I can't find my cord!

It's so irritating! I can't find my cable that goes from my camera to the computer so I can post pictures for you guys. UGGGGGG!

But I'm finnally on a computer longer then an hour, so I can totally read up on you guys!!!

YAY!

LADIES!

AHHHH!!!!!!!!!11 I missed you guys!!!!!!!!!!!1


I'm sorry its been so long, between work, and sleeping and moving, and not having internet, it's been tough to find a way to write!!!

But I'm at my moms currently, so here's a short little snippet.

OH MY GOD!

I love my apartment, it's a studio, but it's HUGE! Gonna post pictures if I can find my cord.

I got a kitten because I was mega lonely, and her name is Samantha (I adopted her, so she already had the name) but I thought it was fitting since I lost my dog Sammy a year ago.

Greg called and said he wanted me back. I told him to fuck off I was sick of his shit.

My friend Sarah came over, and asked me why I had so much sex.

I broke down and into tears and I'm feeling empowered.

I told her about the two sides of me, and how I'm either one or the other, and she looked at me, and said "I still love you, I'm not going to be like your other friends, because I want you to be okay! I love you!"

I'm 154 lbs.

Bummer, but I'm working on it, when I can go shopping and have food I wont have to eat like shit (and will have an excuse not to go with my family out to dinner)

I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I don't have a ton of time, so I can't read up on you guys!

I'm living, boy free, all me, and LOVING IT!!!!!!!

My own apartment has been amazing!!!!!!

I have my "beautiful people wall" which I made when I was 13, and it was always in my room, my wall of magizine photos of beautiful girl (basically thinspo when I didn't have a name for it) and finnally I got to put it back up!!!!!!!!


But I have to be short, so I'm off, hopefully be back to post pictures!

Bout as creepy as it gets.

Shout out to Gymnast! Mike is the guy I met at the mall that /had/ a girlfriend (they broke up) and how I met Greg. We've been talking since Greg and I broke up.

Anyways.

Been eating like shit. Can barely fit into my sevens anymore.

Moving to my place in 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So excited.

Havent been blogging often and I apologize, besides just not being in the mood, I've been working like crazy.

Anyways, I was going through my email, and happened to find a picture of Joe. And I burst into tears.

Now, most of you don't know about/ the story of Joe.

SOOOO Here it goes.

One night I was house sitting for Barbie, and had invited my friend Lisa over. Well. We were getting pretty shit faced. So we invited this guy over. And then, she was like "I wanna guy to bone" so we went on craigslist (yeah, good choices are not really any choices of mine)

and found this guy. And then he came over, and I was so shit faced I barely got to meet him.

But the next morning I got up to a house that might have looked like a scene from the hangover, so I was emailing him, and we were laughing about it.

Well, I began to text him, and Lisa began to text the guy I had slept with that night.

So one night we hung out, and we really didn't do much but sleep together, and then he left.

And it was great, we were like best friends. Talked EVERY morning and every night, and he talked to me til I fell asleep (my favorite thing anyone can ever do ever.) and we told each other everything.

A common thing of ours was to just drive around. Get in his very sexy audi and drive around blasting music and laughing.

And we were so in love. We weren't dating, or anything, but it was just one of those things you know? Ya know? Like, he would call me beautiful, and love, and I couldn't resist him.

And then. I left for school, and we were still like best friends, and he helped me throguh the whole getting kicked out thing. And when my mom beat the shit out of me, he helped me through that. But, slowly, he was getting more depressed, and he would just turn off his phone. He had lost his job, and so paying bills was getting to him, and shit was piling up, and he was getting more and more and more depressed. Once he threatened to kill himself. And I sobbed on the phone, and asked him never to leave me alone in this world, because he was the only thing I had to live for. And he said.

"Kid, I would never leave you. I will never leave you. Your my best friend, and I love you too much to let this world take you away from me."

The last time I saw him was on Halloween. I begged him to text me more and he promised he would. And we left it with a goodnight kiss.

He was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, and never did.

The last time I text him was sometime in December when I asked if we could hang out on New Years. He promised, and I bought him his favorite cologne for Christmas.

And I never heard from him again.

As I type this I'm sobbing. He promised he wouldn;t ever leave me, and he's just gone. I don't know if he is dead, or in jail, or just doesn't want to speak to me.

I called his phone, it's shut off. I emailed him, but to no reply.

I looked him up online in inmate records. He isn't there. He is just, missing.

