I think something is wrong

So this is 3+ weeks that ive been on my period. Today i woke up in exruciating pain, my lower back and lower belly (basically where my uterus is) ache and if i lay flat on my back, i get this shooting pain. I dont have any health insuranncr so the doctor is out. my stomach is growling but i feel so nauseous if i ingest anything it woll just come bavk up. besides, im fasting today. hav a good day ladies.

I figured it out.

Ive figured out my issue. im a compulsive eater. once i tke a single bite of something, its a bite too many and i proceed to binge and binge and binge. but never purge.

fasting again tommorow because i wolfdd down three potatoe skins with sour cream. im uncomfortablly full.

i hve to find a way to purge. i really just need to premake meals and wat them at set fimes so i stop doing this shit.

I Know Its Better

I kmow its better to eat two hundred calories through the day then at one time but i slept until four tody ans was starving when i woke up! so i ate soup mashsd potatoes and jello and crackers (carb loaded i know) for two hundred calories. im stuffed now. ive been tsxting the guy from the club, who i wouldnt mind sewing again. heart still palpatati g over bryan.

sorry fod all the typos this is from my kinde and with avrylic nails its extfemly hrd to type.

stay strong :)

Ooops I, Did It Again

Alright, so last night, after I posted about my WONDERFUL bubble bath, I got a facebook message from my aunt, asking her if I would be her DD (designated driver) (and, she's not blood aunt, I've just known her forver!) Anyways, so I'm like sure! I have nothing better to do!

So I go and get her, and she goes downtown, well the club they went to was 21+ so i couldn't go in, but didn't have the gas to go back home. So I was like hmmm, what to do, it's like midnight and nothing but bars ans restaurants are open. So I am like, well I guess I'm going to go the the Satire. Which is the most delicious mexican food place in Colorado. I was really in the mood for some meat.

So when I got there I sat at a booth in the corner, and didn't order a single damn thing.

Instead I watched the drunks sing Nirvana, and it made me laugh.

So after about an hour of that, I drive back by the club, and they're ready to leave. So I pick my aunt, her brother (who's like 24 i think) and his friend, and then some other random guy.

So we end up going to this random rich drunk guys house, and Barbie's like. We're just here for alcohol. So I wasn't drinking, but we get in the house, and like, they start boozin it up. We're having fun dancing and Bryan (My aunts brother) is -uber- wasted. So then the random rich dude keep taking this bird out (which I'm terrified of birds thanks to Alfred Hitchcock) and they're making me hold it and shit, and I was like :S Well then after a bit, Bryan sits down next to me on this chair, and like, throws his arm kind of around me, but I was like, whatever, until his arm kept getting closer and closer, and every time he makes me hold this bird, he puts his hand on my leg, and is like cooing in my ear.

And what do I do? Flirt right back. Because thats what I know how to do.

So then Barbie goes "Destany, go mix Bryan a drink!" so I get up, take Bryan to the kitchen and am digging for alcohol to mix him a drink.

When suddenly, he kisses me.

And it wasn't like face eating dude at the club, or for that matter any kiss I've had before.

It was like a sweet, gentle (touch of toungue) kiss. And I instantly melt.

So I give up on finding alcohol, and I say "Bryan! Let's go explore the house" really loud so that Barbie knows what we're doing.

And my first stop is downstairs, and there is five rooms and this ginormous hallway, and he follows me down, and we peek in each room, then, he kisses me again, and I flick off the light downstairs so its completly dark, and he's like rubbing me all over, and I'm rubbing him all over, and I'm basically so turned on at this point that all logic goes out the window, and he pulls down my pants, whips his off, and bam. We're going at it.

Well I should note that while we were just kissing, the weird drunk guy came downstairs and was like "ooooh your kissing!" and then went back upstairs. So we go a little while, (probably the most awkward position I've been in a while) and all of a sudden we hear walking down the steps. So I rip my pants up, so does he, and I awkwardly walk up the stairs. And I know I'm blushing TO THE MAX so I go get a glass of water. Then I'm sitting on the dark stairs when he comes out of hte bathroom (I assume he was finishing up) and I'm blocking the stairs and he says something in Spanish, and I'm like, "I dont understand you," so he like awkwardly hops over him, and I scramble up to chase him, and we're laughing and giggeling, and then, we get outside.

And my aunt is standing right there, and she goes, "Did you just hook up with my brother?"

And thats when my guilt set in. I started having a panic attack and so I went downstairs to take a minute, when the crazy drunk, my aunt, and Bryans friend all go outside to see his awesome car I guess.

Well, Bryan fell asleep and the drunk comes inside, and he keeps telling me to go upstairs with him, and he keeps pulling on my arm, and all sorts of weird shit, and it's hurting me, so I tell him to go get Barbie, and he goes and pretends to look for her, and tells me my aunt and the friend are boning. Which I know wasn't true, So he locks the back door (And Bryan is so wasted he passed out on the cocuh) and he keeps like gripping my arm all weird and shit.

So I tell him I need to get something out of the car, and I race out there, lock the doors,and lay down on the floor. Well he keeps coming outside to look for me,and it's freaking me out, so I text my aunt, and I say "We need to go" and finnally they all came out and we drove off.

So then I spent the night at Barbies, and so did Bryan.

And he fell asleep on the couch, so I fell asleep upstairs, and I woke up and he was still down there, and Barbie was gone. So, I really like him (I've known Bryan for a long time, just because I've known Barbie for a long time, and I've always thought he was like, a cute kid) but now.

Uggg. too many men in my life!!

But I still like him.

So Much More Relaxed.

So I just turned on the bath, and and made it as hot as I could, and relaxed in it. MY skin is lobster red, and I love it.

As I was doing this, I turned on a playlist from a while ago and kept remembering all sorts of stuff (some good, some bad).

Without You - David Guetta and Usher (Reminds me of me singing this to Joe at the club one night)

Disgusting- Ke$ha (Despite feeling this way kind of about Matt, it reminds me of an exd Ryan who I broke up with after he told me I shouldn't be a pilot, and rather a stay at home mom where he would support me, and I would be DEPENDENT on him! No ma'am!)

Beautiful- Eminem (This song always makes me cry, it really reminds me of myself. I love Eminem, and I feel like he's talking to me.)

Mockingbird- Eminem (This is of course my dad. Before I re-met him at 17, I used to play this and try and think of him.)

Pursuit of Happiness- Kid Cudi (So I definately haven't heard this song since being with Lynden (ex before moving in with my dad) we were laying on his couch at three in the morning, kissing, holding each other as this song played. He told me he would never let me go, and we just laid there happy.)

Swing Life Away- Rise Againset (This song is so sweet, reminds me of a cute relationship I had when I was 13 with a boy named Bradley, we were looking at each other scars on a front porch, and then later that day this song came on the radio, and it forever became our song.)

Something- Jim Sturgess Version (Love this song. Ex boyfriend David sent me a voicemail of this after I yelled at him he didn't think I was pretty enough, and I would never be good enough for him)

I'm in the best mood ever, gonna drink some Green Tea, and do some light yoga with music to lose more weight, For me.

After Work

Alright, so today I've been posting like crazy, as well as moping around like crazy. Well, so you all heard (I assume) about the mall guy, right?Well, his name is Matt, and he makes me want to stab myself.So I told you how last night we had sex?

Yeah then I told you about how he got that other girls number. Great.

So today he told me he would call, and I knew he wouldn't (I've been in enough of these situations to know better)

So, I instead texted him saying "Wow, so much for calling"

and he texts back, "My bad my phone died" Which I call bullshit.

Anyways, I call him, and I start yelling at him about how fucked up it was and he was like, it was just a joke, and I was like, whatever, I'm at work, bye -click- and so he texts:

I'm sorry I really am, I didn't know it would hurt you.

So I'm kind of a sap for that shit, but this time I knew better then to fall for it, so I said "Really? I knew from the get go all you wanted was sex"

and he texts "I don't want to break your heart, but I have to tell you something."

And the whole time I'm thinking "Break my heart?! Don't flatter yourself" but I text "What? You don't want to talk to me anymore? It was all about sex? Your not ready for a relationship? I'm not dumb, I knew when you didn't bother to stick around after we did it I was a hussy to you,"

And he texts back. "No not really."

So I angriliy reply "Then what the fuck is it?"

And he types "Well, I can't be in a relationship right now, I have a GIRLFRIEND (note, i capitalized for effect) that I've been with for TWO YEARS now, and I[ve never cheated on her, except with you. Can we still be friends"

me- "Fuck buddies or friends?"
him- "Whatever, see you later then"
me- "No, fucking tell me, theres a difference and I need to know"
him- "Just friends, I love her, but I really like you"
me- "I dunno"
him- "please"
me- "Give me time to be pissed off, then I'll see"

End of conversation.

I dunno still. I'm mad, and slightly heart broken, even though I wouldn't call it that, I guess I'm disappointed with myself.

So then today,I went and bought a scale. I gained back 3 pounds due to the holidays.
I feel like crying, and yet I've been doing well my last two days on the ABC diet.

I guess I just need to work out like a crazy fool tommorow.

I've only eaten 200 calories today, but I'm feeling hungry again. So I might go for a yogurt, because I think if I eat any more soup I'm going to throw up (not neccesarily a bad thing at this point)

But this whole Matt situation makes me feel like hurling, all and nothing I ate.

He makes me want to binge. But those three pounds hold me back from that.

Another Shout out to Gymnast for being so awesome, and I love her! She's seriously the best support out there :D

ON the verge of a Binge

With nothing to do I turned on Starving Secrets.

This girl is eating tacos, and I'm so hungry, so jealous.

BUT I DON'T NEED IT

I don't want to be fat, because I know it's impossible for me to purge.

I'm having a massive panic attack because I know if I go into the kitchen, I will eat something I'm going to regret.

I want to save the calories for when I get off work and I'll be very hungry,

BUT IM VERY HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

Water and green tea may help, but I'm so nervous, what if it doesn't?

On the verge of a binge, and holding on to not slip and fail.

My Father

Alright, so, more less interesting shit to talk about. So my dad and I have had some/lots of issues.

So my dad walked out of my life when I was five years old (which I believe is where some of my issues stem from) but, then I dunno out of some god forsaken out of jail whatever, when I turned 17 he called me, and we talked for a little bit, and I was so torn apart. I had never spoke to my father. Ever (at least remembering it)

Then about January I ran away from my moms house, and lived with an ex boyfriend (I talked about him before right here : http://lalaponeysandlalapopcorn.blogspot.com/2011/12/so-today.html) Well, when that failed to work out, I ended up living with my dad.

Well it was, okay, I mean it was different then my moms, he had different rules, and was more of the like if you dont do it, I'm going to knock your teeth in kind of guy.

Well that was all fine a dandy, and he started making me pay rent, and all sorts of other ridiculous shit that your CHILDREN shouldn't have to do BEFORE they get out of highschool/ have an actual job.

And I dunno then one day he kept calling me a theif, and then wrote on all the groceries (which there was barely ever any, so like, the gallon of soy milk and a package of hotdogs) he wrote "DON'T FUCKING EAT, BUY YOUR OWN GOD DAMN FOOD"

So that same day I packed my shit and left.

Then his friend died, and he called my om and said he had changed his priorities and wanted to talk to me (I bought a new cell phone, got off his plan, and never gave him the number)

So I called him from the home phone, and he bitched, and yelled and ranted about what a Bitch I was, and all that shit.

Then he goes, "Well do you have nything to apologize for?" and I said "Sorry it had to end up like this"

And he goes "Have a good fucking life," and hung up.

Well seeing that I was still getting mail at his house, and some of my stuff was still at his house, I had to go out there before I went out to college, so I went over, and tried to talk to him, and it was just bullshit. He barely talked to me, and basically my mom did more talking then I did.

So occasionally I check on his facebook, and he posts about he has the greatest kids in the world, blah blah blah. And all of a sudden this stupid bitch Emily (his best friends step daughter) is like "Thanks Kaos" (my dads tattoo name) "Your the best dad anyone could ask for! Your better then my real dad, your awesome, blah fucking blah."

Then he starts posting "Emily is the best kid in the world, wish my kids could be like her"

Note: Emily is 19 as well, but was supposedly "raped" by a security officer in school. Bu then it came out in court, that she had lied about it and she had instigated the whole situation. She also posts on facebook, about how sloppy drunk she gets and drives, and blah fucking blah.

I talked about their fucked up relationship in this post : http://lalaponeysandlalapopcorn.blogspot.com/2011/10/whining-and-bitching-excitement-and.html)

So, he tried to talk to me (via Facebook) about how he was thinking about me, and missed me, and loved me. Which I call bullshit on.

