When You Dont Know What Else To Feel

Today has just been a weird ass day.

So I told you last night my brother had the seizure? Well he's fine, they think when he hit his head, the shock josteled him too much, and thats what caused it.

I dunno, today EVERYTHING was extremly loud.

I had a binge day today, if you didn't read it on the Ana/Mia Chronicles.

Tried to get it out of my system. Feeling good about it.

Saw Greg today, went to the store to buy a few things, and we were on the phone, when I turned into the cereal isle and he was standing there. He was buying his mom cornflakes, and we had no idea we were at the store. It was great.

So I'm slightly panicked.

I've been borrowing my moms friends laptop lately to post stuff.

And today she goes "We need to sit down and talk"

and I kinda blew it off and whatnot. Cuz like a few seconds later she asked if I could give her a ride, which is what I figured it was about.

But then she let me borrow her laptop again.

and she had been on it for quite a while.

And I opened it to the Ana/Mia Chronicles, and I was logged in.

So. I'm a little freaked out.

Anyways, it will be fine.

So today I was watching Lady Gaga's Monster Ball Tour (I got the DVD, when I got the CD a week or so ago) And so today, I was watching it. And out of the blue, I stripped down to my booty shorts, and bra, threw on some boots, and danced, the entire way through. Because I could. And she does this "Brave" speech. And, It's so fucking powerful.



It took me forever but I found it.

But I suppose some of you will choose not to watch it. But. I will highlight my favorite part.

“You know I didn’t use to be brave; in fact I wasn’t very brave at all. But you have made me brave, little monsters. And New York made me brave. So now, I’m gonna be brave for you. Tonight I want you to forget all of your insecurities. I want you to reject anyone or anything that’s ever made you feel like you don’t belong or don’t fit in or ever made you feel like you’re not good enough, or pretty enough, or thin enough, or can’t sing well enough, or dance well enough, or write a song well enough, or like you’ll never win a Grammy, or you’ll never sell out Madison Square Garden, you just remember that you’re a goddamn super star and you were born this way!”

God I love her so much.

But I do still want to be thin. And it's because of her powerful speech that I KNOW I can do it. And all the haters that want to judge me, ro say what they will, or what the hell ever.

I am worth it.
I can do it.
I will do it.

So tonight, I danced. Like a weirdo because I fucking wanted to! And I had so much fun.

I also read a book my friends and I wrote in highschool. Laughed my ass off.

Tonight was all about me. And I loved it.

Despite my binge, I feel my hip bones. I want to try and see if I can fit in a smaller size pant. Like I danced today, and it's the first time I've ever "seen" my bones the way I did.

It's the first time I've been down to 149 and can knew it. I'm proud. But I need more. I'll get more.

Day Twelve-

What do I normally eat? thats hard, because I'm so not normal. I'm either obsessing about frosted cookies and devouring boxes of them, or counting calories relentlessly, and feeling sick because I could pass out.

I eat everything. I love food, and fucking hate it at the same time.



something I love? THIS PICTURE! It's perfection. Tattoos, boobs, and hip bones.

I want the moment when I lay down, and my stomach is concave to my hips. I WANT IT!!

By the way. This is kinda outta left field but I think Britney Spears is hot too, and I finnally found this picture where i think she looks AMAZING!




I will get there!! Good night ladies!