Despite maybe some of my posts may not reflect that title, I couldn't seem to change it. When I made my blog, I was so happy to name is that, and that part of me is still there. So, It stays Wonderfully Wonderful Bloggy Page, because I don't have anything that I would rather put it as.
I apologize for being gone for so long. Honestly it's been too long even for my taste!
Where to start, we all know I got laid off from Wal-Mart (fuck that place) and litterally all my friends from there have either quit or been fired, so no one goes there anymore!
The baby is getting very very big! I feel him kick every day and he is going to be quite the handful I already know!
We play him music everyday and he kicks along like he's dancing. What a character already!
I want him to be here already, all my girl-friends on facebook who were pregnant have now had their babies, and I'm sick of seeing everyone else's baby pictures, I want to see mine!!!!
I know, I know he will be here soon enough, but I'm pretty over the pregnancy thing.
Dale has been really supportive, and we're looking for houses still. Hopefully this deal goes through with my grandpa because we would have a 3 bedroom house for cheaper then my apt. Hopefully hopefully. :D
If you guys are on Chronicles you read my post, which will have some of the same photos, but I'm gonna post them here as well, but hey whatever!
Here's my munchkin at 17 weeks (and my phone if you were interested) His head is all big compared to his little leggy's!
Here's my thumbsucker at 21 weeks. Same position but so much bigger!!!! I love him already and all his attitude!!
Dale and I taking pictures to see my bellies progression! This little man is taking up so much of that!!!
First family picture :D Dale Baby and I. I'm not sure why I love the concept of this picture so much, but I do!
And for those of you worried about my kitten, here she is! Pretending to be a pair of slippers or something. She really likes to think she can blend in with stuff! <3 baby="baby" her.="her." loves="loves" p="p" she="she" snuggle="snuggle" the="the" to="to" too="too">
Here's the theme of Olivers room for when we have our baby shower!!
I know it's silly but if you guys want an invitation totally leave a comment! Because I so will :D
So thats all I really have for pictures. I really miss you guys! Tell me about your lives!!!
It's my little sisters birthday today. She was so cute, I dropped cookies off at her school and she got absolutely so excited, I can't even wait to see her face at her surprise party!
I don't know what happened, Dale litterally texted me and was like "I'm staying at someone elses house for a few nights, I'm frustrated, I don't want to take it out on you, I'm shutting off my phone, love you see you on Thursday." Am I the only person thats like.
Uhm. What?!
I don't even know what happened.
I'm trying not to fall into a funk because of this, but, I'm failing.
I needed one, so I refreshed the blog. Added baby to it, tried to find pregnancy thinspo, but couldn't, so here it is. I really need to start posting more to get all my blah out.
Got to finnally work today, felt so nice to be out of my house! I didn't even care about the money.
Today, I logged onto my Facebook, seriously like six people I haven't talked to in forever started messaging me about how I was doing. Felt nice to be remembered. I feel popular today :D
Let's see I haven't posted in so long, I feel I need to start though, because my life has been crazy.
Let's see. where to start?
Dale and I have been looking for houses/townhomes.
My studio isn't going to do, so we're hoping for something bigger. We started looking, but honestly we're so broke right now we have to wait until about Janurary to find a place.
That way we will have plenty of time to move in ( I hope) and unpack (I hope) since they changed my due date to Feburary 5th. The reason we are looking so late is because my lease on the studio isn't up until
Feb. 20th. Which I DO NOT! want to move with a newborn, but don't want a broken lease on my record, and simply can't afford it. Sooooo, yeah.
When they changed my date they also found that I was earlier then I thought so currently I'm only about 13 weeks and 6 days.
I think I'm having a boy, I can't explain why, I just think I am.
Thats the baby though :D Healthy little wiggle worm.
I miss everybody.
I lost my job at Wal-Mart, honestly I'm really not too worried, I found a non-taxed nanny job that will pay me the same amount as Wal-Mart.
I'm horrified of gaining 30. I only eat when I'm hungry and only healthy foods, I know it mostly comes from the baby and I'll lose it soon after, I just know that I'm going to try and get to my goal weight after I have the baby.
Well let's see. There is wonderful things happening.
Like getting to buy all the cute little baby things, even though we don't know what it is yet.
Seeing all the little babies.
All that jazz.
But what I want to talk about is all the bullshit other shit that is happening!
Morning sickness?! TERRIBLE! Now, there is a difference between purging, and this shit. this shit wakes you from a dead sleep, and makes you throw up for an uncontrollable hour!
Constipation? Yeah, I've never had problems with going, before this. Any time you need to go, be prepared to spend a good three hours in the bathroom trying, and probably not succedding.
Mood Swings? These things are fairly natural, but you go from like "LALALA LIFE IS GREAT" to fetal position sobbing for no fucking reason!!!!
And I have a nurse coming to like inspect the hous eand stuff, so I have to clean. NOT EXCITED!
I didn't have insurance when we found out I was having the baby, so I called the doctors offivce that I want to go to to schedule an appointment and basically the lady said I had to go to the Jefferson County office, and get a verification of pregnancy, then I had to go to the Medicaid office and give that to them and then get a Presumptive Eligibility card and then I'd have insurance.
so I got that.
Well yesterday I called this lady to set up an appointment, and she never called me back, and when I called today, she had just gone on break so I left another voice message.
Hopefully she calls back.
If not I'm calling again at two fifteen, and hopefully she will answer.
And we decided on Oliver Maxwell for a boy.
BTW
Thanks Leigha for being so supportive :D
I'm much more excited and happy about this then last week, and we have really sorted things out in the mean time, and everyone is really supportive and excited.
I don't want to lose him because he thinks I ruined his dream. And yet a little part of me wants this, but feels like he's trying to force me into this. I don't want this.
I don't want a baby.
Vanity in me doesn't want to look pregnant I want to be skinny forever.
I got told by the assistant grocery manger at Hell-Mart that he needed me in grocery, and if I was willing to switch from cashier to grocery, he could have me do that probably within the next few days.
Instinctly I want to say YES!
Especially with all the shit I've been enduring as a cashier. People are terrible, I have some terrible managers, and I get all this shit.
But. I would miss my good mangers, and my regulars (coupon ladies are their name)
And I might get bumped down pay grades, which means I would get paid less (which I would say hell no to) but it really depends on what position.
We've been couponing, things at work have been okay.
I keep gaining weight and the more I gain, the more I hate myself.
So I looked up a few things from my dreams.
The bus- Apparently means I lack originality because I'm going along with everyone else.It also note I don't really have control of where my life is taking me.
I can only relate this to how Dale and I are fighting, because he never lets me go hang out with my friends because he doesn't trust me. But he makes it sound like I only want to hang out with them by myself, but, its not either of those things. I want to hang out with him and my friends, but not all the time, and I feel like if I don't change that, I'm losing control.
Welding- To dream that you
are welding something suggests that you need to incorporate some behavior,
habit, or character into your life. You need to combine various aspects in order
to feel whole.
I honestly have no idea what this would refer to. At all, Maybe couponing, and Dale, and partying and friends, and work? I have no clue!
School- a dream that takes place in school may be a metaphor for the lessons that you
are learning from your waking life. You may be going through a
"spiritual learning" experience.
Yeah. No clue again.
I looked up gambeling, but, it told me to let up, only if I saw myself gambeling, but I wasn't other people were.
Rain- To
see and hear rain falling symbolizes forgiveness and grace. Falling rain is also
a metaphor for tears, crying and sadness. Alternatively, rain symbolizes
fertility and renewal. If you get wet from the rain, then it indicates cleaning
from your troubles and problems.
To
dream that you are watching the rain from a window indicates that spiritual
ideas and insights are being brought to your awareness. It may also symbolize
fortune and love.
To
hear rain tapping on the roof denotes spiritual ideas coming to fruition in your
mind.
I had to post the whole thing, because literally all of that happened. Still not exactly sure of the referance. Sadness in referance to fighting with Dale, and this whole job thing?
Cell phone-
To
see or use a cell phone in your dream indicates that you are being receptive to
new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream
signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting
through to someone.
If you find a
cell phone, then it symbolizes reconnection and reopened communication.
Now, I feel like the first one really goes better with the flow of this dream with the whole informationg thing that I don't really understand. Getting through to Dale is impossible with how I feel, possibly because I don't know how I feel. The last one is what happened in the dream, but I haven't like. Reconnected with somebody, I don't think.
Cd Player- To
see or use a CD player in your dream represents the impression or image that you
want to project to others. It may also symbolize inspiration and the simple
pleasure of listening to music.
Nope. No clue.
Laptop- To
see or use a laptop in your dream represents your need to reach out and
communicate with others in any circumstance.
I assume this has to do with my partying. I need to reach out to Dale even when I want to party and make him feel a part of everything.
The cemetary perception bothers me too much to post unfortunately.
Alright. So I literally had the strangest fucking dream. Gonna look up the meaning after I tell you guys about it. It was so intense.
Alright, so it starts out, idk, some girls (I don't really know, but in my dream I knew them) we were hanging out going to run some errands or some shit, and like. Well basically my friends have some horses, and like, they need a piece of their cage welded.
So I go to weld it, and I'm not sure if I'm putting the right pieces together, and so we go to find my stepdad who is like, really good at welding (NOT TRUE!) and we have to walk through like, this weird ass school and shit, and finnally we come upon like, this gambeling ring and there is my step dad. So we tell him we need his help and he follows us to help us, and th elikewise. Well, this one kid, who is like our age, but fairly irritating, and just, idk, like, one of those people that are super irritating everything they say and everything about them. Well basically we get finished with our errands, and we're riding the bus home, and this kid appartenly like is coming with us well we find this phone, and it's got a kermit the frog case, and this kid starts making fun of it and shit, but we decided to leave it on the bus.
Well, eventually we get off at this restaurant. We go inside, and he goes to go to the bathroom, and we ditch him.
I feel the need to make this side note. It was raining and grey the whole dream. It was pretty cold outside, and I wasn't wearing a jacket.
Anyways. Like the next day basically, I'm by myself on the bus, and there is this trashcan right there and a phone starts ringing inside of it, and I look inside, and it's the phone from yesterday. So I pick it up, don't answer and put it in my pocket.
Well then I meet up with my friends, and basically they say the same thing, like one found a CD player, with her name on it, and like, the other girl found another cell phone.
So we go to this cemetary, get out and walk, and we're freaking out, and end up in this library, and find this girl's laptop. Well, we're trying to find someone to contact, to tell them the laptop was missing, and we do the same thing with the phones, but we can't find any good contacts (like a parent, or a constant person their texting), and basically we open up the laptop, and find all these weird like Craigslist porno emails, waiting for this girl. And we're assuming she got kidnapped. Well, the library closes down and we end up having to walk home, and the computer starts dinging, and the phones starts ringing. And I woke up.
Its really got to me, really not sure why. Have to go look it up now.
He doesn't think I can handle working and living with him.
To be honest, I don't know if I can either.
I wouldn't mind something with better pay, and less shitty people though.
But I'm just feeling sad.
Happy to have so many texting buddies to talk to when these things happen :D
I binged last night, and it was so lame. It was these really old carmal corn things, soup, and a pulled pork sandwich. and a bowl of cereal. oh wait. two bowls.
I hope that today is not going to be this difficult.
I suppose I should start from last night.
So, I told you how I cut coupons to make money? And that my night managers hate me because they're fucking lazy, and I called them out on their shit? Well yeah. That basically sets up for the disaster that was last night.
SOOOO. Dale and I get all the shit we need, rush to get it before the last daytime cashier gets off at midnight, because like I said nighttime cashiers and managers fucking hate me, because they don't want to do Price Matching, or coupons or shit!
So, everything is going great, we get all rung up, and fucking Linda (a manager) has to come over and approve it, and she starts shaking her head saying I cant.
Well. I'm a daytime cashier, not only have I done this before, I watch others do this constantly, and daytime CSMs (Customer Service Managers, basically my manager, but not the highest you can be) approve this shit all the time.
So, when she says I can't start doing this, I was like, "Yes I can, I watch people do it all the time," and she goes "What, use more then the allowed coupon?" and starts going off on me.
And she goes "I'm going to do it, but only this once, and I'm taking these coupons to management because they looks fraudulent." I was FLOORED!!!!!
So, we get checked out and I ask Dale to take the things to the car, while I go find a nighttime higher up manager, because I'm PISSED at this point.
I find the assistant manager, and I tell her everything that happened, and she tells me I came to a good person, it's unacceptable blah blah blah.
So I leave.
Then this morning, Dale finnally got paid, so I could finnally pay my rent. Well today is like the first day that late charges start going up. Apparently.
I come into the leasing office as it opens to see how much I owe, and basically it was $714 if I was going to pay with a money order that would show the date on it. But if I got a check that I could post-date it would still be $639.
Now.
When I got my checking card, I never got a set of checks.
Basically, I had to go to the bank, buy a check come back, fill the check out, Yadda. Yadda. Yadda.
Today has already been WAY TOO DIFFICULT! I plan on going in at like noon to go talk to our Store Manager about last night, because it's simply unacceptable.
In neutral news (not good or bad) I'm at 177.2 Which is lower then yesterday (good) higher then before (bad). Therefore being neutral.
In good news, Bronson finnally got moved in, he's so sweet. And Samantha adjusted very fast! She walks around like she still owns the place, and it's funny, because this like 80 lbs Pitbull in submissive to maybe a five pound cat.
Hopefully I don't lose my job because of last night, because honestly, that'd probably send me over the edge. I had a coffee this morning from 7-11. Tasty, but not very healthy the way I make them.
Eh, I hope my day gets better, and that you ladies are having a good one!
Dale and I made $10 bucks again last night, treated ourselves to groceries (one of which was fucking oatmeal cookies at 180 cals a fucking cookie, that I ate like. Twelve of!)
And we went to a movie. Went and saw Chronicle. Wasn't a bad movie, the antics and shit were good, but I've come to the conclusion that it was utterly plotless. Don't waste the 2 and a half hours.
I weighed in at 148.0 again.
Not happy, and so I ate a thing of chicken alfredo today at 230 cals, and had some pink lemonade for 100.
Which I burned off in a circuit of jumping jacks, squats, pushups, and crunches.
I actually have to work again today, which I'm not excited for.
But money is money, and damn, do I need money honies!
<3 you ladies, I'll be checking up on your blogs soon I promise, I haven't forgotten about you guys, I'm just so sucked into the real world (which blows.) its hard.
Like the title says, thats all I've been thinking about mainly.
Couponing, the last two times we've done it, I've been paid.
First time five dollars, yesterday eight dollars.
Quite a triumph I think.
Been trying to lose more weight, I need my Ana and Mia to come back strong because Fat me has been in control TOO LONG!
But I'm starting to lose, and lose I will.
And dogs.
Dale has a dog Bronson, whom we weren't gonna move in, just because a) he's big b) he's been moved around alot and Dale really doesn't want to uproot him again.
But last night we talked, because Dale gets so sad everytime he talks about giving Bronson to his parents (who totally love him and will spoil him rotten)
So I told Dale we could take him in.
Dale's so excited, so am I, to have a dog, and somebody to keep me company since my dog Sam died (Bronson reminds me so much of Sam.)
But, I am worried about my cat. I feel like I'm betraying her if I bring a dog in, and I'm worried I won't be able to give her enough one on one time, or she won't come out.
It's stressing me out alot. Because I love both animals so much.
I woke up with Dale today, as he was getting ready for work and I was going to make him lunch and write him a sweet little love note in it, but. We didn't have mayo for sandwichs or anything, so, that didn't happen.
I walked to the store to buy laundry detergent, and it wasn't til I got home, I ralized I bought fabric softener instea.d I still used that shit, because I was too lazy to walk back to the store and do a reutnr at 7 in the morning.
I also realize my typing has become shotty, and almost illiterate since my lack of blogging.
But on with the day.
I proceeded to take 3 FULL laundry baskets down the street to the laundry mat, to get washed, and dryed. $12 later, and a nap, I finnally folded them. But I fucked up my toe clipping my nails this morning, so it's all hurty and Dale's laundry basket is kinda broken, and all the clothes fell all over the street.
So I'm blogging.
I made 5 bucks the other day couponing like on those shows. I plan on doing it again, because I'm broke as FUCK!
Weighing in heavy today, but in a few hours I'm going to my moms to load the Ipod Dale gave me, and go workout til I pass out!!!
Hello fellow followers. Alright, so here is my first REAL post in quite a while.
Not quite sure where to start.
I'm sure most of you guys came from Ana/Mia so maybe you've been following my drama on there.
Let's see. I currently weigh 149.8lbs and I've been stuck around that area for a while.
I'm so mad at myself for letting myself get this fat, but Dale and I both have weight loss goals.
So If I can get rid of the cookie dough ice cream in my fridge, and work out more, I'll be back on track.
Dale is finnally moving his stuff into my house. It feels like, we're a little family now. Like. I vacuumed our house today, and I unpacked his boxes, I did our dishes, and ate our food.
He's moving his bed and clothes and stuff into tonight, hopefully before I go to work.
On the subject of work, I'm trying to move into the bakery, not because I want the food, but because I fucking hate the night managers at this point. I've complained to management 2 times about them, and nothing has been done, so, I'm just trying to hop over to where I would make more money.
On the subject of money. Dale's friend said we didn't have to pay him this Friday, so Dale's gonna help me with our very short on rent bill.
Does anyone own a cat? Because mine keeps pissing all over my clothing, and I love her to death and she's really sweet, and she will poop in her litter box, and occasionally pee, but, otherwise, she pees ALL OVER MY CLOTHES! and it's irritating. My house smells like cat pee, and I can't afford to keep doing laundry.
I don't know what's wrong with her.
I patched things up with my mom. So we're on good terms.
Dale didn't freak out about my eating disorder, I think he kind of brushed it over, so it's mine to keep.
I've been craving a drink severly bad lately. I keep trying to convice Dale to come to a party with me so I can get fucked up and not have him be mad at me. But, it's not working out so well. So, instead of drinking, I've been smoking WAY more then usual.
Dale and I are having lunch with my dad on Sunday. I'm nervous for them to meet, but happy to maybe get on good terms with my dad.
I miss blogging, and I need to come back to it. I've decided blogging=venting place=less stress=less binge eating=less random weight gain= more weight loss= happier me :D
BTW! Dale got me an Ipod! SO HAPPY!!!
It makes it way easier to workout with an ipod then a clunky ass CD player.
Can I get a woot woot? I'll post more one day.
Some pictures too! OF my wonderful boyfriend. My pain in the ass cat (who keeps pissing on all my clothes) my better decorated apartment.