ANYWAYS, so today I was meandering facebook, and on my birthday he posted this:

Happy Birthday! Wishing you best on your day.

Sweet and simple right?

Except for the fact, that it's the same, damn birthday message he posts on EVERYONE's fucking wall for their birthday.

Now not only did that irk me, but I go to his page, and am looking through all his bullshit when he posts a song and it says "Missing my friend with all my heart, especially around the holidays, it's been even rougher without him"

Without HIM? WITHOUT HIM?! What about your fucking kids douche bag?!?!

But, I suppose venting on my blog isn't doing much better, and if I wanted to be a vindictive bitch I could send him the link to this post. BUT. I'm not going to, because I'm not that big of a bitch.


Thanks for listening to all my non food related issues :D

Today

So, today, I hope Gymnast has a better day! Poor girl sounds rough.

I have work today at 3 but get off at 7 (sucks I only got 16 hours this week because I insisted on having my birthday off)

But it's alright, I'm feeling lazy this week. That being saidddd. I haven't been to the gym. Not once.

Nor have I really done anything around the house, but sleep. Eat. Breathe. And watch stupid ass T.V.

My post is fairly lame today. I have nothing good to talk about.

500 calories today. I'm up to 145, because I also couldn't get the craving for yogurt out of my head, despite all the tea, water, and whatever else I ate.

Althought I have been drinking a TON more green tea. Whenever I have a craving or my stomach growls. I run and make tea.

Hopefully it will work.

This is a Happier post dedicated to Gymnast!

So this is me, over the summer (so about July/August of this year)(Purple hair) FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.



This is me a few days ago. Looking better. Not best, but better.

Self thinspo. Thank gymnast for making my day lightyears better with your comment :D

The Harold Song

I think the men in my life, have a problem with Mia. Not litterally, none of the men in my life are ashamed of themseves in any matter. What I mean, is the men in my life chew me up, and spit me out.

I told you about the guy, yesterday at the mall? God he was so handsome, and sweet, and a tickle of bad, which is what I needed. And so today, I hung out with him.

Actually. I had sex with him.

Which is the problem with me, it's like, that how I get them to stick around is by putting out, and they take and take and take. And find better binge food, and vomit me out.

And today, when I was driving mall dude home. My car ran out of gas, but we were a light away from the gas station so when we got it started, we chugged our way there. And as I went inside to pay for gas, I look outside, and there he is, flirting with some SKINNY, girl. And he got her number (his friend was also there, and was yelling it threw the parking lot).

Worst part? I don't take birth control. I hate feeling, "controlled" by something else. I need to be in control. Which, is so so so stupid.

Ever worst part? We didn't use a condom.

Most horrible piece? He didn't bother to pull out.

I'm not worried actually about that, because it's happened before with other guys,and I really have worried before, and I don't feel the same about this. I know I'm not pregnant, and won't be. I don't have money for the day after pill. But, there is still a tinge of doubt in my mind. And. That tinge of doubt is eating my brains.

Now, in this time of complete and utter disaster is the best time for doing what I do best. Binging.

Binging.

Binging again.

Binging more.

And binging a couple more times.


And never purge.

But this time, I feel like I just want to get sick to my stomach, lean over a toilet and puke up everything, all 150 calories I had today, and more then that.

If I had control, I would be skinny.

And boys would love me.

And they wouldn't leave me.

But, I'm not sure love is for me.

You know when there is two things you yearn for so badly it hurts and yet, they are conflicting? Thats me, right now.

You get love, and become fatter and fatter because the men in my life feed me, and make me neurotic about eating, and the men in my life tear Nutrition facts off all products I by, and block web sites so I can't see.

OR

You get thin skinnyness, which hopefully comes with love when everyone swoons over you because your gorgeous.

But I'm not gorgeous.

But I am gigantic.

I just want my hip bones, and my thighs apart, and not to worry what shirt makes me look fat or5 sucking in when I flash someone, because I know I'm thin.

Which is the other thing. Hand and Hand with my ED (which I've yet to come to terms with what to call it. I'm not mia because I binge, but can't purge, and I'm not ana, because I do eat, and I still love food. I love the worst enemy. I'm like a middle schooler that has a crush on the hottest boy at school, and simultaneously hates him)

I know I'm probably rambeling, but once I finish, I wont want to eat and it will all be out of my head so it wont bother me.

