Hi loves.
I keep coming and going.
But I swear the new year is upon us and my blog will live again.
Resolutions:
Lose the Weight.
I WILL be 125 lbs
Be an AMAZING Mom
Spend more time with Oliver.
Clean Your Fucking House
Literally just pick something up every five minutes.
Liven Up Your Blog
Be insightful on something!
So.
Here's my attempt to liven shit up. It's gonna be a long post.
Soooo I guess I'm not sure where to start.
Thing with Matt are confusing and wonderful.
It was my birthday, and as usual, he treated me like an absolute princess. Put more thought into my entire birthday then anyone had in a very long time.
We're offically boyfriend and girlfriend. But not "in a relationship" thats where its confusing.
Like he said the other day "I love how we are, but I know it cant be like this forever"
I dont want to read too much into it, but I feel like that means he doesn't want me forever. Which in conjunction with everything Dale, thats just too much reality for me.
So I just pretend it never happened.
I love his friends, even his ex girlfriend ( a lesbian now haha). But the girl who took his virginity.
I don't know her. I barely know about their relationship. And I hate her. I see pics of them together and I want to rip her out of them. I dont know if its because I cant stand how she broke Matt emotionally, or what. But I hear any mention of her and I have panic attacks.
Matt let me read journals he's been keeping since 2006.
They were very intense. and insightful. And reminded me of my blog.
Of me.
I'm falling hard. Yikes.
He made an entry on 12/27/07 which was my 15th birthday. It just made me feel like we were forever connected.
So in talking to Dale (like I have to unfortunately) Amber (his brothers stupid judgemental bitch wife) is pregnant.
And I hate her too.
Thats all I have to say about that.
Miss Independant by Neyo is currently my theme song.
I just want tattoos.
I just want love.
I just want skinny
So I will.
Tuesday, December 30
Monday, November 17
Long and Cold Weekend.
Hey my loves, sorry for not posting over the weekend!
When I'm with Matt, I'm just so utterly wrapped up in him that I an't think of anything else.
I'm caught up from my vacation, and now I'm freaking out.
Thanksgiving is only like... 2 weeks away?!?!
WTF! i have $400 of stuff on layaway that I haven't even began to pay for!
YIKES
Ate horribly over the weekend, but still lost .5 lbs.
Weighing in at 168 :P
More to come! I miss you.
When I'm with Matt, I'm just so utterly wrapped up in him that I an't think of anything else.
I'm caught up from my vacation, and now I'm freaking out.
Thanksgiving is only like... 2 weeks away?!?!
WTF! i have $400 of stuff on layaway that I haven't even began to pay for!
YIKES
Ate horribly over the weekend, but still lost .5 lbs.
Weighing in at 168 :P
More to come! I miss you.
Thursday, November 13
Yesterday and Today
Sorry I didn't post yesterday, by the time I got home I was exhausted.
Let's see, I worked a double today and it was super long, but I made a ton of money at Pizza Hut which was awesome.
One scary thing is I need to invest in some damn snow tires. I slid down a hill into an intersection with 5 cars about to hit me.
All I could do was lay on my horn and thankfully they all swerved around me. I was sooooo shaken up.
We have a new really cute guy at work, but, all I can think about is Matt. Which I think means I REALLY like him. Because to have no interest in a guy because of you, is like... not normal for me.
Today was less then stellar.
Started off having the fire alarm go off at work, we had a pipe burst and we thought we might go home. We didnt, and it ended up being a pretty chill day at Old Chicago, slow as usual.
I went with my friend to my dads tattoo shop to watch him pierce her belly button. I want mine done, but not until I'm skinny.
I need to set up a time to get a few more tattoos done.
And then I went to watch her get her hair done... And.
Well we went to a mutual friends of our moms house (her name is Dani for reference), anyways we got there, and Dani was going to do Cheridans hair.
I had Oliver with me, and I've met Dani a handful of times. She tells me "I'm really awkward with kids," and I kind of laugh it off and was like "Thats okay my boyfriend plays fetch with him"
And she proceeded to be incredibly rude. Oliver was playing WITH her flip lid trashcan, not IN it, but WITH it. Like just pushing the lid to the point it would flip over.