And me. Size five.
Fuck yeah!
At first I was a little iffy, but this guy is legit.
Since our lookout mountain scene, he has taken me out to P.F Changs, Pete's Kitchen (which is this awesome dive in Colorado), Taco Bell (our ghetto date), brought me breakfast in bed, BW3's, 7-11 like a million times, bought me a puzzle, and paid, every single time.
I'm so elated I'm with him. I think he's good for me.
Downside to all this, is I've been eating. ALOT!!!
I only eat once a day anymore, but it's to like the places I listed above, so, it's not low-cal.
I've gone almost back up to 150.
He makes me laugh, and he's super awesome.
He told me he loved me last night, and I said it back.
I'm really serious about this guy.
I honestly am so happy I don't even know where to start!
He wants to read a set of my favorite books with me (the Trilogy of Griffen and Sabine) which is this fantastic love novel.
It's out of print so it's near impossible to find, but, I found it on ebay for 25 bucks and totally bought it.
We've also been on a mission to find magnetic poetry to write a love story on my fridge. I just found it today on ebay, but to get the three sets I want, I have to have 2 more dollars!!!!
So I'm scrounging change to go put in my bank, lol.
I've gained weight, and I'm desperatly trying to lose that shit!!!!
So. Not doing well after the whole hospital thing. It was because I wasn't eating.
And I've put on weight again, because I dunno. Like. I look at food and gain.
I binged today despite protesting in my head.
I feel very tired. All the time, again.
Things with Bryan?
Well. He didn't come over, for a few more nights. And when he did, I asked him if he would like to go out. He said not while he was figuring his life out. So I asked "never?" and he said "Well thats rude!" and I said "No, no one ever has their life figured out!" and he laughed and said, well, let me get at least a plan.
Soooo, then we had sex. blah. blah blah.
The next day at work I was bombarded with "Ohhh, so you and Bryan?"
and I was like, uhhhh. Cuz I hadn't told anyone.
So when he came over, I laughed and told him I was gonna give him a bunch of hickeys so that everyone at work would see what we did.
Mission accomplished. He drove me to work the next day so politely.
We get to work. It's all going good. Everyone finds out what we did.
And then. Shit blew up.
Angelique told Bryan that I had an STD.
Which I don't.
He won't talk to me now.
Well, correction, he didn't talk to me, said he needed a few days to blow it over, and today when I text him, he saidddddd.
"I'm sorry, I'm not the guy for you"
when I asked why, he said
"Really, we are not common at all, I'm looking for someone with substance"
I believe him that I don't have substance.
But then.
There is this other guy. Dale. I met him at work. And he is.
EVERYTHING I have been looking for.
He took me to a fancy steakhouse.
And we had shit in common.
He liked to read, and like study, and talk, and listens to good music, and. He's a good guy.
He even paid for dinner. The best freakin fish tacos I have ever had!
Anyways, afterwards we went to Lookout Mountain. Which has an entire view of the city. The lights were beautiful!!!!
And then.
He goes, I have something to show you.
So, he takes me down this path, and into this pretty little valley, and goes, "Look up" and when I looked up the stars. Where. wow.
Like.
The most amazing view of the stars I've seen in a while wow.
And he kisses me.
We then curled up in his truck (cuz it was cold) looked at the view, and talked :D
he came to my house and stuff happened, and he spent the night. The next day he so sweetly gave me a ride to work.
Thats when shit went down with Bryan.
And it's weird, because this guy is perfect, and yet, I don't feel the normal, OMG! I'm away from him for ten seconds, I must follow him around like a puppy kind of like I normally do.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!
HE asked me out, like, girlfriend wise and I said yes.
Last night he took me out to chinese food, super yummy, it was the only thing I ate all day.
Ate another doughnut just now.
Feeling so fat. Miss feeling skinny. Happy. And I dunno. Alive.
So, I was reading through your guys blogs! Like I haven't had a chance to in a while, yet, I'm concerned, because a few of the people/blogs I follow, I can't seem to get to their blog! Like it says the blog is not found, and I'm like, whaaaaa?! O.o
I stayed home last night. Which is weird, because when don't I, but I was also very alone. Bryan didn't come over because he was too tired, which I undertsnad, I did keep him up all night :S I told him, he was just have to come over today, lol, but then I don't get off til eleven tonight. Ugggg, Wal-Mart can suck sometimes.
So I was so worried about making my rent.
I think I told you guys about how I had a plan if I was ever short on rent? Well. I do. But, truthfully, it's not a set plan, and I'm almost so ashamed of it, I don't want to tell you guys, because at this point, your guy's support is what keeps me going, and I feel like what I would do would disappoint you guys, and it kills me inside.
But thankfully. I dunno how, but, we always get paid 2 times a month. Every other Thursday. Thank god it's MArch I suppose.
The only reason I was short is because I had a major spending spree with my tax income, and then the next paycheck, which went to movies and stuff (yeah, the ones that got stolen)
But apparently, since we got paid the 1st (since feb is short) we got paid the 15th, because thats two weeks later. We also get paid the 29th. Which means I'll have enough to pay my bills. It will make me short for next month, but I'm going to try and budget better, and besides, it gives me a whole month to save up, get overtime, and figure it out.
I have to call the investigator today. It's been a week+ that my stuff got stolen. And the only thing that got done is that I got case transfered to an investigator, who still hasn't called me back.
I think I'll say something like "Hi officer, this is Destany Brown, case number whatever, I was just calling because I haven't heard anything from you, and was concerned that you didn't get my last voicemail. If you could give me a call that would be great, at 720 429 5918, thank you, have a great day"
But I know when I get on the phone I'll most likely panic.
Music has been really intense for me lately.
I watched 8 mile, (has eminem in it, for those who don't know)and I freaking LOVE that movie.
I think it has the best sex scene between Brittany Murphy and Eminem EVER!
But besides that, I just love it.
I was in definite need of listening to Eminem, because honestly, it always feels like he is singing to me, if not about me. And I dunno music has just been, intense for me.
I also feel like I['ve been a little too superficial lately. Like, yes my weight, obviously, but thats always a concern.
It's just. I never used to have a problem with my eyelashes. I loved how long naturally they were, but. I love fake eyelashes so much more. They make me feel perfect. And same with like, concealer/cover-up/foundation. I swore to myself I would NEVER ever wear it, except for on occasion that I was doing a photo shoot (senior pictures) or musicals at school. And sometimes to actually /cover up/ hickeys and stuff.