But I have a vague feeling I'm a sex addict, and have been longer then I've worried about my weight.

I love boys, and I love the euphoric moment of the bond. But it goes away, just like the food I eat. And then I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

Happy. Thin. Loved.

All Over the Place

Alright, SO I kinda went MIA there for a while. SO let me just say, the holidays, FUCKED ME UP!

I failed at any sane eating. Miserably.

But Christmas was good, the babies were so cute, and everyone loved their gifts. I got a Kindle (loving it!) and a couple of gift cards for clothes (loving it even more :D)

So then, on the 26th (which I deem as the shittiest day of the year) It's right before my birthday and right after Christmas. Anyways. I went shopping and for the first time, since I was about, 12. I fit into a size 9. I understand thats still not very good, but hey, this is progress for me. I bought some other really cute clothes.

Then yesterday was my birthday, and it was fucking fantastic! First I went and got my nails done with Sarah and Autumn, I got them to match some shoes I have, and they look so nice! We went to the mall and got some photo booth pictures (which is my ultimate favorite thing to do!) and we met some guys (one guy was really into me, and he got my number, and I got his.)

HE's 2 years younger (17) but almost 18, but I dunno, I still feel weird. He's mega sexy, and mega sweet.

Then, I went to the club last night with my friends, and It was possibly the most fun I've had for a very very very long time. First off, I felt prettier then ever, and I was just so excited. We got there, and just took so many pictures, and then I was dancing with guy, and we were making out like crazy (didn't even know his name) and the best part about it was, it felt so damn good. I didn't even care, no one to judge me, no one to tease me, I felt so sexy, and this guy was eating me up (almost literally).

When I came to this epiphany.

A few years back, my best friends all sort of ditched me, and since then, I've been pretty down and out, kept to myself, not many friends, and they're alot younger if I have them.

Which with my old friend, I used to take my camera EVERYWHERE! I wouldn't leave the house without it, and everytime we'd end up with like 100 photos of absolutely nothing!

And yesterday was the first time that had happened in a long time. I mean, I have snippets of little peices of things, but in those picture I'm just so over weight it's unbearable. And I think, with me losing this weight, I'm regaining my confidence (and my camera skills) because last night, I didn't care, we took 1000 damn photos, and I think I looked sexy!

So today I'm back on track for ABC diet. Third times a charm, right? New Years resolution? Get down to my Goal weight by summer.

Merry Christmas Eve

So I hope everyone has a good Christmas Eve.

Whether you open gifties tonight, or cozy around the family with some carols.

May it be joyful!

THINSPO THINSPO THINSPO

I think this girl is sexy. Skinny big boobs. Perfect butt. I want to be her.



I love black and White photos. I love this photo. I want to be thin.



I love hip bones. They're sexy. I love tattoos. They're sexy. I love skinny people. They're sexy. I love this picture. It's sexy.

Fuck The Holidays Man

So, I don't really mean what I say in the title, I love the holidays. You know what I don't love? Sugary sweet yummy bullshit that I shouldn't and don't want to eat, that I do anyways.

Todays awful binge that never became purged? A BK Garden Salad, three hot wings, with ranch, a sugar cookie, anda 10 calorie jello.
And I'm watching this Starving Secrets show. And I fucking love it. The skinny girls. Love them.

I also found an old CD and I can't believe how much I missed it! It's kinda like my whole world right now.

Anyways, I have to be at work again tommorow at 11 in the morning, and it's one currently (which means I need to get my ass to bed!) But I'm housesitting and playing Fable 3 and kicking ASS!

Anyways. Good night loves.

Maybe tommorow I can.

Stay Strong.

Recite the ABCs

So I guess after my fast/binge spree I need to restart the ABC diet. Today I'm too hungry to fast. I'm also on the period from he'll. Now normally I get my periods every three months ish (without birth control, it's just naturally. Happened ever since I have had it) but this one has gone on for about three weka non stop, not always heavy bleeding, but like when I pee it's bloody, ya know? It's so irritating, because I always get hungry around my period, which is why I think have failed on my first round of the ABC. Fuck I want it to be done. I'm also taking some carb interceptors, which is really the only thing making me feel better about my binge last night. I'm only going 100 calories today, because I'll be mostly at work and won't have time to eat and then tonight I'm house sittig for my aunt, and she never really has food, and I can resist food a little easier when it's just myself. So I'm going to go eat some 10 calorie jello. Drink more water. And maybe I'll feel normal, and not like I'm going to pass out. Stay strong everyone and have a good day.

