Why In The World

Well good morning America :D

So, I was reading through your guys blogs! Like I haven't had a chance to in a while, yet, I'm concerned, because a few of the people/blogs I follow, I can't seem to get to their blog! Like it says the blog is not found, and I'm like, whaaaaa?! O.o

I stayed home last night. Which is weird, because when don't I, but I was also very alone. Bryan didn't come over because he was too tired, which I undertsnad, I did keep him up all night :S I told him, he was just have to come over today, lol, but then I don't get off til eleven tonight. Ugggg, Wal-Mart can suck sometimes.

So I was so worried about making my rent.

I think I told you guys about how I had a plan if I was ever short on rent? Well. I do. But, truthfully, it's not a set plan, and I'm almost so ashamed of it, I don't want to tell you guys, because at this point, your guy's support is what keeps me going, and I feel like what I would do would disappoint you guys, and it kills me inside.

But thankfully. I dunno how, but, we always get paid 2 times a month. Every other Thursday. Thank god it's MArch I suppose.

The only reason I was short is because I had a major spending spree with my tax income, and then the next paycheck, which went to movies and stuff (yeah, the ones that got stolen)

But apparently, since we got paid the 1st (since feb is short) we got paid the 15th, because thats two weeks later. We also get paid the 29th. Which means I'll have enough to pay my bills. It will make me short for next month, but I'm going to try and budget better, and besides, it gives me a whole month to save up, get overtime, and figure it out.

I have to call the investigator today. It's been a week+ that my stuff got stolen. And the only thing that got done is that I got case transfered to an investigator, who still hasn't called me back.

I think I'll say something like "Hi officer, this is Destany Brown, case number whatever, I was just calling because I haven't heard anything from you, and was concerned that you didn't get my last voicemail. If you could give me a call that would be great, at 720 429 5918, thank you, have a great day"

But I know when I get on the phone I'll most likely panic.

Music has been really intense for me lately.

I watched 8 mile, (has eminem in it, for those who don't know)and I freaking LOVE that movie.

I think it has the best sex scene between Brittany Murphy and Eminem EVER!

But besides that, I just love it.

I was in definite need of listening to Eminem, because honestly, it always feels like he is singing to me, if not about me. And I dunno music has just been, intense for me.

I also feel like I['ve been a little too superficial lately. Like, yes my weight, obviously, but thats always a concern.

It's just. I never used to have a problem with my eyelashes. I loved how long naturally they were, but. I love fake eyelashes so much more. They make me feel perfect. And same with like, concealer/cover-up/foundation. I swore to myself I would NEVER ever wear it, except for on occasion that I was doing a photo shoot (senior pictures) or musicals at school. And sometimes to actually /cover up/ hickeys and stuff.

But now, I use it because it makes me feel so even, pale, and sexy. I don't get it.

Is it just me thinking I'm superficial, or maybe am I losing me to beauty?

It nauseates me a little bit. I never cared what I looked like (excluding weight, I've always cared about that.) I always thought I was pretty in my own way, and that every one is like that.

But now, I feel like I lost that brainy smart girl, that was nerdy and fun, and crazy, and just silly sometimes, to that girl that is beautiful, but. Thats about it, nothing deeper.

I want both of them at the same time.

I'm trying to work on that, but it's so hard to incorporate both, when you've excluded one so hard, you forget her completly.

I'm probably just rambeling at this point, but I really just need to hae it ALL out there.

I've also been on this guy kick. I don't know what it is, I've always been /okay/ without a boyfriend /happier/ when I have one, but, not like a total freak about it.

But lately, I just need a guy's company, and it's driving me nuts, I hate having to be so dependant like that, because that's NOT me at all. I'm NOT dependant, but lately, having a guy to keep me company and snuggle me has felt so nice. Not have sex, just snuggle and be okay with me.

I think I find comfort in snuggeling because (well a, who doesn't?) and because it's so innocent, and I feel like, in that moment, they appreciate the sexy and smart me, and they're just okay with me being me. And it feels so good.

I dunno. I prayed last night.

Which I don't ever do, ot because I'm not religious/spiritual, I'm just not.. I dunno, I don't follow through with alot of things.

I prayed for my moms neighbors son (who is very very sick). I barely know them, but she told me yesterday when I was walking in, and I told her he would be in my prayers (which came out of nowhere, because I don't pray)and so I figured since I told her that, I should pray for his safety.

I prayed Joe was okay. Because since I don't know what happened, all I can hope is he is happy/healthy and I love him very much.