Now dont get me wrong on first glance, it looks like hes playing in the trashcan, so I watched him and decided he was doing no harm flipping the lid. Ad she comes over and goes "I have beer bottles in there you shouldn't let him play in there" and I tried to explain what he was doing, but was utterly brushed off. So I moved Oliver and we carried on.
He began running around her house, "tagging" the door, then "tagging" me, and she goes "Could you have him not do that? My neighbors are real nazis about noise" okay, I can understand that. So I stop this game, and we turn on the TV well, she turned it on and we turn on his show, and she had it super loud, so I turn it down because A. It didnt need to be that loud, and B. It's a kids show, theyre annoying as fuck any louder then like 12 volume setting haha.
And she comes out and goes "Could you turn that down?? My neighbors hate me being loud" so I'm like sorry! And turn it down more.
Then Oliver starts shutting her doors (he's a little OCD and this is his favorite thing to do) so I let him, making sure it's not loud. Well he can't shut them all the way because she has stoppers right there, and I automatically think "This is going to annoy her, better stop him" and she goes, "Oh no, there is a stopper there, he's okay." So I let him continue on with his game.
Well Oliver begins to get sleepy, and not crying, but fussy, so I tell Cheridan to text me when she's done but I needed to take Oliver home.
I forgot my purse as I was leaving and Oliver started crying.
And here is the kicker, she goes "My neighbors are really nazis, could you be quiet going down the hall?"
I was like, your kidding me right?!?
Anyways, I left, and now I'm home.
In good news I weighed in at 169.5lbs today.
Yay! Never want to see that number again.
Have a good night, off to bed before another double tommorow!
Let's see, I worked a double today and it was super long, but I made a ton of money at Pizza Hut which was awesome.
One scary thing is I need to invest in some damn snow tires. I slid down a hill into an intersection with 5 cars about to hit me.
All I could do was lay on my horn and thankfully they all swerved around me. I was sooooo shaken up.
We have a new really cute guy at work, but, all I can think about is Matt. Which I think means I REALLY like him. Because to have no interest in a guy because of you, is like... not normal for me.
Today was less then stellar.
Started off having the fire alarm go off at work, we had a pipe burst and we thought we might go home. We didnt, and it ended up being a pretty chill day at Old Chicago, slow as usual.
I went with my friend to my dads tattoo shop to watch him pierce her belly button. I want mine done, but not until I'm skinny.
I need to set up a time to get a few more tattoos done.
And then I went to watch her get her hair done... And.
Well we went to a mutual friends of our moms house (her name is Dani for reference), anyways we got there, and Dani was going to do Cheridans hair.
I had Oliver with me, and I've met Dani a handful of times. She tells me "I'm really awkward with kids," and I kind of laugh it off and was like "Thats okay my boyfriend plays fetch with him"
And she proceeded to be incredibly rude. Oliver was playing WITH her flip lid trashcan, not IN it, but WITH it. Like just pushing the lid to the point it would flip over.
Now dont get me wrong on first glance, it looks like hes playing in the trashcan, so I watched him and decided he was doing no harm flipping the lid. Ad she comes over and goes "I have beer bottles in there you shouldn't let him play in there" and I tried to explain what he was doing, but was utterly brushed off. So I moved Oliver and we carried on.
He began running around her house, "tagging" the door, then "tagging" me, and she goes "Could you have him not do that? My neighbors are real nazis about noise" okay, I can understand that. So I stop this game, and we turn on the TV well, she turned it on and we turn on his show, and she had it super loud, so I turn it down because A. It didnt need to be that loud, and B. It's a kids show, theyre annoying as fuck any louder then like 12 volume setting haha.
And she comes out and goes "Could you turn that down?? My neighbors hate me being loud" so I'm like sorry! And turn it down more.
Then Oliver starts shutting her doors (he's a little OCD and this is his favorite thing to do) so I let him, making sure it's not loud. Well he can't shut them all the way because she has stoppers right there, and I automatically think "This is going to annoy her, better stop him" and she goes, "Oh no, there is a stopper there, he's okay." So I let him continue on with his game.
Well Oliver begins to get sleepy, and not crying, but fussy, so I tell Cheridan to text me when she's done but I needed to take Oliver home.
I forgot my purse as I was leaving and Oliver started crying.
And here is the kicker, she goes "My neighbors are really nazis, could you be quiet going down the hall?"
I was like, your kidding me right?!?
Anyways, I left, and now I'm home.
In good news I weighed in at 169.5lbs today.
Yay! Never want to see that number again.
Have a good night, off to bed before another double tommorow!
Tuesday, November 11
Summary of my Day
Hey guys, so I am feeling alot better then last night.
ALOT actually.
I got some errands done today, bought a new nose rings, went to my work and ate a Ceaser salad with no dressing. ETC.
Pretty boring. Hung out with Rob (long story short we used to fuck, but were never together, just friends) which I hadnt done in a long time. It was nice to see him.
I've been thinking about goals today.
Like, one goal I've had in my head lately is I want to OWN my own house by the time I am 26. Right?
Means I need to work on my credit. The fuck is that, how do I make it better kind of shit.
I think I'm going to get a credit card to help build some credit so I can make that goal a little more of a reality.
I'm saving to buy a motorcycle. But then I think I will shift those goals towards buying a house.
I told Matt I planned on being down 3lbs by Saturday. I didn't weigh myself today but I hope I can really lose 5lbs.
I'm so done being fat.
Hope you had a good day. I know this post was pretty boring but, it'll get better I promise! haha
ALOT actually.
I got some errands done today, bought a new nose rings, went to my work and ate a Ceaser salad with no dressing. ETC.
Pretty boring. Hung out with Rob (long story short we used to fuck, but were never together, just friends) which I hadnt done in a long time. It was nice to see him.
I've been thinking about goals today.
Like, one goal I've had in my head lately is I want to OWN my own house by the time I am 26. Right?
Means I need to work on my credit. The fuck is that, how do I make it better kind of shit.
I think I'm going to get a credit card to help build some credit so I can make that goal a little more of a reality.
I'm saving to buy a motorcycle. But then I think I will shift those goals towards buying a house.
I told Matt I planned on being down 3lbs by Saturday. I didn't weigh myself today but I hope I can really lose 5lbs.
I'm so done being fat.
Hope you had a good day. I know this post was pretty boring but, it'll get better I promise! haha
Monday, November 10
When is it gonna be my turn?
I'm feeling really down right now.
(FOREWARNING! Post is gonna be pretty much adult content, graphic stuff!!)
So Matt is out of town for a week and I'm really missing him.
He got to his hotel tonight and we Skyped. And amongst joking around he did the whole V and tongue thing. Ya know like fake pussy eating?
Matt has only ever gone down on me once. And it was absolutely amazing.
And no doubt about it, I love giving head, it's my favorite thing to do. But ya know.... I like receiving too. But most guys don't like going down, so alas... we live on without being eaten,
And so we kind of laugh it off and continue Skyping.
He goes and gets in the shower, so we click off Skype for a minute.
He then sends me a text "Awe sweety, I feel bad :S"
to which I say why, and he says "Cuz your super sweet and awesome and I'm in the middle of what I call my "Matt gets his" time :( aka my experimentation with being a dick :("
Now. I should put an aside here. Matt has never been mean or hurtful to me, and we aren't dating because he has only been with 3 girls, and he told me straight up he wants to eperiment. Which I can respect, so I dont push a title or anything. He calls me his girlfriend to his friends, and says he likes to think of me like his girlfriend.
Which I dont understand. Basically are we dating or not?! I JUST NEED CLARIFICATION! But.... I kinda asked, and got a really muddled response, and so I carry on being confused, because every guy will react the same to the age old "Are we official?/Are we a couple?/Are we dating/ WHAT ARE WE?" question. They panic because your asking, which they twist into thinking somehow you want something MORE.
WHEN REALLY YOUR JUST TRYING TO CLARIFY WHAT THE FUCKING TITLE IS!
Anyways.
Back to the subject at hand. He says that. and I say
"I like seeing you happy. It makes me happy"
Which it does. I love seeing him happy. But. As I text him that, Im balling my eyes out.
He has never once made me feel used, or like.... anything like that.
But tonight. I just feel like....
Maybe he's just using me too.
And it breaks my heart because he is so different from all the other guys Ive been with, and I want to continue thinking of him as different, and I dont know if I'm overthinking this, or seeing the situation in it's true light.
I just want someone to feel about me how I feel about them.
And be okay with it.
Why do I feel like everyone else uses me for their happiness.
When is it my turn to be happy?
When do I get a chance to be happy with someone?
So I sit here. Crying my eyes out. Confused. Because I dont know what the fuck is happening in my life.
(FOREWARNING! Post is gonna be pretty much adult content, graphic stuff!!)
So Matt is out of town for a week and I'm really missing him.
He got to his hotel tonight and we Skyped. And amongst joking around he did the whole V and tongue thing. Ya know like fake pussy eating?
Matt has only ever gone down on me once. And it was absolutely amazing.
And no doubt about it, I love giving head, it's my favorite thing to do. But ya know.... I like receiving too. But most guys don't like going down, so alas... we live on without being eaten,
And so we kind of laugh it off and continue Skyping.
He goes and gets in the shower, so we click off Skype for a minute.
He then sends me a text "Awe sweety, I feel bad :S"
to which I say why, and he says "Cuz your super sweet and awesome and I'm in the middle of what I call my "Matt gets his" time :( aka my experimentation with being a dick :("
Now. I should put an aside here. Matt has never been mean or hurtful to me, and we aren't dating because he has only been with 3 girls, and he told me straight up he wants to eperiment. Which I can respect, so I dont push a title or anything. He calls me his girlfriend to his friends, and says he likes to think of me like his girlfriend.
Which I dont understand. Basically are we dating or not?! I JUST NEED CLARIFICATION! But.... I kinda asked, and got a really muddled response, and so I carry on being confused, because every guy will react the same to the age old "Are we official?/Are we a couple?/Are we dating/ WHAT ARE WE?" question. They panic because your asking, which they twist into thinking somehow you want something MORE.
WHEN REALLY YOUR JUST TRYING TO CLARIFY WHAT THE FUCKING TITLE IS!
Anyways.
Back to the subject at hand. He says that. and I say
"I like seeing you happy. It makes me happy"
Which it does. I love seeing him happy. But. As I text him that, Im balling my eyes out.
He has never once made me feel used, or like.... anything like that.
But tonight. I just feel like....
Maybe he's just using me too.
And it breaks my heart because he is so different from all the other guys Ive been with, and I want to continue thinking of him as different, and I dont know if I'm overthinking this, or seeing the situation in it's true light.
I just want someone to feel about me how I feel about them.
And be okay with it.
Why do I feel like everyone else uses me for their happiness.
When is it my turn to be happy?
When do I get a chance to be happy with someone?
So I sit here. Crying my eyes out. Confused. Because I dont know what the fuck is happening in my life.
Today is the day
Today is the day....
I had a calorie binge weekend before a week of strict fasting and calorie counting... I've had this plan for a while now. But. I got more motivation last night....
But to begin, I spent an AMAZING weekend with Matt. AS USUAL.
We went and saw Interstellar, had sex nine million times, hung out with his friends, had more sex, ate, watched TV, cuddeled, and had more sex. Basically how it works.
He is so amazing.
I guess I should give you some background on him.
He's 26, he's six foot. Gorgeous. He travels alot for his job, but, it's nice job. He has an interesting past and we have so much in common.
Well.... Except for this.
He's only slept with 3 people. And I'm one of them.
So. That puts me in kind of a weird position. His first girlfriend had only slept with 2 people, and his ex was (is now?) a lesbian. And then there is me.
He tells me Ive the best he's ever had. WELL OF COURSE I AM IVE HAD LIKE TONS OF EXPERIENCE!!!!
It doesn't bother me, because he keeps up and ups the ante in between the sheets, and I definitely enjoy that.
