The Harold Song

I think the men in my life, have a problem with Mia. Not litterally, none of the men in my life are ashamed of themseves in any matter. What I mean, is the men in my life chew me up, and spit me out.

I told you about the guy, yesterday at the mall? God he was so handsome, and sweet, and a tickle of bad, which is what I needed. And so today, I hung out with him.

Actually. I had sex with him.

Which is the problem with me, it's like, that how I get them to stick around is by putting out, and they take and take and take. And find better binge food, and vomit me out.

And today, when I was driving mall dude home. My car ran out of gas, but we were a light away from the gas station so when we got it started, we chugged our way there. And as I went inside to pay for gas, I look outside, and there he is, flirting with some SKINNY, girl. And he got her number (his friend was also there, and was yelling it threw the parking lot).

Worst part? I don't take birth control. I hate feeling, "controlled" by something else. I need to be in control. Which, is so so so stupid.

Ever worst part? We didn't use a condom.

Most horrible piece? He didn't bother to pull out.

I'm not worried actually about that, because it's happened before with other guys,and I really have worried before, and I don't feel the same about this. I know I'm not pregnant, and won't be. I don't have money for the day after pill. But, there is still a tinge of doubt in my mind. And. That tinge of doubt is eating my brains.

Now, in this time of complete and utter disaster is the best time for doing what I do best. Binging.

Binging.

Binging again.

Binging more.

And binging a couple more times.


And never purge.

But this time, I feel like I just want to get sick to my stomach, lean over a toilet and puke up everything, all 150 calories I had today, and more then that.

If I had control, I would be skinny.

And boys would love me.

And they wouldn't leave me.

But, I'm not sure love is for me.

You know when there is two things you yearn for so badly it hurts and yet, they are conflicting? Thats me, right now.

You get love, and become fatter and fatter because the men in my life feed me, and make me neurotic about eating, and the men in my life tear Nutrition facts off all products I by, and block web sites so I can't see.

OR

You get thin skinnyness, which hopefully comes with love when everyone swoons over you because your gorgeous.

But I'm not gorgeous.

But I am gigantic.

I just want my hip bones, and my thighs apart, and not to worry what shirt makes me look fat or5 sucking in when I flash someone, because I know I'm thin.

Which is the other thing. Hand and Hand with my ED (which I've yet to come to terms with what to call it. I'm not mia because I binge, but can't purge, and I'm not ana, because I do eat, and I still love food. I love the worst enemy. I'm like a middle schooler that has a crush on the hottest boy at school, and simultaneously hates him)

I know I'm probably rambeling, but once I finish, I wont want to eat and it will all be out of my head so it wont bother me.

But I have a vague feeling I'm a sex addict, and have been longer then I've worried about my weight.

I love boys, and I love the euphoric moment of the bond. But it goes away, just like the food I eat. And then I'm not happy. I want to be happy.

Happy. Thin. Loved.