Suicide

It's been on my mind.

More then ever.

Have you ever felt.

So empty.

So alone.

So lost.

So.

Out of control.

And no one can do anything about it, and the only thing you can control is what you eat or when you purge or if you purge and how you look and if your skinny and how you feel.

And even when you can't control that, how do you feel?

It's been a few days since I've posted.

I went from high. to low.

So Greg and I finnally agreed on an apartment!! TWO WEEKS!

My own apartment.

And we've been having such an amazing time, and everything, and he makes me feel amazing. And for once in my life, I looked down while he was hugging me, and I could make out the image of my hip bones.

And he calls me sexy.

And he think I'm amazing.

And I love him.

And I got to hang out with my friends! and I missed them.

And it was amazing.

And I'm so excited about this apartment it hurts!!!

And work has been amazing.

And everything was awesome.

And then.

The other day a girl from work (Audri)told me greg had added her on Facebook.

Which I really didn't mind, they had met, it was cool.

Then he messaged her. Called her sexy. Called her princess.

And it made me sick.

And I want to be so naive to tell him I believe him when he says he didnt say those things to her.

But I know better. but I let him say it anyways.

And I've been helping Audri with her boyfriend issues with Andrew, who I also work with.

And they got back together.

And then. Last night, I got to hang with my girlfriends, who I missed so much, haven't seen them forever.

And we picked up Greg.

And Greg and I fought. all night.

And. I should note, I've ate like shit all week. I've gained all the weight I lost, and more. And can't stop eating. I get so stressed out I Don't care what it is thats going in my stomach, just if it fills the void. And it never does.

And so. While we fought all night. I couldn't take it. Now Sarah happens to be one friend I told about my eating disorder, and she knows about my binging and attempted purging.

Well last night, after Greg and I got so into it I couldn't take it, I was shoving bisquits and gravy in my face be the forkful, and before I could even swallow I was in the bathroom attempting to purge it up.

I locked the door.

And Sarah knocked, and pleaded and cried that I stop.

And I didn't.

I told her to go away.

Because it's the only thing I can control in my life.

And in that time, I had made sure Greg was outside.

Little did I know, he was smoking pot.

So this morning I got awoke to my mother telling me we needed to chat.

In short. She kicked me out. It was a year ago today that I ran away from my moms house.

And she kicked me out today.

And called Sarah and Autumns parents. And told them about last night, and now, I can't hang out with them anymore.

So I called my best friend Katy, the one who's always there for me.

And she sounded so disappointed in me it killed me.

And Greg hasn't texted me all day, I think his phone is dead.

But I feel so lost.

I feel so empty.

And all I can do is cry.

I'm spinning out of control.

And if he goes, so does my apartment. Not because money, but I need his name on the lease to say that we make enough to afford this apartment.

I budgeted, and it would be tight. And I would cut our grocery budget first. Because I fucking hate food.

I wish it would just go away.

I'm at my grandmas. And she loves me so much.

And I wish everyone would stop loving me because I could just die so much easier.

Because right now, I just want to slit my throat.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

I hate myself.

Music isn't helping.

Fat isn't helping.

I was getting there, but now my hip bones are disappearing again. And I'm left fat.

Sarahs mom has been trying to call me, but I won't answer. I'm too afraid.

I text her and said

"I can't handle talking right now. I'm sorry Jill. I'm all over the fucking place. And I'm not in a good state of mind."

And I left it at that.

I want to die.

It's not worth it.

I'm not good enough for anybody. And I miss Joe, and I called him today, and his phone has been disconnected and it breaks my heart because he's just gone, and I love him, and want him, and miss him.

And he left me here, in this awful place alone.

Like he promised me he never would.

I'm supposed to go fill out paperwork for my apartment tomorrow. I'm so lost.

All I can do is cry.