But now, I use it because it makes me feel so even, pale, and sexy. I don't get it.
Is it just me thinking I'm superficial, or maybe am I losing me to beauty?
It nauseates me a little bit. I never cared what I looked like (excluding weight, I've always cared about that.) I always thought I was pretty in my own way, and that every one is like that.
But now, I feel like I lost that brainy smart girl, that was nerdy and fun, and crazy, and just silly sometimes, to that girl that is beautiful, but. Thats about it, nothing deeper.
I want both of them at the same time.
I'm trying to work on that, but it's so hard to incorporate both, when you've excluded one so hard, you forget her completly.
I'm probably just rambeling at this point, but I really just need to hae it ALL out there.
I've also been on this guy kick. I don't know what it is, I've always been /okay/ without a boyfriend /happier/ when I have one, but, not like a total freak about it.
But lately, I just need a guy's company, and it's driving me nuts, I hate having to be so dependant like that, because that's NOT me at all. I'm NOT dependant, but lately, having a guy to keep me company and snuggle me has felt so nice. Not have sex, just snuggle and be okay with me.
I think I find comfort in snuggeling because (well a, who doesn't?) and because it's so innocent, and I feel like, in that moment, they appreciate the sexy and smart me, and they're just okay with me being me. And it feels so good.
I dunno. I prayed last night.
Which I don't ever do, ot because I'm not religious/spiritual, I'm just not.. I dunno, I don't follow through with alot of things.
I prayed for my moms neighbors son (who is very very sick). I barely know them, but she told me yesterday when I was walking in, and I told her he would be in my prayers (which came out of nowhere, because I don't pray)and so I figured since I told her that, I should pray for his safety.
I prayed Joe was okay. Because since I don't know what happened, all I can hope is he is happy/healthy and I love him very much.
I prayed that hopefully this thing with Bryan is something more then sex. Maybe it's a relationship, even if it doesn't last long, maybe it would kick me out of this weird funk I'm having, and definately get me over the whole Andres thing. I don't ever pray on my love life, because I feel it's almost like. Bad too. Like too commercial or something. But I did last night, because, I just am looking for somebody, which makes me feel so desperate, but. I dunno, maybe someone will hear my prayer, and kinda throw some luck my way.
I told my mom's friend off last night.
She called while I was asleep, taking a nap before Bryan would come over. But then, when I woke up I text back and asked what she needed.
She said she wanted to make sure we were still on for tommorow. (which is today I suppose) and I was like, "Uh no. You were needed today, but it never fails that you have something better to do, because you wouldn't know about canceling plans unless it was canceling my mom's plans. It never fails that I have to watch the kids, the only reason I did is because /you/ promised and didn't come trhough!" Maybe a little harsh, but honestly, I'm done with her (I don't think I post about her alot on here) but here's the run down.
She reads through my shit. She used to go through my shit when I lived here. She used to borrow my clothes without asking. She used to take my clothes from the laundry and say they were hers. She borrows the truck all the time. She uses the truck after I put gas in it. She never has money to put gas in the truck. She sleeps on my moms couch. She would get mnad because I used to sleep on my moms couch (apparently thats lazy) She won't get a job. (even though she is perfectly okay too) She is on fucking octave 11 at all times!!!! (she never shuts the fuck up!!!) She has WAY TO MUCH self induced drama (I suppose I do too, but whatever) She mooches off of my mom (I do too, but hey, I'm her kid, right?!) She doesn't ever take a fucking hint.
And last night, I had a fucking nough.
She had promised my mom she would watch the kids while my mom went to Grand Lake. Well I had plans yesterday (not really, but thats what I told her, because maybe my plan was to sleep all fucking day, it's my day off I can do what the fuck I want!!!)
Apparently she didn't call my mom, and my mom couldn't get a hold of her, so my mom had no one to watch the kids. So, I told her I would. And I took them to the museum, and it was a good day. I'm not mad at my mom (for once)I'm mad at Glynna (yes thats moochers name) because she promised my mom, and if she could follow through with ANYTHING, then maybe I wouldn't be so pissed.
It was a good day, but I was really tired, and it was my only day off in a while, and I had to spend it being busy, which is something I hate. Even if I do live by myself, and sleep all day, and all night. If thats what I want to do on my day off and haven't promised anything to anyone, I shouuldn't be guilty of being lazy!
I guess that's my Glynna rant. Long, boring, probably too harsh. But true.
And still, it doesn't put me in a bad mood today.
I'm in a really good mood. Maybe cuz I'm rammbeling on, but in my head, I'm cleaning all the little crevices on my mind.
Like spring cleaning of my head.
Dusting the shutters, and organizing stuff, ya know?
I suppose I should shut up now, and maybe sleep a little before the kids get up (oh yeah, I had to come over again this morning, because Brett (the kiids dad) had to go to school, and Glynna isn't coming over. (Lucky for her, I'd probably punch her in the smacker if she did)
OH!!!!! One last note, and then i'll shut up!
Have any of you seen Little Miss Sunshine? Well a. I love that movie. B. It's seriously my family to a fucking t. C. there is this part. And, it makes me so angry every time I watch it. Because Abigail Breslin does such a good job at portraying the motion of how she feels in the situation that like, it almost hurts. It's also very triggering.
Note. The scene gets better just after this, everyone but Richard starts to eat the icecream in front of Olive, and finnally she yells STOP! and starts to eat it herself :D
IT's a really good movie, and if you haven't seen it, please, find a way to watch it.
For those who have seen it, just know. My family is that. Exactly. MY uncle is like the uncle (smart/strange/gay/suicidal, all that jazz) my aunt is exactly like grandpa (addicted to drugs) My mom is olive (innocently surprisingly enough), I liked to think of myself as Dwayne. and my step dad is richard. Well my grandma is the mom( she is always trying to fix everyone)
I love this movie. SO MUCH!!!!
It's so good and funny. It takes me through a series of emotions every time I watch it.
Anyways, I should shut up now.
I'm in a great mood and I hope today is a great day for everyone.
I love you girls :D Thanks for your supportive comments, and I hope you are all doing okay.
Always here for you (even when I'm not reading) Destany <3
I'm trying to post more often, even without a computer.