We rented Sex Tape last night and after having to pause the movie (twice) to stop and have sex, he tells me he has a sex tape. What?! I've had sex with like.... a ton of people (wow Destany, wow) and I don't have a sex tape!!!
So he shows it to me.
Annnnnnnnd here we go. So. His first girlfriend was heavy, heavier then me. And Rachel (ex/the lesbian) is TINY, like size 00.
Anyways. This video is with his first girlfriend, so I shouldnt be fucked up right? I shouldnt just lose it about how hot he is, and how much I dont deserve him. I shouldnt get body issues with someone who Ive been told I look better then.
AND YET I somehow manage to amaze myself and hate myself all night.
Hence my motivation for this week. I can't do this being fat ANYMORE.
I lost so much weight with Oliver. And now I'm back to square one. And it's rough. But I want Matt to flaunt me (not like he doesnt already, but, insert dysmorphia) and so I'm done.
Nothing but diet soda (fuck you I LOVE diet soda. Everything gives you cancer nowadays so let me have it!) and salad.
NOTHING.
Diet pills for days. I'm done being fat.
I suppose I owe you some pictures as well!!
So here's me. A whopping 176 lbs.
Oliver and I :) Love my sweet little goober!
Love you readers. Hope to hear from you.
I had a calorie binge weekend before a week of strict fasting and calorie counting... I've had this plan for a while now. But. I got more motivation last night....
But to begin, I spent an AMAZING weekend with Matt. AS USUAL.
We went and saw Interstellar, had sex nine million times, hung out with his friends, had more sex, ate, watched TV, cuddeled, and had more sex. Basically how it works.
He is so amazing.
I guess I should give you some background on him.
He's 26, he's six foot. Gorgeous. He travels alot for his job, but, it's nice job. He has an interesting past and we have so much in common.
Well.... Except for this.
He's only slept with 3 people. And I'm one of them.
So. That puts me in kind of a weird position. His first girlfriend had only slept with 2 people, and his ex was (is now?) a lesbian. And then there is me.
He tells me Ive the best he's ever had. WELL OF COURSE I AM IVE HAD LIKE TONS OF EXPERIENCE!!!!
It doesn't bother me, because he keeps up and ups the ante in between the sheets, and I definitely enjoy that.
We rented Sex Tape last night and after having to pause the movie (twice) to stop and have sex, he tells me he has a sex tape. What?! I've had sex with like.... a ton of people (wow Destany, wow) and I don't have a sex tape!!!
So he shows it to me.
Annnnnnnnd here we go. So. His first girlfriend was heavy, heavier then me. And Rachel (ex/the lesbian) is TINY, like size 00.
Anyways. This video is with his first girlfriend, so I shouldnt be fucked up right? I shouldnt just lose it about how hot he is, and how much I dont deserve him. I shouldnt get body issues with someone who Ive been told I look better then.
AND YET I somehow manage to amaze myself and hate myself all night.
Hence my motivation for this week. I can't do this being fat ANYMORE.
I lost so much weight with Oliver. And now I'm back to square one. And it's rough. But I want Matt to flaunt me (not like he doesnt already, but, insert dysmorphia) and so I'm done.
Nothing but diet soda (fuck you I LOVE diet soda. Everything gives you cancer nowadays so let me have it!) and salad.
NOTHING.
Diet pills for days. I'm done being fat.
I suppose I owe you some pictures as well!!
So here's me. A whopping 176 lbs.
Matt and I at Breakfast
Matt and I being goofy!
My happy baby <3 br="">
Love you readers. Hope to hear from you.
Thursday, November 6
I went a little Overboard
I ate 1,046 calories today.
It's kind of high, but, I'm also just coming off about a month long binge fest.
So I will settle for it.
I'm going to try and exercise, blog, and clean, everyday, like I did when I was a stay at home mom.
But a I type this I stare at a looming pile of clothing that needs to be folded. Sigh. As is life.
Time to sort through Oliver and I's clothes and take them to the consignment stores!
Anyways, so many projects, so little time.
Made a decent amount of money tonight while delivering at Pizza Hut.
Makes me happy.
