Copy Cat

Did anyone see on Emma's post on Ana/Mia about all the BMI research?

Well I went to that site today and did all the same shit.

My measurements:
Weight (lbs) 147 (roughly)
Waist (inches) 33.5
Wrist (inches) 7
Hips (inches) 38
Arm (inches) 13.5


Which left me with a 25.2% body fat.

WHICH MEANS!

37 lbs of FAT! FAT FAT FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I need to be skinny when Joe visits.

He already noticed. And I want him to be amazed.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!

I CANT BELIEVE I FORGOT TO TELL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



The other day at work.

I got a text. And a call.

It was Joe :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

He found out he has a five year old daughter, and moved to Arizona.

I cried I was so happy.

It's been the best news in a while :D

He is coming to visit sometime next month, so I really have to step it up. At most weighing 135 hopefully.

I want to be below that.

So. Here is the countdown.

Today I weigh 146.4

And I have approximately two weeks to get down to 135.

I hope I can :D

My Roller Coaster

Hmmm. Let's see. Where do I begin.

So. Not doing well after the whole hospital thing. It was because I wasn't eating.

And I've put on weight again, because I dunno. Like. I look at food and gain.

I binged today despite protesting in my head.

I feel very tired. All the time, again.

Things with Bryan?

Well. He didn't come over, for a few more nights. And when he did, I asked him if he would like to go out. He said not while he was figuring his life out. So I asked "never?" and he said "Well thats rude!" and I said "No, no one ever has their life figured out!" and he laughed and said, well, let me get at least a plan.

Soooo, then we had sex. blah. blah blah.

The next day at work I was bombarded with "Ohhh, so you and Bryan?"

and I was like, uhhhh. Cuz I hadn't told anyone.

So when he came over, I laughed and told him I was gonna give him a bunch of hickeys so that everyone at work would see what we did.

Mission accomplished. He drove me to work the next day so politely.

We get to work. It's all going good. Everyone finds out what we did.

And then. Shit blew up.

Angelique told Bryan that I had an STD.

Which I don't.

He won't talk to me now.

Well, correction, he didn't talk to me, said he needed a few days to blow it over, and today when I text him, he saidddddd.

"I'm sorry, I'm not the guy for you"

when I asked why, he said

"Really, we are not common at all, I'm looking for someone with substance"

I believe him that I don't have substance.

But then.

There is this other guy. Dale. I met him at work. And he is.

EVERYTHING I have been looking for.

He took me to a fancy steakhouse.

And we had shit in common.

He liked to read, and like study, and talk, and listens to good music, and. He's a good guy.

He even paid for dinner. The best freakin fish tacos I have ever had!

Anyways, afterwards we went to Lookout Mountain. Which has an entire view of the city. The lights were beautiful!!!!

And then.

He goes, I have something to show you.

So, he takes me down this path, and into this pretty little valley, and goes, "Look up" and when I looked up the stars. Where. wow.

Like.

The most amazing view of the stars I've seen in a while wow.

And he kisses me.

We then curled up in his truck (cuz it was cold) looked at the view, and talked :D

he came to my house and stuff happened, and he spent the night. The next day he so sweetly gave me a ride to work.

Thats when shit went down with Bryan.

And it's weird, because this guy is perfect, and yet, I don't feel the normal, OMG! I'm away from him for ten seconds, I must follow him around like a puppy kind of like I normally do.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

HE asked me out, like, girlfriend wise and I said yes.

Last night he took me out to chinese food, super yummy, it was the only thing I ate all day.

Ate another doughnut just now.

Feeling so fat. Miss feeling skinny. Happy. And I dunno. Alive.

Depression

Passed out twice yesterday.

Got taken to the hospital. My family found out.

My mom won't shut up to listen to me. She thinks I'm doing drugs.

I want to sleep til I rot away.

I don't want to lose this right now.

Just got to 145.

Happy. Sad. Depressed. Whatever else you can be.

Why In The World

Well good morning America :D

So, I was reading through your guys blogs! Like I haven't had a chance to in a while, yet, I'm concerned, because a few of the people/blogs I follow, I can't seem to get to their blog! Like it says the blog is not found, and I'm like, whaaaaa?! O.o

I stayed home last night. Which is weird, because when don't I, but I was also very alone. Bryan didn't come over because he was too tired, which I undertsnad, I did keep him up all night :S I told him, he was just have to come over today, lol, but then I don't get off til eleven tonight. Ugggg, Wal-Mart can suck sometimes.