So I know I've posted this before, but, this is offically my song for Andres. I'm over it (not really) but I can pretend!
Let's see. Made a kick ass CD the other day, which was something I DEFINATELY needed :D
I've been on the whole "I-AM-BEAUTIFUL-I-AM-AMAZING-I-CAN-BE-A-BITCH-BUT-THATS-OKAY-CUZ-IM-AN-AWESOME-PERSON-IN-GENERAL" kind of mindset, because honestly I can't take being sad anymore.
New guy on the scene. Bryan (not Barbies brother, different guy) I work with, and have kinda had the hots for.
We were texting last night, and he came over for one reason only.
Then he told me he was a virgin.
And we laughed the whole night.
And I think this might be something more.
Don't I always think that though? Not investing myself wholly, so I don't fully get hurt :D
Went to the museum with the kids today and it was a breath of fresh air for my uber nerdy brain!!!
Looking at my old old old bestfriends page. And I've so been replaced with a girl named Blu.
Have you ever thought how weird it must be to go from "Oh my gosh, had a gre4at time with Destany last night" to "Oh my god, Blue and I were crazy last night!"
Let's see, I was texting him, blah blah blah, and all of a sudden he said he couldn't come over, and then I told him he had a lame excuse, and he said I was calling him a liar, I was hung up on him, I was rushing into things, and I didn't understand his situation.
I told him, I liked him, there was nothing to rush into, I do understand his position, and I never called him a liar.
He stopped speaking to me.
Last night, I had a panic attack at work and started crying when I saw him.
He asked why I was crying, and I said it's because I was so angry at myself for fucking things up like I do so well.
He didn't say anything.
Then, Angelique last night, was flirting with him, in front of me, talking about how she couldn't wait til they went to the movies,and thats when I lost my shit.
I stormed away from my register, went back to returns, started throwing shit, and when my friend Ester came back to comfort me, I burst into hysterics, shaking I was so mad, and I just couldn't stop spewing to Ester my issue.
I got to my car, and started sobbing, and hitting the wheel.
I considered driving off the road. IT made me feel better.
I got home safely.
I talked to Chasingperfection about my issue.
She let me know I'm NOT going crazy.
But I feel like it.
I went to bed. I tried to fast yesterday but ended up eating a couple hot wings and a sprite.
thats 390 calories.
I burned 145 calories.
Last time I check the scale I was down to 149.8
Which I think is lower then the last weight I posted, but before that I was at 146.2.
I'm so upset. I fucked things up so badly with Andres he wont speak to me. I want to kill myself. I binged a little and stopped before 200 cals. Started my period and it's awful. I feel like crying all time. Like I just want to rot to pieces listen to music and cry myself to death.
This is my beaut6iful peoples wall. It's also the main part of my living room/bedroom/only room. I love it :D
This is Me and Samantha my sweet little kitten.
Now, I think I should tell you about the robbery before I go into detail about the new boy.
So it started Mike showed up at my work with some friends.
I took them to my house so we could have a party, we were drinking and having a good time, and I ended up BEYOND wasted and they kinda took advantage of it, and I ended up having a three-way.
So then, after the beer I was feeling fat and after the three way I was feeling disgusting. So I began purging in the bathroom and while I was purging, they took my shit and left.
They got away with movies, video games, my PS2 console (which I try using as my DVD player)
I called my friend Katy before I realized they stole everything and was getting ready to commit suicide I felt so awful, had the knife and pills ready, and when I noticed I called the cops.
I gave them all the information I had besides the fact that we were drinking.
They deleted Mike's number at of my phone, but he began texting me while I was with the officer, and basically he said yeah they stole my stuff, so I wrote a police report.
The next morning I woke up and there was a few of my movies, with a note that said I'll get the rest of your stuff. I'm sorry.
I called the officers, and then yesterday found a backpack in my truck from one of the guys with his ID.
I feel pretty lucky, and awful right now.
So then, I haqve been texting the overnight cashier at work Andres.
I told him what had happened, and basically he comforted me.
He has a girlfriend of three years.
He came to work the next day as I was a hot mess. And he just hugged me, and I told him I didn't feel like going to my empty house. So I sat with him at work for a bit.
The next morning after a long conversation, where I found out how different he is from other guys occured. He told me he wanted to treat me like a princess, it wasn't all about sex, he wanted to /love/ me.
And I told him things I only tell you girls.
MY eating disorder, my sex addiction, my more then often thoughts of suicide. My everything.
And he said he wanted to stand beside me to be with me through it all.
So needless to say, I fell for him.
And that nbext morning he came to my house, we made smoothies.
And he touched me, like. different then it being sexual.
It was... Sensual.
He just kept telling me how gorgeus I was and even when I started crying, he kissed me and my tears away and just kept telling me I was beautiful.
And we were messing around the entire morning.
And then, I kicked in.
The bad I that turns everything bad, fucks everything up, and made him hate me.
His hand was down my pants and I begged for it, and we did, and in the middle he was like I can't, and he stopped and I apologized, and he says hes not mad. But. I fucked it all up.
He didn't text me the rest of the day or the next day.
Finnally lasy night I saw him at work where I profusely apologized and laughed and said he wasn't mad, he was just sleeping and I was still his friend.
Then, this girl Angelique at work, who I HAD told the whole story to, told Andres she knew what was going on.
So he text me and was like "seriously? now my shit is gonna be all around wal-mart and it's so not cool, just stop talking to me" I stormed away, saying I felt awful that he thought I was like that.
I told Aneglique this, and she said she told him that she had just said she knew we were talking and that I liked him. Which is exactly what I told him, and then we made up.
I had a girls night last night and got beyond wasted again.
Appartenly him and I got into it on the phone because I wanted to come see him and he said no he didn't want to take me from my friends, and I was really drunk and was sobbing hysterically for like an hour.
I told everyone I idn't remember because I was so fucked up.
But that was a lie too.
Then I get a text today from an OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD OLD guy friend I know (we've only ever text/emailed never met in person) and. I stopped texting him because I send him pictures, and then I felt bad, because I borrowed money from him, and then stopped talking to him.
I told him about the robbery and he is sending me a DVD player.
I plan on selling it, because I don't have enough money to pay my rent right now, because I went crazy buying movies (yeah the ones that got stolen).
I feel like shit...
I reallllllly like Andres. He is so different and I contiually am fucking things up.
I'm so sad ladies.