And it kills me. Joseph Mullen age 28 from Colorado Springs. If you look him up online, be warned, you'll find mostly nude pictures of him on random sites, gay straight, and so on. It's him, but none of them are updated.

He took most of my soul with him, and I miss him to eternity.

So here I go with the Creepiness and am going to post most of the pictures I have of him.



This is Joe and I at the club, he had a panic attack, so didn't stay in the club long that night. But I didn't care, I'm so happy I have this picture. One of the few of him and I.



This is Joe washing his car. He loved that thing more then anything, except me I hope. This was at one in the morning, us washing his car. So ridiculously fun.



This was the first time I ever set foot in Joe's car. We were parked in a parking lot just laughing and talking. I miss him so much it hurts.



This is Joe filling his car tire. This was the night we drove downtown, and went to random porn shops just to look at stupid shit, and laughed our asses off.




This is the last picture Joe and I ever took. Halloween. I have one of us kissing on my camera. I want to be the only one to see it ever, because it's almost like. A secret that I have that he loves me. Stupid, but none the less real to me.



This is the creepiest picture I have of Joe, but I'm in the mood to post it.

This is how I want to remember Joe. Laying in bed with me, as we had an amazing night, and neither of us had a care in the world. And everything was okay with the world.

Shitty quality. But, thats how love is, shitty quality, but so real it doesn't matter if it's blurry.

I miss him so much.

He was my rock. He was my world.

I wish I could find him.

I love Joe. Alot. And always will.

I need Joe, because everything would be okay.

My sex addiction, my eating disorder, my life.

My life would be okay if Joe would come back.

I know his phone is turned off, but I still text it.

I send things like

"Getting my apartment in three days. Wish you were here to see it with me, I lvoe you Joe Joe. Hope your okay. I miss you to death bfffff. I love you."

and it makes my heart hurt, because he vanished in thin air.

Valentines Day < 3

Turned out better then expected, Mike showed up at my work with balloons, and kissed me in front of the entire staff, when he said he wasnt going to make it.

I was very happy.

Then some friends and I were talking at work, they all agree that curvy is in, and thin is out.

But I know thats a lie. Thin is always in.

And I want in.

Well Here We Go Again

Wish Someone would sing this to me.

Been stuck in my head.

Can't tell if it's for me, or for someone I love.

I can't decide I guess.



Look past the fact she is singing about her song. I love the beat, and I like the "non hair" lyrics.



Love this song. Love the art. Love the way the changing singer makes it look like a fight almost. Sexy appeal.


Dear Destany. Cheer the fuck up please!!!!

This I dunno, I just like this one.



This is my cheer the hell up video. Makes me wanna dance!!!! <3 them (goin hispter right now. I loved them for their Snakes on a Plane album!)

LOVE THIS VIDEO!!!!

Perk up DESTANY!

Employee Of The Month

Thats me :D

I couldn't be more happy.

Sad Because of how sickeningly FAT I'm getting.

Not much to post then the fact that I WONT b egetting flowers or chocolate for Valentines Day.

Single Mingle :D

Frozen In Place

I'm so cold. Grandma. PLEASE GIVE ME HEAT!

Been working a ton! Sorry about not blogging, I'm all over the place.

I'll get back to my more regular posts soon, I promise!

I don't want to give you my stats until I get my own place, and burn these pounds.

So excited :D

So ladies.

I offically have TEN days til I get my own place!!!!!!


WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

So excited, I'm just like, crazy excited!

I'm not sure what to post today, cuz when I get excited, I'm MEGA a.d.d

<3 youuuuu guys :D

INSANELY ADD

I'm feeling super A.D.D Today!!!!

That being said, I was just looking at shoes.




Those. Shoes. ARE HEAVEN! I fucking love those shoes.

I want nine hundred pairs of those shoes.

I fucking love these shoes. I want to do everything in these shoes.

Reward at 135 :D

Signed my lease for my apartment today!!!!

Move in on the twentieth!!!

Which means.... NO MORE FOOD! I can't afford it, and don't want it :D

Greg broke up with me today.

I text him and was like "Sooo?" and he was like "We're done you gave me something."

and now, I KNOW I'm clean, I get tested, and I'm CLEAN as a fucking lysol wipe!!!!!

So I say "Bullshit, I get tested, I know I'm clean"

I dont really care.

But I did text mike and tell him his friend was a douchebag and blah blah blah.

And he said he broke up with his girlfriend, and would like to spend valentines with me.

Now I work valentines. But, I wouldn't mind flowers.

I'm all over today, I'm so fucking happy.