So I was so worried about making my rent.

I think I told you guys about how I had a plan if I was ever short on rent? Well. I do. But, truthfully, it's not a set plan, and I'm almost so ashamed of it, I don't want to tell you guys, because at this point, your guy's support is what keeps me going, and I feel like what I would do would disappoint you guys, and it kills me inside.

But thankfully. I dunno how, but, we always get paid 2 times a month. Every other Thursday. Thank god it's MArch I suppose.

The only reason I was short is because I had a major spending spree with my tax income, and then the next paycheck, which went to movies and stuff (yeah, the ones that got stolen)

But apparently, since we got paid the 1st (since feb is short) we got paid the 15th, because thats two weeks later. We also get paid the 29th. Which means I'll have enough to pay my bills. It will make me short for next month, but I'm going to try and budget better, and besides, it gives me a whole month to save up, get overtime, and figure it out.

I have to call the investigator today. It's been a week+ that my stuff got stolen. And the only thing that got done is that I got case transfered to an investigator, who still hasn't called me back.

I think I'll say something like "Hi officer, this is Destany Brown, case number whatever, I was just calling because I haven't heard anything from you, and was concerned that you didn't get my last voicemail. If you could give me a call that would be great, at 720 429 5918, thank you, have a great day"

But I know when I get on the phone I'll most likely panic.

Music has been really intense for me lately.

I watched 8 mile, (has eminem in it, for those who don't know)and I freaking LOVE that movie.

I think it has the best sex scene between Brittany Murphy and Eminem EVER!

But besides that, I just love it.

I was in definite need of listening to Eminem, because honestly, it always feels like he is singing to me, if not about me. And I dunno music has just been, intense for me.

I also feel like I['ve been a little too superficial lately. Like, yes my weight, obviously, but thats always a concern.

It's just. I never used to have a problem with my eyelashes. I loved how long naturally they were, but. I love fake eyelashes so much more. They make me feel perfect. And same with like, concealer/cover-up/foundation. I swore to myself I would NEVER ever wear it, except for on occasion that I was doing a photo shoot (senior pictures) or musicals at school. And sometimes to actually /cover up/ hickeys and stuff.

But now, I use it because it makes me feel so even, pale, and sexy. I don't get it.

Is it just me thinking I'm superficial, or maybe am I losing me to beauty?

It nauseates me a little bit. I never cared what I looked like (excluding weight, I've always cared about that.) I always thought I was pretty in my own way, and that every one is like that.

But now, I feel like I lost that brainy smart girl, that was nerdy and fun, and crazy, and just silly sometimes, to that girl that is beautiful, but. Thats about it, nothing deeper.

I want both of them at the same time.

I'm trying to work on that, but it's so hard to incorporate both, when you've excluded one so hard, you forget her completly.

I'm probably just rambeling at this point, but I really just need to hae it ALL out there.

I've also been on this guy kick. I don't know what it is, I've always been /okay/ without a boyfriend /happier/ when I have one, but, not like a total freak about it.

But lately, I just need a guy's company, and it's driving me nuts, I hate having to be so dependant like that, because that's NOT me at all. I'm NOT dependant, but lately, having a guy to keep me company and snuggle me has felt so nice. Not have sex, just snuggle and be okay with me.

I think I find comfort in snuggeling because (well a, who doesn't?) and because it's so innocent, and I feel like, in that moment, they appreciate the sexy and smart me, and they're just okay with me being me. And it feels so good.

I dunno. I prayed last night.

Which I don't ever do, ot because I'm not religious/spiritual, I'm just not.. I dunno, I don't follow through with alot of things.

I prayed for my moms neighbors son (who is very very sick). I barely know them, but she told me yesterday when I was walking in, and I told her he would be in my prayers (which came out of nowhere, because I don't pray)and so I figured since I told her that, I should pray for his safety.

I prayed Joe was okay. Because since I don't know what happened, all I can hope is he is happy/healthy and I love him very much.