Send me a letter (8420 Sheridan blvd #303, arvada co, 80003)
yes I'm insane enough to post my address online.
Or text me (720 429 5918)
At this point it's easier then blogging, which is such a shame.
I am down to 146.2
I hadn't ate in three days until last night where I smoked pot drank alot of vodka and binged on kit kats and salad.
I feel like shit today.
Might get a tattoo tommorow.
And I just want to lay in bed and not do anything until I rot to pieces.
I'm sorry its been so long, between work, and sleeping and moving, and not having internet, it's been tough to find a way to write!!!
But I'm at my moms currently, so here's a short little snippet.
OH MY GOD!
I love my apartment, it's a studio, but it's HUGE! Gonna post pictures if I can find my cord.
I got a kitten because I was mega lonely, and her name is Samantha (I adopted her, so she already had the name) but I thought it was fitting since I lost my dog Sammy a year ago.
Greg called and said he wanted me back. I told him to fuck off I was sick of his shit.
My friend Sarah came over, and asked me why I had so much sex.
I broke down and into tears and I'm feeling empowered.
I told her about the two sides of me, and how I'm either one or the other, and she looked at me, and said "I still love you, I'm not going to be like your other friends, because I want you to be okay! I love you!"
I'm 154 lbs.
Bummer, but I'm working on it, when I can go shopping and have food I wont have to eat like shit (and will have an excuse not to go with my family out to dinner)
I MISS YOU GUYS SO MUCH! I don't have a ton of time, so I can't read up on you guys!
I'm living, boy free, all me, and LOVING IT!!!!!!!
My own apartment has been amazing!!!!!!
I have my "beautiful people wall" which I made when I was 13, and it was always in my room, my wall of magizine photos of beautiful girl (basically thinspo when I didn't have a name for it) and finnally I got to put it back up!!!!!!!!
But I have to be short, so I'm off, hopefully be back to post pictures!
Shout out to Gymnast! Mike is the guy I met at the mall that /had/ a girlfriend (they broke up) and how I met Greg. We've been talking since Greg and I broke up.
Anyways.
Been eating like shit. Can barely fit into my sevens anymore.
Moving to my place in 3 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So excited.
Havent been blogging often and I apologize, besides just not being in the mood, I've been working like crazy.
Anyways, I was going through my email, and happened to find a picture of Joe. And I burst into tears.
Now, most of you don't know about/ the story of Joe.
SOOOO Here it goes.
One night I was house sitting for Barbie, and had invited my friend Lisa over. Well. We were getting pretty shit faced. So we invited this guy over. And then, she was like "I wanna guy to bone" so we went on craigslist (yeah, good choices are not really any choices of mine)
and found this guy. And then he came over, and I was so shit faced I barely got to meet him.
But the next morning I got up to a house that might have looked like a scene from the hangover, so I was emailing him, and we were laughing about it.
Well, I began to text him, and Lisa began to text the guy I had slept with that night.
So one night we hung out, and we really didn't do much but sleep together, and then he left.
And it was great, we were like best friends. Talked EVERY morning and every night, and he talked to me til I fell asleep (my favorite thing anyone can ever do ever.) and we told each other everything.
A common thing of ours was to just drive around. Get in his very sexy audi and drive around blasting music and laughing.
And we were so in love. We weren't dating, or anything, but it was just one of those things you know? Ya know? Like, he would call me beautiful, and love, and I couldn't resist him.
And then. I left for school, and we were still like best friends, and he helped me throguh the whole getting kicked out thing. And when my mom beat the shit out of me, he helped me through that. But, slowly, he was getting more depressed, and he would just turn off his phone. He had lost his job, and so paying bills was getting to him, and shit was piling up, and he was getting more and more and more depressed. Once he threatened to kill himself. And I sobbed on the phone, and asked him never to leave me alone in this world, because he was the only thing I had to live for. And he said.
"Kid, I would never leave you. I will never leave you. Your my best friend, and I love you too much to let this world take you away from me."
The last time I saw him was on Halloween. I begged him to text me more and he promised he would. And we left it with a goodnight kiss.
He was supposed to come for Thanksgiving, and never did.
The last time I text him was sometime in December when I asked if we could hang out on New Years. He promised, and I bought him his favorite cologne for Christmas.
And I never heard from him again.
As I type this I'm sobbing. He promised he wouldn;t ever leave me, and he's just gone. I don't know if he is dead, or in jail, or just doesn't want to speak to me.
I called his phone, it's shut off. I emailed him, but to no reply.
I looked him up online in inmate records. He isn't there. He is just, missing.
And it kills me. Joseph Mullen age 28 from Colorado Springs. If you look him up online, be warned, you'll find mostly nude pictures of him on random sites, gay straight, and so on. It's him, but none of them are updated.
He took most of my soul with him, and I miss him to eternity.
So here I go with the Creepiness and am going to post most of the pictures I have of him.
This is Joe and I at the club, he had a panic attack, so didn't stay in the club long that night. But I didn't care, I'm so happy I have this picture. One of the few of him and I.
This is Joe washing his car. He loved that thing more then anything, except me I hope. This was at one in the morning, us washing his car. So ridiculously fun.
This was the first time I ever set foot in Joe's car. We were parked in a parking lot just laughing and talking. I miss him so much it hurts.
This is Joe filling his car tire. This was the night we drove downtown, and went to random porn shops just to look at stupid shit, and laughed our asses off.
This is the last picture Joe and I ever took. Halloween. I have one of us kissing on my camera. I want to be the only one to see it ever, because it's almost like. A secret that I have that he loves me. Stupid, but none the less real to me.
This is the creepiest picture I have of Joe, but I'm in the mood to post it.
This is how I want to remember Joe. Laying in bed with me, as we had an amazing night, and neither of us had a care in the world. And everything was okay with the world.
Shitty quality. But, thats how love is, shitty quality, but so real it doesn't matter if it's blurry.
I miss him so much.
He was my rock. He was my world.
I wish I could find him.
I love Joe. Alot. And always will.
I need Joe, because everything would be okay.
My sex addiction, my eating disorder, my life.
My life would be okay if Joe would come back.
I know his phone is turned off, but I still text it.
I send things like
"Getting my apartment in three days. Wish you were here to see it with me, I lvoe you Joe Joe. Hope your okay. I miss you to death bfffff. I love you."
and it makes my heart hurt, because he vanished in thin air.
