I'm feeling really down right now.
(FOREWARNING! Post is gonna be pretty much adult content, graphic stuff!!)
So Matt is out of town for a week and I'm really missing him.
He got to his hotel tonight and we Skyped. And amongst joking around he did the whole V and tongue thing. Ya know like fake pussy eating?
Matt has only ever gone down on me once. And it was absolutely amazing.
And no doubt about it, I love giving head, it's my favorite thing to do. But ya know.... I like receiving too. But most guys don't like going down, so alas... we live on without being eaten,
And so we kind of laugh it off and continue Skyping.
He goes and gets in the shower, so we click off Skype for a minute.
He then sends me a text "Awe sweety, I feel bad :S"
to which I say why, and he says "Cuz your super sweet and awesome and I'm in the middle of what I call my "Matt gets his" time :( aka my experimentation with being a dick :("
Now. I should put an aside here. Matt has never been mean or hurtful to me, and we aren't dating because he has only been with 3 girls, and he told me straight up he wants to eperiment. Which I can respect, so I dont push a title or anything. He calls me his girlfriend to his friends, and says he likes to think of me like his girlfriend.
Which I dont understand. Basically are we dating or not?! I JUST NEED CLARIFICATION! But.... I kinda asked, and got a really muddled response, and so I carry on being confused, because every guy will react the same to the age old "Are we official?/Are we a couple?/Are we dating/ WHAT ARE WE?" question. They panic because your asking, which they twist into thinking somehow you want something MORE.
WHEN REALLY YOUR JUST TRYING TO CLARIFY WHAT THE FUCKING TITLE IS!
Anyways.
Back to the subject at hand. He says that. and I say
"I like seeing you happy. It makes me happy"
Which it does. I love seeing him happy. But. As I text him that, Im balling my eyes out.
He has never once made me feel used, or like.... anything like that.
But tonight. I just feel like....
Maybe he's just using me too.
And it breaks my heart because he is so different from all the other guys Ive been with, and I want to continue thinking of him as different, and I dont know if I'm overthinking this, or seeing the situation in it's true light.
I just want someone to feel about me how I feel about them.
And be okay with it.
Why do I feel like everyone else uses me for their happiness.
When is it my turn to be happy?
When do I get a chance to be happy with someone?
So I sit here. Crying my eyes out. Confused. Because I dont know what the fuck is happening in my life.
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