding this baby, and it's all moldy down where we are, and as we're sleeping one night, my youngest sister starts crying for our Aunt, and we're like, no baby, hush hush, when our Aunt comes down, and is trying to get at us again. So. We kind of rush past her, and run up the stairs, trying to make sure everyone is there, and the littlest sister keep falling behind on purpose. Well finally we get to the ground floor of the house, and go to dart out the front door, when we see pillows and blankets on the couch, and I yell at my older brother to take them. So he does, and we run out of this house, and find a U-haul truck just over this fence, so we all jump it, and our Aunt catches up, and our little sister can't get over, so we leave without her, and we're sobbing uncontrollably, as my brother starts to drive away. So we drive for a few days just in barren fields, and whatnot, just somber about the loss of our sister, when finally, we ditch the car, and go back down to the sewer, where we see the guy who had housed us, and we thank him, and go through the ceiling tile again into the house, and all the way downstairs. And as we walk down the stairs we see the mom and baby, and we bring our pillows and stuff, and kind of make a simple bed and whatnot, and we're all just distraught. Well it kind of changes to like a few years later and flashes to me walking downstairs again, and as I go down, I see the baby (now a toddler) curled up in a nice actual bed, and there is walls (unlike there was before, and the basement is basically finished) And I walk over to the mom and she tells me she won the lottery and made the bed for her baby to live a good life. And my dream kind of ended there. It was bizarre to be honest, but, interesting.