Turned out better then expected, Mike showed up at my work with balloons, and kissed me in front of the entire staff, when he said he wasnt going to make it.
I was very happy.
Then some friends and I were talking at work, they all agree that curvy is in, and thin is out.
day 22 My lowest weight has been 149. 6 or .7 or something. I posted it on here earlier. I gained because I got so stressed, and was just devouring food like I could. BAD!
This is an OLD ass picture. I actually found it on the facebook of an old friend that hates me now, that has been blocked for a few years, that I finnally got able to find again.
Anyways. Confusing. I'm eating. I'm happy. I have a spoon in the icecream along with a fork in my hand.
The good ol days.
Day 23 Media really only played a bit into my wanting to lose weight. Pretty women do get what they want, but it was really my own doing.
My favorite author, indeed. Actually her last book was one thing inspiring into my weight lose (Perfect is the name, and it's very hard to read for me)
But, these three (trilogy) are my favorite. I feel so much like the main character, and when Trey comes into it, it reminds me very. very. very. much of Lorne.
And its a bit crazy.
Day 24 I dunno really how I feel about the pro ana/mia terms. They're just words. If your pro to me, your gonna talk about it, encourage others in what theyre doing. And, it's just, words.
Fuck oreos man. theyre my WORST binge food. I can eat a whole package in one night, by myself. Major binge/ craving food.
Day 25 Have I ever purged? Well. Not exactly. I've tried for sure.
My first experience, I was with my family, and I was 13. We were eating at thios stupid country restaurant in the mountains, and I was panicking about how much I ate. I raced to the bathroom and proceeded to actually purge up what I ate. But. I purged way to much and began hurling up blood. After a bit I was so dazed I had to lay on the bathroom floor, alone.
Yeah. Not my prettiest moment.
Thats me, last year. Lets see. I'm the same weight. I don't have the nose rings anymore, but I want them back. I don't draw on myself nearly as much. I don't go out, nearly as much. Uhm... Yeah, bout it.
Day 26
The most exciting thing? HIP BONES! Or leg gaps, or wearing a bikini and being okay with it, or. Or. Just being that thin. YES YES YES. I want it.
My siblings mean the world to me. My babies! I couldn't live without them. My world would be crushed.
Day 27 I deal awfully around food. I just eat it, or don't, but I panic if I don't and eat it anyways. So. Yeahhh.
Thats me Jaiden and my Grandma. I look awful here, but. It is what it is. My family is the world to me.
Day 28. Hell yes I want the gap in my thighs! That shit is sexy as fuck, and I'm sick of getting rub burn!
Eating like that. Fucking Terrifies me.
Anyways, terribly long post and I barely told you about my apartment. I'm signing papers tommorow!
And no one can do anything about it, and the only thing you can control is what you eat or when you purge or if you purge and how you look and if your skinny and how you feel.
And even when you can't control that, how do you feel?
It's been a few days since I've posted.
I went from high. to low.
So Greg and I finnally agreed on an apartment!! TWO WEEKS!
My own apartment.
And we've been having such an amazing time, and everything, and he makes me feel amazing. And for once in my life, I looked down while he was hugging me, and I could make out the image of my hip bones.
And he calls me sexy.
And he think I'm amazing.
And I love him.
And I got to hang out with my friends! and I missed them.
And it was amazing.
And I'm so excited about this apartment it hurts!!!
And work has been amazing.
And everything was awesome.
And then.
The other day a girl from work (Audri)told me greg had added her on Facebook.
Which I really didn't mind, they had met, it was cool.
Then he messaged her. Called her sexy. Called her princess.
And it made me sick.
And I want to be so naive to tell him I believe him when he says he didnt say those things to her.
But I know better. but I let him say it anyways.
And I've been helping Audri with her boyfriend issues with Andrew, who I also work with.
And they got back together.
And then. Last night, I got to hang with my girlfriends, who I missed so much, haven't seen them forever.
And we picked up Greg.
And Greg and I fought. all night.
And. I should note, I've ate like shit all week. I've gained all the weight I lost, and more. And can't stop eating. I get so stressed out I Don't care what it is thats going in my stomach, just if it fills the void. And it never does.
And so. While we fought all night. I couldn't take it. Now Sarah happens to be one friend I told about my eating disorder, and she knows about my binging and attempted purging.
Well last night, after Greg and I got so into it I couldn't take it, I was shoving bisquits and gravy in my face be the forkful, and before I could even swallow I was in the bathroom attempting to purge it up.
I locked the door.
And Sarah knocked, and pleaded and cried that I stop.
And I didn't.
I told her to go away.
Because it's the only thing I can control in my life.
And in that time, I had made sure Greg was outside.
Little did I know, he was smoking pot.
So this morning I got awoke to my mother telling me we needed to chat.
In short. She kicked me out. It was a year ago today that I ran away from my moms house.
And she kicked me out today.
And called Sarah and Autumns parents. And told them about last night, and now, I can't hang out with them anymore.
So I called my best friend Katy, the one who's always there for me.
And she sounded so disappointed in me it killed me.
And Greg hasn't texted me all day, I think his phone is dead.
But I feel so lost.
I feel so empty.
And all I can do is cry.
I'm spinning out of control.
And if he goes, so does my apartment. Not because money, but I need his name on the lease to say that we make enough to afford this apartment.
I budgeted, and it would be tight. And I would cut our grocery budget first. Because I fucking hate food.
I wish it would just go away.
I'm at my grandmas. And she loves me so much.
And I wish everyone would stop loving me because I could just die so much easier.
Because right now, I just want to slit my throat.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
I hate myself.
Music isn't helping.
Fat isn't helping.
I was getting there, but now my hip bones are disappearing again. And I'm left fat.
Sarahs mom has been trying to call me, but I won't answer. I'm too afraid.
I text her and said
"I can't handle talking right now. I'm sorry Jill. I'm all over the fucking place. And I'm not in a good state of mind."
And I left it at that.
I want to die.
It's not worth it.
I'm not good enough for anybody. And I miss Joe, and I called him today, and his phone has been disconnected and it breaks my heart because he's just gone, and I love him, and want him, and miss him.
And he left me here, in this awful place alone.
Like he promised me he never would.
I'm supposed to go fill out paperwork for my apartment tomorrow. I'm so lost.
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