I prayed that hopefully this thing with Bryan is something more then sex. Maybe it's a relationship, even if it doesn't last long, maybe it would kick me out of this weird funk I'm having, and definately get me over the whole Andres thing. I don't ever pray on my love life, because I feel it's almost like. Bad too. Like too commercial or something. But I did last night, because, I just am looking for somebody, which makes me feel so desperate, but. I dunno, maybe someone will hear my prayer, and kinda throw some luck my way.

I told my mom's friend off last night.

She called while I was asleep, taking a nap before Bryan would come over. But then, when I woke up I text back and asked what she needed.

She said she wanted to make sure we were still on for tommorow. (which is today I suppose) and I was like, "Uh no. You were needed today, but it never fails that you have something better to do, because you wouldn't know about canceling plans unless it was canceling my mom's plans. It never fails that I have to watch the kids, the only reason I did is because /you/ promised and didn't come trhough!" Maybe a little harsh, but honestly, I'm done with her (I don't think I post about her alot on here) but here's the run down.

She reads through my shit.
She used to go through my shit when I lived here.
She used to borrow my clothes without asking.
She used to take my clothes from the laundry and say they were hers.
She borrows the truck all the time.
She uses the truck after I put gas in it.
She never has money to put gas in the truck.
She sleeps on my moms couch.
She would get mnad because I used to sleep on my moms couch (apparently thats lazy)
She won't get a job. (even though she is perfectly okay too)
She is on fucking octave 11 at all times!!!! (she never shuts the fuck up!!!)
She has WAY TO MUCH self induced drama (I suppose I do too, but whatever)
She mooches off of my mom (I do too, but hey, I'm her kid, right?!)
She doesn't ever take a fucking hint.

And last night, I had a fucking nough.

She had promised my mom she would watch the kids while my mom went to Grand Lake. Well I had plans yesterday (not really, but thats what I told her, because maybe my plan was to sleep all fucking day, it's my day off I can do what the fuck I want!!!)

Apparently she didn't call my mom, and my mom couldn't get a hold of her, so my mom had no one to watch the kids. So, I told her I would. And I took them to the museum, and it was a good day. I'm not mad at my mom (for once)I'm mad at Glynna (yes thats moochers name) because she promised my mom, and if she could follow through with ANYTHING, then maybe I wouldn't be so pissed.

It was a good day, but I was really tired, and it was my only day off in a while, and I had to spend it being busy, which is something I hate. Even if I do live by myself, and sleep all day, and all night. If thats what I want to do on my day off and haven't promised anything to anyone, I shouuldn't be guilty of being lazy!

I guess that's my Glynna rant. Long, boring, probably too harsh. But true.

And still, it doesn't put me in a bad mood today.

I'm in a really good mood. Maybe cuz I'm rammbeling on, but in my head, I'm cleaning all the little crevices on my mind.

Like spring cleaning of my head.

Dusting the shutters, and organizing stuff, ya know?

I suppose I should shut up now, and maybe sleep a little before the kids get up (oh yeah, I had to come over again this morning, because Brett (the kiids dad) had to go to school, and Glynna isn't coming over. (Lucky for her, I'd probably punch her in the smacker if she did)

OH!!!!! One last note, and then i'll shut up!

Have any of you seen Little Miss Sunshine? Well a. I love that movie. B. It's seriously my family to a fucking t. C. there is this part. And, it makes me so angry every time I watch it. Because Abigail Breslin does such a good job at portraying the motion of how she feels in the situation that like, it almost hurts. It's also very triggering.



Note. The scene gets better just after this, everyone but Richard starts to eat the icecream in front of Olive, and finnally she yells STOP! and starts to eat it herself :D

IT's a really good movie, and if you haven't seen it, please, find a way to watch it.

For those who have seen it, just know. My family is that. Exactly. MY uncle is like the uncle (smart/strange/gay/suicidal, all that jazz) my aunt is exactly like grandpa (addicted to drugs) My mom is olive (innocently surprisingly enough), I liked to think of myself as Dwayne. and my step dad is richard. Well my grandma is the mom( she is always trying to fix everyone)

I love this movie. SO MUCH!!!!

It's so good and funny. It takes me through a series of emotions every time I watch it.

Anyways, I should shut up now.

I'm in a great mood and I hope today is a great day for everyone.

I love you girls :D Thanks for your supportive comments, and I hope you are all doing okay.

Always here for you (even when I'm not reading) Destany <3