I prayed that hopefully this thing with Bryan is something more then sex. Maybe it's a relationship, even if it doesn't last long, maybe it would kick me out of this weird funk I'm having, and definately get me over the whole Andres thing. I don't ever pray on my love life, because I feel it's almost like. Bad too. Like too commercial or something. But I did last night, because, I just am looking for somebody, which makes me feel so desperate, but. I dunno, maybe someone will hear my prayer, and kinda throw some luck my way.

I told my mom's friend off last night.

She called while I was asleep, taking a nap before Bryan would come over. But then, when I woke up I text back and asked what she needed.

She said she wanted to make sure we were still on for tommorow. (which is today I suppose) and I was like, "Uh no. You were needed today, but it never fails that you have something better to do, because you wouldn't know about canceling plans unless it was canceling my mom's plans. It never fails that I have to watch the kids, the only reason I did is because /you/ promised and didn't come trhough!" Maybe a little harsh, but honestly, I'm done with her (I don't think I post about her alot on here) but here's the run down.

She reads through my shit.
She used to go through my shit when I lived here.
She used to borrow my clothes without asking.
She used to take my clothes from the laundry and say they were hers.
She borrows the truck all the time.
She uses the truck after I put gas in it.
She never has money to put gas in the truck.
She sleeps on my moms couch.
She would get mnad because I used to sleep on my moms couch (apparently thats lazy)
She won't get a job. (even though she is perfectly okay too)
She is on fucking octave 11 at all times!!!! (she never shuts the fuck up!!!)
She has WAY TO MUCH self induced drama (I suppose I do too, but whatever)
She mooches off of my mom (I do too, but hey, I'm her kid, right?!)
She doesn't ever take a fucking hint.

And last night, I had a fucking nough.

She had promised my mom she would watch the kids while my mom went to Grand Lake. Well I had plans yesterday (not really, but thats what I told her, because maybe my plan was to sleep all fucking day, it's my day off I can do what the fuck I want!!!)

Apparently she didn't call my mom, and my mom couldn't get a hold of her, so my mom had no one to watch the kids. So, I told her I would. And I took them to the museum, and it was a good day. I'm not mad at my mom (for once)I'm mad at Glynna (yes thats moochers name) because she promised my mom, and if she could follow through with ANYTHING, then maybe I wouldn't be so pissed.

It was a good day, but I was really tired, and it was my only day off in a while, and I had to spend it being busy, which is something I hate. Even if I do live by myself, and sleep all day, and all night. If thats what I want to do on my day off and haven't promised anything to anyone, I shouuldn't be guilty of being lazy!

I guess that's my Glynna rant. Long, boring, probably too harsh. But true.

And still, it doesn't put me in a bad mood today.

I'm in a really good mood. Maybe cuz I'm rammbeling on, but in my head, I'm cleaning all the little crevices on my mind.

Like spring cleaning of my head.

Dusting the shutters, and organizing stuff, ya know?

I suppose I should shut up now, and maybe sleep a little before the kids get up (oh yeah, I had to come over again this morning, because Brett (the kiids dad) had to go to school, and Glynna isn't coming over. (Lucky for her, I'd probably punch her in the smacker if she did)

OH!!!!! One last note, and then i'll shut up!

Have any of you seen Little Miss Sunshine? Well a. I love that movie. B. It's seriously my family to a fucking t. C. there is this part. And, it makes me so angry every time I watch it. Because Abigail Breslin does such a good job at portraying the motion of how she feels in the situation that like, it almost hurts. It's also very triggering.



Note. The scene gets better just after this, everyone but Richard starts to eat the icecream in front of Olive, and finnally she yells STOP! and starts to eat it herself :D

IT's a really good movie, and if you haven't seen it, please, find a way to watch it.

For those who have seen it, just know. My family is that. Exactly. MY uncle is like the uncle (smart/strange/gay/suicidal, all that jazz) my aunt is exactly like grandpa (addicted to drugs) My mom is olive (innocently surprisingly enough), I liked to think of myself as Dwayne. and my step dad is richard. Well my grandma is the mom( she is always trying to fix everyone)

I love this movie. SO MUCH!!!!

It's so good and funny. It takes me through a series of emotions every time I watch it.

Anyways, I should shut up now.

