My Roller Coaster

Hmmm. Let's see. Where do I begin.

So. Not doing well after the whole hospital thing. It was because I wasn't eating.

And I've put on weight again, because I dunno. Like. I look at food and gain.

I binged today despite protesting in my head.

I feel very tired. All the time, again.

Things with Bryan?

Well. He didn't come over, for a few more nights. And when he did, I asked him if he would like to go out. He said not while he was figuring his life out. So I asked "never?" and he said "Well thats rude!" and I said "No, no one ever has their life figured out!" and he laughed and said, well, let me get at least a plan.

Soooo, then we had sex. blah. blah blah.

The next day at work I was bombarded with "Ohhh, so you and Bryan?"

and I was like, uhhhh. Cuz I hadn't told anyone.

So when he came over, I laughed and told him I was gonna give him a bunch of hickeys so that everyone at work would see what we did.

Mission accomplished. He drove me to work the next day so politely.

We get to work. It's all going good. Everyone finds out what we did.

And then. Shit blew up.

Angelique told Bryan that I had an STD.

Which I don't.

He won't talk to me now.

Well, correction, he didn't talk to me, said he needed a few days to blow it over, and today when I text him, he saidddddd.

"I'm sorry, I'm not the guy for you"

when I asked why, he said

"Really, we are not common at all, I'm looking for someone with substance"

I believe him that I don't have substance.

But then.

There is this other guy. Dale. I met him at work. And he is.

EVERYTHING I have been looking for.

He took me to a fancy steakhouse.

And we had shit in common.

He liked to read, and like study, and talk, and listens to good music, and. He's a good guy.

He even paid for dinner. The best freakin fish tacos I have ever had!

Anyways, afterwards we went to Lookout Mountain. Which has an entire view of the city. The lights were beautiful!!!!

And then.

He goes, I have something to show you.

So, he takes me down this path, and into this pretty little valley, and goes, "Look up" and when I looked up the stars. Where. wow.

Like.

The most amazing view of the stars I've seen in a while wow.

And he kisses me.

We then curled up in his truck (cuz it was cold) looked at the view, and talked :D

he came to my house and stuff happened, and he spent the night. The next day he so sweetly gave me a ride to work.

Thats when shit went down with Bryan.

And it's weird, because this guy is perfect, and yet, I don't feel the normal, OMG! I'm away from him for ten seconds, I must follow him around like a puppy kind of like I normally do.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

HE asked me out, like, girlfriend wise and I said yes.

Last night he took me out to chinese food, super yummy, it was the only thing I ate all day.

Ate another doughnut just now.

Feeling so fat. Miss feeling skinny. Happy. And I dunno. Alive.

Depression

Passed out twice yesterday.

Got taken to the hospital. My family found out.

My mom won't shut up to listen to me. She thinks I'm doing drugs.

I want to sleep til I rot away.

I don't want to lose this right now.

Just got to 145.

Happy. Sad. Depressed. Whatever else you can be.

Facebook Stalking

It doens't do anyone any good.

It actually just makes you feel like shit.

Or at least it does me.

Looking at my old old old bestfriends page. And I've so been replaced with a girl named Blu.

Have you ever thought how weird it must be to go from "Oh my gosh, had a gre4at time with Destany last night" to "Oh my god, Blue and I were crazy last night!"

I feel that binge coming on. Ug.

Going home to sleep.

I don't wanna get up for a week.

I don't know why I did it

Last night. Shit hit the fan with Andres.

Well.

Not really, it happened before last night.

Well.

Let's see, I was texting him, blah blah blah, and all of a sudden he said he couldn't come over, and then I told him he had a lame excuse, and he said I was calling him a liar, I was hung up on him, I was rushing into things, and I didn't understand his situation.

I told him, I liked him, there was nothing to rush into, I do understand his position, and I never called him a liar.

He stopped speaking to me.

Last night, I had a panic attack at work and started crying when I saw him.

He asked why I was crying, and I said it's because I was so angry at myself for fucking things up like I do so well.

He didn't say anything.

Then, Angelique last night, was flirting with him, in front of me, talking about how she couldn't wait til they went to the movies,and thats when I lost my shit.

I stormed away from my register, went back to returns, started throwing shit, and when my friend Ester came back to comfort me, I burst into hysterics, shaking I was so mad, and I just couldn't stop spewing to Ester my issue.

I got to my car, and started sobbing, and hitting the wheel.

I considered driving off the road. IT made me feel better.

I got home safely.

I talked to Chasingperfection about my issue.

She let me know I'm NOT going crazy.

But I feel like it.

I went to bed. I tried to fast yesterday but ended up eating a couple hot wings and a sprite.

thats 390 calories.

I burned 145 calories.

Last time I check the scale I was down to 149.8

Which I think is lower then the last weight I posted, but before that I was at 146.2.

But I did start my period. I dunno.

Im depressed.

Again.

After Work

Alright, so today I've been posting like crazy, as well as moping around like crazy. Well, so you all heard (I assume) about the mall guy, right?Well, his name is Matt, and he makes me want to stab myself.So I told you how last night we had sex?

Yeah then I told you about how he got that other girls number. Great.

So today he told me he would call, and I knew he wouldn't (I've been in enough of these situations to know better)

So, I instead texted him saying "Wow, so much for calling"

and he texts back, "My bad my phone died" Which I call bullshit.

Anyways, I call him, and I start yelling at him about how fucked up it was and he was like, it was just a joke, and I was like, whatever, I'm at work, bye -click- and so he texts:

I'm sorry I really am, I didn't know it would hurt you.

So I'm kind of a sap for that shit, but this time I knew better then to fall for it, so I said "Really? I knew from the get go all you wanted was sex"

and he texts "I don't want to break your heart, but I have to tell you something."

And the whole time I'm thinking "Break my heart?! Don't flatter yourself" but I text "What? You don't want to talk to me anymore? It was all about sex? Your not ready for a relationship? I'm not dumb, I knew when you didn't bother to stick around after we did it I was a hussy to you,"

And he texts back. "No not really."

So I angriliy reply "Then what the fuck is it?"

And he types "Well, I can't be in a relationship right now, I have a GIRLFRIEND (note, i capitalized for effect) that I've been with for TWO YEARS now, and I[ve never cheated on her, except with you. Can we still be friends"

me- "Fuck buddies or friends?"
him- "Whatever, see you later then"
me- "No, fucking tell me, theres a difference and I need to know"
him- "Just friends, I love her, but I really like you"
me- "I dunno"
him- "please"
me- "Give me time to be pissed off, then I'll see"

End of conversation.

I dunno still. I'm mad, and slightly heart broken, even though I wouldn't call it that, I guess I'm disappointed with myself.

So then today,I went and bought a scale. I gained back 3 pounds due to the holidays.
I feel like crying, and yet I've been doing well my last two days on the ABC diet.

I guess I just need to work out like a crazy fool tommorow.

I've only eaten 200 calories today, but I'm feeling hungry again. So I might go for a yogurt, because I think if I eat any more soup I'm going to throw up (not neccesarily a bad thing at this point)

But this whole Matt situation makes me feel like hurling, all and nothing I ate.

He makes me want to binge. But those three pounds hold me back from that.

Another Shout out to Gymnast for being so awesome, and I love her! She's seriously the best support out there :D