So good, yet so bad.

So yesterday I fasted successfully, seeing that I pigged out the day before. And I was doing so so well today not going to eat. But while I was at work, I nearly passed out because my blood sugar dropped. So when I got home I devoured about a cup of fettucine Alfredo. I'm sick to my stomach and can't successfully purge. I just want to be thin. Is it so impossible?

Today was fucking rough.

So I hate my fucking job. I hate my fucking weigt. And I hate my fucking hands for shoving my face. Fuckkkkkkk.

It started with two French fries

God I hate being like this. I just feel like food overpowers my life. I'm so frustrated. My two day fast was going so well!! And then I downed a regular coke, an a chicken sandwich extra mayo, and a mini muffin. I hate hare hate being like this. Fasting for two more days now. Fuckkkkkk!!!!!!

Will Power!

So I have gone through my first day of not eating. Succesful Today I shall do the same. Maybe I can just keep, not eating. I could handle that as opposed to eating little amounts... Hmm.

Starting Over

So, I seriously fucked up this ABC Diet. And I still want to be skinny. I'm starting to see progress, my wrists feel thinner, I begin to feel my collarbone.

And so, I'm fasting for two days, and then starting over! I'm going to be extremely busy for the next two days, so fasting shouldn't be too hard. I've been very stressed with the holidays and Joe, and the likewise. Story of my life.

Pretty Proud With Not Enough Self Control.

So everyone, yesterday I had a very successful fast. I didn't eat anything all day. I was going to fast again today, but I know I don't have enough self control and I'll binge. So instead I'm eating 100 calories. Sugarfree jello breakfast is my best friend. Finnally started taking my weight loss pills again. And so, I'm back on track. I will be skinny on my birthday!!!!!

Food free days.

So yesterday I ha a complete binge day. I've been sad lately and things that go with that. So yesterday I let loose. And I felt like shit. So today I'm fasting. Which will hopefully go better then my last fast. Since I was so bad yesterday I'm fasting today and only eating 100 calories tomorrow. I watched that skinny secrets show, and I envy the bones on those girls. I'm goig to have that some day. My birthday is the twenty seventh. I will be 19. And I plan to be about 140, hopefully.

Dear Ana and Mia. I love you.

So today I was pretty bad, I had two pieces of pizza, which was definately over 100 calories, but it only equalled about 560 (yes I know most of you are cringing) but anyways. I went to the gym and burned 1045 calories that I know of. And I'm very excited. So then I weighed myself. And I lost six more Pounds, which means nine pounds total. I love losing weight.

Sw- 160
Cw- 151
Gw- 98

Only 53 more pounds to go :)

I guess My Blog Isn't Just about one thing.

SO Lately, I've been posting alot about my diet. But in the past, I've posted dreams, some guy stuff, my day, the likewise. It's kind of my life.

SO I guess I'll update you on everything. SO far on my diet, I haven't checked how much weight I've lost, but today I'm allotted 100 calories. I've fairly nervous about blowing it, since I haven't done, like perfect in the last few days. Hopefully lots of water and a workout can cure that.

Second. Boys? Well Joe and I? Yeah I don't know what we are /still/ and it gets more complicated because of his depression, because he rarely talks to me, but everytime he does, I'm still head over heels for him. I think we might hang out on my birthday :D

Third, I have to post my dream, because It was kinda weird groovy. So, it basically starts off with my friend and I at our elementary school, (note- the school was my high school in the dream)and like, we were learning about college stuff, but I wasn't in the class, so my friend told me to drive her truck while she was in class. So, I was tooling around in her truck, and it was all snowy and icy outside, and I crashed it, but she was like "It's okay, I have another one" and I went home.