I'm in a great mood and I hope today is a great day for everyone.

I love you girls :D Thanks for your supportive comments, and I hope you are all doing okay.

Always here for you (even when I'm not reading) Destany <3

CDS, Dinosaurs, Boys, and my new view on life.

I miss you guys.

I'm trying to post more often, even without a computer.



So I know I've posted this before, but, this is offically my song for Andres. I'm over it (not really) but I can pretend!

Let's see. Made a kick ass CD the other day, which was something I DEFINATELY needed :D

I've been on the whole "I-AM-BEAUTIFUL-I-AM-AMAZING-I-CAN-BE-A-BITCH-BUT-THATS-OKAY-CUZ-IM-AN-AWESOME-PERSON-IN-GENERAL" kind of mindset, because honestly I can't take being sad anymore.

New guy on the scene. Bryan (not Barbies brother, different guy) I work with, and have kinda had the hots for.

We were texting last night, and he came over for one reason only.

Then he told me he was a virgin.

And we laughed the whole night.

And I think this might be something more.

Don't I always think that though? Not investing myself wholly, so I don't fully get hurt :D

Went to the museum with the kids today and it was a breath of fresh air for my uber nerdy brain!!!

Miss you guys :D

Not Much Going On

Well, let's see. After my last post, I made /the/ call. The call to my moms best friend that I was going to finnally commit suicide.

She talked me down, thank god.

I'm doing okay. Haven't seen Andres or Angelique. And I honestly \don't care.

Back down to 146.2

Can't stop thinking about that sexy boney bitch I'm gonna be when I can fit into a swim suit and not be all gross and flabby.

Facebook Stalking

It doens't do anyone any good.

It actually just makes you feel like shit.

Or at least it does me.

Looking at my old old old bestfriends page. And I've so been replaced with a girl named Blu.

Have you ever thought how weird it must be to go from "Oh my gosh, had a gre4at time with Destany last night" to "Oh my god, Blue and I were crazy last night!"

I feel that binge coming on. Ug.

Going home to sleep.

I don't wanna get up for a week.

I don't know why I did it

Last night. Shit hit the fan with Andres.

Well.

Not really, it happened before last night.

Well.

Let's see, I was texting him, blah blah blah, and all of a sudden he said he couldn't come over, and then I told him he had a lame excuse, and he said I was calling him a liar, I was hung up on him, I was rushing into things, and I didn't understand his situation.

I told him, I liked him, there was nothing to rush into, I do understand his position, and I never called him a liar.

He stopped speaking to me.

Last night, I had a panic attack at work and started crying when I saw him.

He asked why I was crying, and I said it's because I was so angry at myself for fucking things up like I do so well.

He didn't say anything.

Then, Angelique last night, was flirting with him, in front of me, talking about how she couldn't wait til they went to the movies,and thats when I lost my shit.

I stormed away from my register, went back to returns, started throwing shit, and when my friend Ester came back to comfort me, I burst into hysterics, shaking I was so mad, and I just couldn't stop spewing to Ester my issue.

I got to my car, and started sobbing, and hitting the wheel.

I considered driving off the road. IT made me feel better.

I got home safely.

I talked to Chasingperfection about my issue.

She let me know I'm NOT going crazy.

But I feel like it.

I went to bed. I tried to fast yesterday but ended up eating a couple hot wings and a sprite.

thats 390 calories.

I burned 145 calories.

Last time I check the scale I was down to 149.8

Which I think is lower then the last weight I posted, but before that I was at 146.2.

But I did start my period. I dunno.

Im depressed.

Again.

Didn't I my dear?

I'm so upset. I fucked things up so badly with Andres he wont speak to me. I want to kill myself. I binged a little and stopped before 200 cals. Started my period and it's awful. I feel like crying all time. Like I just want to rot to pieces listen to music and cry myself to death.

My first post in a while

I have no idea where to start for you guys.

Pictures perhaps!


This is my beaut6iful peoples wall. It's also the main part of my living room/bedroom/only room. I love it :D



This is Me and Samantha my sweet little kitten.

Now, I think I should tell you about the robbery before I go into detail about the new boy.

So it started Mike showed up at my work with some friends.

I took them to my house so we could have a party, we were drinking and having a good time, and I ended up BEYOND wasted and they kinda took advantage of it, and I ended up having a three-way.