I'm pretty sure I stayed undr 600 calories, but I'm not sure.

HAPPY today!!!!

Fucking Fantastic

Thats how I am.

Wonderful.

Now I owe you ladies a few days worth of things.

Day 20
Favorite diet? Well. I have no fucking clue, seeing I can't stick to one! Probably the ABC, which I will soon be back on track to.



Russia. I want to go there. Freexing? I don't care! The buildings are beautiful.

Day 21
Currently, I can fit into a size 7 pant (my lowest, ever) and still large shirts (I like em kinda baggy).



This is Lynden and I. I have told you about him before.

Somewhere around.....
Here: http://lalaponeysandlalapopcorn.blogspot.com/2011/12/so-today.html

day 22
My lowest weight has been 149. 6 or .7 or something. I posted it on here earlier. I gained because I got so stressed, and was just devouring food like I could. BAD!



This is an OLD ass picture. I actually found it on the facebook of an old friend that hates me now, that has been blocked for a few years, that I finnally got able to find again.

Anyways. Confusing. I'm eating. I'm happy. I have a spoon in the icecream along with a fork in my hand.

The good ol days.

Day 23
Media really only played a bit into my wanting to lose weight. Pretty women do get what they want, but it was really my own doing.



My favorite author, indeed. Actually her last book was one thing inspiring into my weight lose (Perfect is the name, and it's very hard to read for me)

But, these three (trilogy) are my favorite. I feel so much like the main character, and when Trey comes into it, it reminds me very. very. very. much of Lorne.

And its a bit crazy.

Day 24
I dunno really how I feel about the pro ana/mia terms. They're just words. If your pro to me, your gonna talk about it, encourage others in what theyre doing. And, it's just, words.



Fuck oreos man. theyre my WORST binge food. I can eat a whole package in one night, by myself. Major binge/ craving food.

Day 25
Have I ever purged? Well. Not exactly. I've tried for sure.

My first experience, I was with my family, and I was 13. We were eating at thios stupid country restaurant in the mountains, and I was panicking about how much I ate. I raced to the bathroom and proceeded to actually purge up what I ate. But. I purged way to much and began hurling up blood. After a bit I was so dazed I had to lay on the bathroom floor, alone.

Yeah. Not my prettiest moment.



Thats me, last year. Lets see. I'm the same weight. I don't have the nose rings anymore, but I want them back. I don't draw on myself nearly as much. I don't go out, nearly as much. Uhm... Yeah, bout it.

Day 26

The most exciting thing? HIP BONES! Or leg gaps, or wearing a bikini and being okay with it, or. Or. Just being that thin. YES YES YES. I want it.



My siblings mean the world to me. My babies! I couldn't live without them. My world would be crushed.

Day 27
I deal awfully around food. I just eat it, or don't, but I panic if I don't and eat it anyways. So. Yeahhh.



Thats me Jaiden and my Grandma. I look awful here, but. It is what it is. My family is the world to me.

Day 28.
Hell yes I want the gap in my thighs! That shit is sexy as fuck, and I'm sick of getting rub burn!



Eating like that. Fucking Terrifies me.

Anyways, terribly long post and I barely told you about my apartment. I'm signing papers tommorow!

Yay! Lovely Night Ladies.

Oh And.

Depressing how my 100th post was abotu suicide.

Well. Life goes on.

Dans texting me.

He wants me to help him relax in exchange for a ride.

I know what that means.

I've played these games before.

Money, for a little relaxing.

I was 16 the last time I danced with this devil.

It made me feel horrible. Awful.

Dirty. Filthy. Yucky.

But. Desperate times call for desperate measures. My grandma told me to call my mom for a ride. But I know she won't talk to me.

I got a teddy bear from a girl at work. I like it.

It made me happy.

One moment at a time. One second at a time.

If I can get at least half the seconds in my day to be happy seconds. Then we're getting somewhere. right?

Hi new follower, happy to see you :D

Sprry you had to come in on such a depressing week.

It will get better, I'm not always like this.

Wednesday I'm seeing about this lease.

Hopefully.

Hopefully.

Hopefully.

I need alot of hope.

But I have about none.

Life Support.

Thank you all. I read your comments, and they brightened my day.

I had a pretty good day.

But, still bad. Like.

I could rate my mood in color spectrum

Red is bad

blue is sad and depressed.

Green is happy.

Purple is bubbly.

Pink is fun and like weee.

Yesterday was black.

Today is navy.

I feel better, but not by much.