Well I went home to where I had an older sister, an older brother, a younger sister, and a younger brother (note 2- the perspective between me and the older sister shifts. Like occasionally I was in her shoes, other times, I was kinda just like my own perspective on the side.)But anyways, Our like Aunt, was really really abusive, and we didn't like her, so we snuck away that night, and ended up in this condemned sort of house, like it was all broken down and moldy. And there were these wolves there, kind of walking around us as to protect us. Well, we knew at this point our Aunt was following us, so we were looking for a place to hide, and we found this closet type thing, that we crept in, and hid in, well as my brother leaned back, he opened up like this secret passage. So we went in it, and shut the door. Well as we turned around, we realized that it was a sewer, and we began to like race threw it, trying to hold our little sister, because she kept falling behind, when finally we found this guy (the sewer had opened up and like, it was very strange, he had a little table, and there was like sewer ladders all around, and he told us we could camp out there. So we ended up telling him our story, and life and whatever. Well, a few days later, our aunt found us, and was trying to figure out a way to get to us, and we were panicking. Well, our little sister, had climbed up the ladder, and was pushing the ceiling tiles, when we found out, there was a loose one. So before our Aunt could get to us, we slipped through this tile, and into the building. Well as we were there, an older lady and gentleman were like looking at us, and we asked if we could hide from our evil aunt and such. So, we rush down into the basement, which was like, four floors down, and the stairs were all crazy far away from each other. So we get down to the basement, and find the guy from the sewer and this girl, and he tells us we can't keep showing up were he is and bringing all this drama because he has a baby now. And then he leaves. Well we're like hiding, and this basement is cold, completely unfinished, and awful. So, we're like, waiting with baited breath, and our Aunt never comes. So we finally come out, and the lady is crying and says she can't take care of us because she has this baby that she can't even breastfeed. (and this is where the situation changes perspective, it becomes my older sister as opposed to me) So my sister walks over and starts breast feeding the baby, and we're all shocked, we're like, :O "Your pregnant?" and she's like yeah, I didn't want to tell you guys. So. We stay there for a whole, the mom and my sister switching off feeding this baby, and it's all moldy down where we are, and as we're sleeping one night, my youngest sister starts crying for our Aunt, and we're like, no baby, hush hush, when our Aunt comes down, and is trying to get at us again. So. We kind of rush past her, and run up the stairs, trying to make sure everyone is there, and the littlest sister keep falling behind on purpose. Well finally we get to the ground floor of the house, and go to dart out the front door, when we see pillows and blankets on the couch, and I yell at my older brother to take them. So he does, and we run out of this house, and find a U-haul truck just over this fence, so we all jump it, and our Aunt catches up, and our little sister can't get over, so we leave without her, and we're sobbing uncontrollably, as my brother starts to drive away. So we drive for a few days just in barren fields, and whatnot, just somber about the loss of our sister, when finally, we ditch the car, and go back down to the sewer, where we see the guy who had housed us, and we thank him, and go through the ceiling tile again into the house, and all the way downstairs. And as we walk down the stairs we see the mom and baby, and we bring our pillows and stuff, and kind of make a simple bed and whatnot, and we're all just distraught. Well it kind of changes to like a few years later and flashes to me walking downstairs again, and as I go down, I see the baby (now a toddler) curled up in a nice actual bed, and there is walls (unlike there was before, and the basement is basically finished) And I walk over to the mom and she tells me she won the lottery and made the bed for her baby to live a good life. And my dream kind of ended there. It was bizarre to be honest, but, interesting.

It's been a long hard road.

So it's been a while since I have posted. Okay, so it turns out I've been doing okay. The abc diet has done me good, and I have stuck to the program. So anyways last night, my mom made me go to burger kig to get her food, and I got a salad. I was trig to fast, and I began tocry I was so frustrated. I didn't want to eat it, and yet I knew I was kinda hungry. I told my friend, and she kept saying what I was doing was unhealthy. I was so mad, I dot care about health , I wanna feel my fucking bones, I want to feel the indents in my wrists. I willdamnit.

I can't decide

I can't decide whether to fast today or have five hundred calories of less like the abc diet says... So frustrating. I think I could manage a fast, but at the same time the five hundred calories is like a safety net. I was so bad last nigt I should fast, and it comes to the point where I think I will. I'm going to be running around like crazy. So I wont really be able to sit in the kitchen and eat....

What to do..…

Well when I blow it, I really do.