So then, after the beer I was feeling fat and after the three way I was feeling disgusting. So I began purging in the bathroom and while I was purging, they took my shit and left.

They got away with movies, video games, my PS2 console (which I try using as my DVD player)

I called my friend Katy before I realized they stole everything and was getting ready to commit suicide I felt so awful, had the knife and pills ready, and when I noticed I called the cops.

I gave them all the information I had besides the fact that we were drinking.

They deleted Mike's number at of my phone, but he began texting me while I was with the officer, and basically he said yeah they stole my stuff, so I wrote a police report.

The next morning I woke up and there was a few of my movies, with a note that said I'll get the rest of your stuff. I'm sorry.

I called the officers, and then yesterday found a backpack in my truck from one of the guys with his ID.

I feel pretty lucky, and awful right now.

So then, I haqve been texting the overnight cashier at work Andres.

I told him what had happened, and basically he comforted me.

He has a girlfriend of three years.

He came to work the next day as I was a hot mess. And he just hugged me, and I told him I didn't feel like going to my empty house. So I sat with him at work for a bit.

The next morning after a long conversation, where I found out how different he is from other guys occured. He told me he wanted to treat me like a princess, it wasn't all about sex, he wanted to /love/ me.

And I told him things I only tell you girls.

MY eating disorder, my sex addiction, my more then often thoughts of suicide. My everything.

And he said he wanted to stand beside me to be with me through it all.

So needless to say, I fell for him.

And that nbext morning he came to my house, we made smoothies.

And he touched me, like. different then it being sexual.

It was... Sensual.

He just kept telling me how gorgeus I was and even when I started crying, he kissed me and my tears away and just kept telling me I was beautiful.

And we were messing around the entire morning.

And then, I kicked in.

The bad I that turns everything bad, fucks everything up, and made him hate me.

His hand was down my pants and I begged for it, and we did, and in the middle he was like I can't, and he stopped and I apologized, and he says hes not mad. But. I fucked it all up.

He didn't text me the rest of the day or the next day.

Finnally lasy night I saw him at work where I profusely apologized and laughed and said he wasn't mad, he was just sleeping and I was still his friend.

Then, this girl Angelique at work, who I HAD told the whole story to, told Andres she knew what was going on.

So he text me and was like "seriously? now my shit is gonna be all around wal-mart and it's so not cool, just stop talking to me" I stormed away, saying I felt awful that he thought I was like that.

I told Aneglique this, and she said she told him that she had just said she knew we were talking and that I liked him. Which is exactly what I told him, and then we made up.

I had a girls night last night and got beyond wasted again.

Appartenly him and I got into it on the phone because I wanted to come see him and he said no he didn't want to take me from my friends, and I was really drunk and was sobbing hysterically for like an hour.

I told everyone I idn't remember because I was so fucked up.

But that was a lie too.

Then I get a text today from an OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD guy friend I know (we've only ever text/emailed never met in person) and. I stopped texting him because I send him pictures, and then I felt bad, because I borrowed money from him, and then stopped talking to him.

I told him about the robbery and he is sending me a DVD player.

I plan on selling it, because I don't have enough money to pay my rent right now, because I went crazy buying movies (yeah the ones that got stolen).

I feel like shit...

I reallllllly like Andres. He is so different and I contiually am fucking things up.

I'm so sad ladies.

Send me a letter (8420 Sheridan blvd #303, arvada co, 80003)

yes I'm insane enough to post my address online.

Or text me (720 429 5918)

At this point it's easier then blogging, which is such a shame.

I am down to 146.2

I hadn't ate in three days until last night where I smoked pot drank alot of vodka and binged on kit kats and salad.

I feel like shit today.

Might get a tattoo tommorow.

And I just want to lay in bed and not do anything until I rot to pieces.

Quick post before work.

I miss u guys like crazy.

I got robbed.

Mike and his friends robbed my house.

I am down to 149.

There is a new guy.

And he is MUCH different.

And I fucked things up with him this morning by doing what I do best and just being living, sex appeal. I hope he doesn't hate me.

Quick post via phone

Been doing okay hard to post. Broke my phone so got a new one, if you have my number shoot me a text