I think Greg is cheating on me, and going to break up with me.

I've been scrambling to figure out who will sign my lease with me so I can get my apartment. It's the only thing I want in my life.

A place to call my own.

I'd love to live by myself, but, I don't think it's going to happen.

Dan (who is a guy I guess I've been with on and off, friends with on and off, and using, on and off) horrible. But true.

I need a ride to work tommorow, and I asked if he wanted to be my roomate.

I don't want to be his roomate. But I need someones name on that lease.

(Just got my answer. It was no.)

Slowly my dreams are slipping out of my hands. I miss Joe so much. So much it hurts. I wish I knew what happened to him.

Your comments made me feel better, thank you guys!

I'm tired. And blue, so. I guess I'll post tommorow.

One step at a time.

Suicide

It's been on my mind.

More then ever.

Have you ever felt.

So empty.

So alone.

So lost.

So.

Out of control.

And no one can do anything about it, and the only thing you can control is what you eat or when you purge or if you purge and how you look and if your skinny and how you feel.

And even when you can't control that, how do you feel?

It's been a few days since I've posted.

I went from high. to low.

So Greg and I finnally agreed on an apartment!! TWO WEEKS!

My own apartment.

And we've been having such an amazing time, and everything, and he makes me feel amazing. And for once in my life, I looked down while he was hugging me, and I could make out the image of my hip bones.

And he calls me sexy.

And he think I'm amazing.

And I love him.

And I got to hang out with my friends! and I missed them.

And it was amazing.

And I'm so excited about this apartment it hurts!!!

And work has been amazing.

And everything was awesome.

And then.

The other day a girl from work (Audri)told me greg had added her on Facebook.

Which I really didn't mind, they had met, it was cool.

Then he messaged her. Called her sexy. Called her princess.

And it made me sick.

And I want to be so naive to tell him I believe him when he says he didnt say those things to her.

But I know better. but I let him say it anyways.

And I've been helping Audri with her boyfriend issues with Andrew, who I also work with.

And they got back together.

And then. Last night, I got to hang with my girlfriends, who I missed so much, haven't seen them forever.

And we picked up Greg.

And Greg and I fought. all night.

And. I should note, I've ate like shit all week. I've gained all the weight I lost, and more. And can't stop eating. I get so stressed out I Don't care what it is thats going in my stomach, just if it fills the void. And it never does.

And so. While we fought all night. I couldn't take it. Now Sarah happens to be one friend I told about my eating disorder, and she knows about my binging and attempted purging.

Well last night, after Greg and I got so into it I couldn't take it, I was shoving bisquits and gravy in my face be the forkful, and before I could even swallow I was in the bathroom attempting to purge it up.

I locked the door.

And Sarah knocked, and pleaded and cried that I stop.

And I didn't.

I told her to go away.

Because it's the only thing I can control in my life.

And in that time, I had made sure Greg was outside.

Little did I know, he was smoking pot.

So this morning I got awoke to my mother telling me we needed to chat.

In short. She kicked me out. It was a year ago today that I ran away from my moms house.

And she kicked me out today.

And called Sarah and Autumns parents. And told them about last night, and now, I can't hang out with them anymore.

So I called my best friend Katy, the one who's always there for me.

And she sounded so disappointed in me it killed me.

And Greg hasn't texted me all day, I think his phone is dead.

But I feel so lost.

I feel so empty.

And all I can do is cry.

I'm spinning out of control.

And if he goes, so does my apartment. Not because money, but I need his name on the lease to say that we make enough to afford this apartment.

I budgeted, and it would be tight. And I would cut our grocery budget first. Because I fucking hate food.

I wish it would just go away.

I'm at my grandmas. And she loves me so much.

And I wish everyone would stop loving me because I could just die so much easier.

Because right now, I just want to slit my throat.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

Music isn't helping.

Fat isn't helping.

I was getting there, but now my hip bones are disappearing again. And I'm left fat.

Sarahs mom has been trying to call me, but I won't answer. I'm too afraid.

I text her and said

"I can't handle talking right now. I'm sorry Jill. I'm all over the fucking place. And I'm not in a good state of mind."

And I left it at that.

I want to die.

It's not worth it.

I'm not good enough for anybody. And I miss Joe, and I called him today, and his phone has been disconnected and it breaks my heart because he's just gone, and I love him, and want him, and miss him.

And he left me here, in this awful place alone.

Like he promised me he never would.

I'm supposed to go fill out paperwork for my apartment tomorrow. I'm so lost.

All I can do is cry.