So today. I dis awful things. I probably gained back the entire three pounds I have lost. First off my mom made me go buy pizza today ad her friend was eating the cookie dough that came with it, and it looked oh so tasty. So I took two bites, which wasn't ao bad since I had worked out. Then on my way to work I tried purgig but with no such luck. So then, when I got to work I ho hummed a bit, when I realized it was the Christmas party. And the food smelled so good. And the olde took over, I helped myself to a plate of turkey with mashed potatoes gravy and corn, and a roll with lots of honey. Then I ate four milky ways minis and despite more purging efforts I only came up with saliva ad blood, after making my throat bleed. I have done everythig to try and purse and it simply doesn't work, it's so frustrating. So that's not all, when I got home tonight I had two pieces of haiwaiian pizza an two kore bites of cookies dough. It's official. I have to start the abc diet tomorrow If I want to lose weight. I'm so sick of being fat. On the other hand I did get a it's number today after he said I was very pretty. Im so excited. Imagine what he'll think when I'm 98 pounds with double D's. Dreamgirl :) I will be it :)

The first ten...

So I worked off one thousand calories today!!!!! Then I went and weighed myself. And drum roll please.



I have lost three pounds!!!!!!

It's only three I know, but I hear the first ten are the hardest and then it seems to fall off. I hope that's true. So happy!!

BW- 160
CW- 157
GW- 98

Today. Is like WHAT THE FUCK?!?!

Okay, os today isn't really about how much I'm eating, it's about my poor mom.

So her douche bag boyfriend Brett, has skimped out on child support, once again.

Can't pay rent.
Can't buy groceries.
Can't buy clothes.
Can't keep the power on.
And I'm trying my hardest to help.

These are the moments I binge eat normally, but never purge. And it's so very scary to me right now.

I need to not eat. I need support.

Fuckkkkk.

So today

I was driving.And It brought back some crazy memories.

Like, I passed the spot where about six months ago, I was walking, run away from home, to my boyfriends house. It was 17 degrees outside, so cold, and snowy. I was soaked to the bone from how wet it was. And it took me three hours to walk from my school to his house. I kep tgetting sprayed from passing cars. That same night he broke up with me, and all I can remember is howling in pain from how sad I was.

But before that night I had always had fun with him. And we hung out, and he called me baby, and I was loved. That night, we curled up in his twin size bed, and made love (multiple times) throughout the night. And it was wonderful.

Remembering my sadness though, made me sick to my stomach. Now, my outlet has always been to eat my sorrows away. Boy dumped you? Stuff my face with oreos.

But now, I'm sick of being fat. I NEED TO STICK WITH THE PROGRAM THOUGH.

So here's the plan. Because I'm sick of being fat, I need to have an eating plan.

Hopefully tommorow it will go, a large glass of water with three sticks of celery (18 calories)

Gum to bide my hunger away (5 calories)
Nothing until about lunchtime when I will have either soup (60-90 calories) or a yogurt (100 calories) or a protein bar (90 calories)

Lots of water.

Throughout the day I will supplement my carb interceptors in hopes they will do what I need.

I WILL BE THIN.

Anyone out there want to be my buddy? I could use it.

Feeling sick, but not sick enough to hurl...

I've been trying to purge. Both times were unsuccessful and leave me disestig my binge. I need a buddy for this. Anyone? Email t metalrosethorn@hotmail.com Thanks guys

Day Six.

So yesterday I was literally awful! I didn't blow 1000 calories, but I ate about five homeade white chocolate macadamia nut cookies my mom made, I was so frustrated I have barely eaten today. 50 calories for a rice cake, 70 for a pudding, and 21 for some celery and gum. The gym has been closed so I haven't been able to work out work out, but, again, I'm feeling thinner, and my collarbone feels so attractive, I want more of it. I want more of my hip bones. I want more.

Today I feel like a failure

So today, I haven't been very good today and it makes me feel like shit, and I'm very disappointed, I ate 484 calories and it wasn't even good, it was spaghettis and sausage. I tried very very hard to purge it up! I had my toothbrush down my throat for some time, and unfortunately nothing came of it. So I read up on some Mia tips to help the
Next rime I have one of these days... I hope this doesn't affect me too much. I did excersize but only burned 350 calories..

Progress

Alright, wanna know about my progress?

So day one my first actual day I only had 622 calories in total, and I even felt like I splurged a little. Yesterday was my second day, and I had 320 calories, and I worked out yesterday burning what I know of 850 calories, my legs are burning, but it felt so good and was so so so worth it. I feel thinner but currently I think it's just in my head. This morning I'm aiming for max calories of 850 since I can burn that off without passing out. Need to be thin, will be thin soon. Hopefully it's not unrealalistic to hope to lose ten pounds before Christmas.