Alright, I'm gonna pound out some mild exercises and head to bed!
It's kind of high, but, I'm also just coming off about a month long binge fest.
So I will settle for it.
I'm going to try and exercise, blog, and clean, everyday, like I did when I was a stay at home mom.
But a I type this I stare at a looming pile of clothing that needs to be folded. Sigh. As is life.
Time to sort through Oliver and I's clothes and take them to the consignment stores!
Anyways, so many projects, so little time.
Made a decent amount of money tonight while delivering at Pizza Hut.
Makes me happy.
Alright, I'm gonna pound out some mild exercises and head to bed!
I am now 21
My loves.
It has been a while since I've posted on here.
But I've made a motion to get back into the swing of things, Ana hardcore, blog daily. Work alot.
I'm not sure where to begin.
I'm Destany, I'm 21, and I've been struggling with EDNOS for about 4 years now.
I weigh too much.
I have a one year old son wwho I would do anything for, an ex husband who I can't stand. A job at Old Chicago, and a job at Pizza Hut.
I'm blogging about work, parenting and my everyday struggle..
I know someone out there reads this, as I still get texts from my phone number I posted years ago.
I'm back loverlies.
I suppose the best way is to jump into things.
I met a guy about 4 weeks ago on POF (plenty of fish) and now I'm really falling for him. He is adorable, and kind, funny, sweet, smart, nerdy, hot and basically the most perfect guy I've ever met.
He likes me too (I dont know how) and yet he doesn't want a relatioship. But he calls me his girlfriend. I guess maybe I'm confused, but I thought relationship/girlfriend were synonomous.
But to be honest, I dont care what our label is. I REALLY like him.
His ex girlfriend is a lesbian, who is really hot, and of course, incredibly skinny.
It makes me never want to eat again.
I hate how fat Ive gotten and it makes me sick to see what I could be.
I'm going to get there damnit.
I work 2 jobs because I'm now a single mom who lives in a house with roomates. I bought a car, and have alot of bills to pay. It's a struggle, but I would work until the day I died to give my son the ends of the world.
I miss blogging. And putting my thoughts out there. I need people to talk to, so if you have friends or people you feel would like to comment send them my way. I need internet friends.
And please. Those who don't comment and would rather be a fly on the wall, just comment.
I love your love.
<3 come.="" days="" p="" to="">
Leave a comment below <3 br="">
It has been a while since I've posted on here.
But I've made a motion to get back into the swing of things, Ana hardcore, blog daily. Work alot.
I'm not sure where to begin.
I'm Destany, I'm 21, and I've been struggling with EDNOS for about 4 years now.
I weigh too much.
I have a one year old son wwho I would do anything for, an ex husband who I can't stand. A job at Old Chicago, and a job at Pizza Hut.
I'm blogging about work, parenting and my everyday struggle..
I know someone out there reads this, as I still get texts from my phone number I posted years ago.
I'm back loverlies.
I suppose the best way is to jump into things.
I met a guy about 4 weeks ago on POF (plenty of fish) and now I'm really falling for him. He is adorable, and kind, funny, sweet, smart, nerdy, hot and basically the most perfect guy I've ever met.
He likes me too (I dont know how) and yet he doesn't want a relatioship. But he calls me his girlfriend. I guess maybe I'm confused, but I thought relationship/girlfriend were synonomous.
But to be honest, I dont care what our label is. I REALLY like him.
His ex girlfriend is a lesbian, who is really hot, and of course, incredibly skinny.
It makes me never want to eat again.
I hate how fat Ive gotten and it makes me sick to see what I could be.
I'm going to get there damnit.
I work 2 jobs because I'm now a single mom who lives in a house with roomates. I bought a car, and have alot of bills to pay. It's a struggle, but I would work until the day I died to give my son the ends of the world.
I miss blogging. And putting my thoughts out there. I need people to talk to, so if you have friends or people you feel would like to comment send them my way. I need internet friends.
And please. Those who don't comment and would rather be a fly on the wall, just comment.
I love your love.
<3 come.="" days="" p="" to="">
Leave a comment below <3 br="">
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