I don't know how many of you are into musicals, but Rent is a very powerful one for me. This song seriously makes me cry everytime. (For all those that watch it with no IDEA what it's about, the first girl singing is an addict, and Angel is in a group (the vanishing people scene) for people with HIV and AIDS. The part where Mimi gives Angel the piece of ice is actually normally when I burst into tears. Never fails.
and I just found this:
It's a little to "pop" esque to be a mega sad song for me. But the words are still powerful.
I think I figured out why I was in such a mood. So. Greg is so amazing, he reminds me of an ex. Alot.
They look really familiar.
When I was 16, I was partying, HARD, and I met this guy Lorne. And he was so handsome, the thought of him made me melt. And one night we were partying with a friend of mine Katee (no longer friends) (technically I met Lorne through her, so they were friends first)
And she asked if I had twenty bucks for some pot. I did, so they were smoking "pot" so I assumed (first experience ever around drugs firsthand)
So I didn't really know. And then we had like this crazy three way.
And in the mix, we ended up breaking a mirror (we were house sitting, so we HAD to fix it!) and that night, he ended up holding me, and just kissing me and curling up with me like Greg does.
And, the next day we went to get a mirror piece to fix it, and he held me the whole way walking there.
The next week I got into a fight with Katee, and he came over, and comforted me, and soothed me.
When I found out he was dealing pot. I wasn't too concerned, it was just pot. Until, I googled how to smoke pot, and basically found out, what Katee and him did that night (they wouldn't let me have any, thank god) were doing meth.
And he went out to deal, and in exchange for a bunch of pot, this guy gave him a huge chunk of black tar heroin. And. Long story short, I caught Lorne smoking some (idk what you do with it, but I caught him doing it.)
And, when he went out to deal again. He got caught. And taken to jail. And I never spoke to him again. But it was the first time I was in "love love" like do anything, could see past all the flaws, couldn't live without him, and went spiraling into hell without him.
It makes me feel better to talk about him. I still love him, but the chance of him ever finding me again are about none. I still have a thread of hope, but I dust it over or else I just become too depressed.
Greg reminds me so much of him. In a good way though. No drugs. (besides pot) and all the great qualities Lorne had. I think (I know it's soon, but I can't help but say it) I think I might be in "love love".
Like I see Greg and everything bad that has happened just melts away and I can just be in the moment with him, and happy with him.
So I think thats why I was sad last night, some remains of Lorne popped up.
Anyways, Barbie was over lats night, and after I finished posting I walked into my bathroom where she was getting ready. She wanted to go out again, and that meant I was DD, I was excited, cuz it was gonna get me out of this funk. So, I got dolled up really nice, and she let me go get Greg, and we took her to the bar, and then him and I went to "Pete's Kitchen" which is by far the best hole in the wall breakfast food diner in all of Colorado.
They have amazing french toast there, which is why going there is a problem. Greg had never been there, and he was extremly hungry, so he ordered like a bunch of stuff, and I stuck with a gyro and bites of his food. We laughed, and talked about getting an apartment, and other stuff.
Then we went and picked Barbie up, and I knew Bryan was there (remember that night? Yeahhhhh) and yet, i didn't feel anything, he saw me with Greg, and on top of it, I don't think he remembers that night. And I'm compltely okay with it.
So Greg and I snuggeled on the couch for a few hours.
This was all down town, and we live about 40 minutes from downtown. And I was very tired. I was dowsing off the whole way driving home, and Greg was so sweet trying to keep me awake so I didn't kill us all.
Didn't get much sleep because we got home at five, and I had to take my aunt to work at seven.
Then I dropped Barbie off at her house (where I was going to nap for an hour) when Greg texted me telling him I had his chain. So I went over to his house, and napped there instead. He was pretty sick today, so I tried to make him feel better, but, I think he just needed to sleep.
My babies came back home from Wyoming today, and I missed them so much! Our house feels so less empty now.
I've been on and off sleeping all day. Like, I was going to post earlier, but I wasn't really in the blogging mood. And like, instead I started looking at apartments because Greg told me too. Which gets me very excited.
He says the sooner the better. And that means the sooner I get out of my house. And it's almost refreshing. It will be so easy to avoid food when you don;t have any in your house.
My house. My house. It sounds so nice.
I may be jumping in too soon, but I've gotta take some fucking risks in my life to get some fucking results.
And then I don't know why but I looked up wedding dresses. They were all so pretty, but I can't be fat in a wedding dress.
And it was all the thinspo I needed. Because I'm back on track ladies. I'm doing this for me. Fat is unacceptable.
I understand this is probably the longest most random ass post I've had, but I'm just kind of spewing everything I've been holding in, and it feels so good.
Day 9.
As a kid I was always pudgy but never thought anything of it, until highschool. I went to a very rich highschool, so all the girls were models (no joke) and skinny and blonde and popular, and the likewise.
As a freshman and sophmore I would walk down the halls and get Twinkies chucked at me, because people thought I was fat. I had guys tell me they would date me if I wasn't such a fatty. I didn't know how to stop loving food though. Which is still funny, I still love it, but when it calls to me and wins, I hate it. I have batteled body issues since then, and thats when I kind of developed my sex addiction. The guys that did want me wanted one thing, and for them to stick around I gave it to them, and I feel sexy when i have sex.
Which makes me feel skinny. Which makes me feel happy. I like feeling happy.
There is so many peopel that get me through my life. And those people are my friends! So here's some pictures of them (both from my bday)
This is Sarah and Autumn, both younger then me, but my friends that get me through all my shit, and can make me laugh, even when I feel friendless!
These are all my other friends, getting me through all the shit in my life. KAty (the girl kissing the guy!) is probably my oldest friend and my best friend for life, we have gotten each other through some shit, but everyone that was there, has helped me out to where I am today :D
Have a good night ladies! Thanks for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment